Part 44 (2/2)

She watched them. They avoided eye contact with each other and took care never to leave the room at the same time: they knew she would think that they were criticizing Dragan behind her back.

Previously she had told them about the way Yugoslav homes were full of handiwork, so her mother had covered the table with a white lace tablecloth, a family heirloom made by her great-aunt. Dragan praised the fine lace and told them about the different lace-making techniques that had gone into the tablecloth.

Camillas mother remarked that cousin Susanne was also going out with a foreigner. Dragan at once referred to a song by Leonard Cohen about a Suzanne, who takes you down to her place near the river. In Cohens music and lyrics, Dragan had discovered the dark depths he loved in art. He quoted from that song and then from other songs, a.n.a.lyzing the music and the tempos and how they related to the words. Camilla smiled at him to show her support. He was trying so hard to demonstrate to his prospective in-laws what a cultured man he was. In Denmark, his education was his one claim to respectability, but Camilla knew only too well that everything he said went right over her parents heads. Still, they were trying to make this work, laughing, asking questions.

When Camilla leaned forward and reached across the table for the spiced herring, her mother froze. Something had caught her eye. Camilla knew what it was.

Her mothers chair shot backward and fell over as she jumped up and ran out of the dining room. Camilla hurried after her, pulling at her blouse to cover the oblong blue bruise that crept up to her collarbone.

Standing in the kitchen, Camillas mother, who also was a little too plump, was short of breath. Camilla stopped a few feet away from her. She wanted to say, Why do you have to be like this, every time? or Why do you always think the worst of every single man in my life? But she couldnt make herself.

Camillas mother was in tears. Please, forgive me. Im sorry, I shouldnt have run out like that.

Dont worry, it doesnt matter, Camilla murmured involuntarily.

Her mother hugged her. Oh, Camilla, thank you. We really try, you know. We mean so well but you have no idea how hard it was for Dad and me when you were with Morten.

But you didnt know what he was like at the time. Camilla backed out of the hug.

Her mother let go. We did notice, you know. We realized what was going on. And we were so worried that someone would start abusing you again.

Camilla was furious with her mother and she too was crying. Two months earlier, Camilla would never have dared say anything back. But Dragan had given her the confidence to speak out. You dont like him. You dont want me to be happy!

Of course we do! We only want whats best for you!

Camillas knees gave way and she sat down on the small kitchen bench with its hard red cus.h.i.+ons. It was where she had sat with her gla.s.s of juice and marmalade sandwiches every day after school, trying to pull herself together after yet another day of torment.

Her mother watched Camilla as she sat in silence. We are pleased that you care about Dragan. Im sure hes good to you. I didnt mean Its very bad of me.

Yes.

Again her mother tried to reach out to Camilla. Its just that well, there have been times when we talked on the phone and when you came to see us here over the last few months and you didnt seem Are you happy?

Camilla met her mothers eyes. Yes, Mom. I am.

Does he make you happy?

Yes, he does.

And you really care about him?

Yes. I really do!.

chapter 46.

that evening Dragan went off on his own to see some of his friends. After he had left, Camilla phoned her friend Anja to say that shed like to drop by. Anja was a nurse. She and Camilla had once lived in the same building, but later Anja had moved to a bungalow with her husband.

Seated in Anja and Finns bright, tidy living room, Camilla told Anja about the awful lunch at her parents place. She wanted Anja to understand how unbearable her mother was. Anja agreed, but the expression on her face seemed less sure.

Whats the matter?

How do you mean?

Whats on your mind?

Im just thinking about what your mother is like.

No, theres something else.

No, thats all.

It seemed that everybody could spot something in her relations.h.i.+p with Dragan that Camilla couldnt see.

Anja, youre my best friend. If anything were bothering you about Dragan and me, youd tell me, wouldnt you?

I just think its great that youve met a nice guy. And that youre crazy about him and hes crazy about you.

It didnt matter. Camilla knew that if she hadnt approved of Finn, shed never have let on to Anja. While they chatted, Camilla wondered if she had made a big mistake thinking that Dragan was the right man for her. She felt that he had helped her to become braver. Why couldnt other people see this? Or could it be, she thought, that this is exactly what they dont like? Maybe the people around me would prefer me to remain withdrawn and insecure?

Finn came to join them, dressed in torn jeans and a purple sweats.h.i.+rt. He was a slightly built man, already balding. They smiled at each other. Finn was always kind to Anjas friends. He sat down on the sofa next to Anja with one foot curled up under him.

Camilla watched them. He was the sort of man her mother would like to see her marry. Anja and Finn were so close that they seemed like two sides of the same person. Talking to them, Camilla wondered if they had a good s.e.x life. They could have had Sunday lunch with her parents week in and week out.

Anja was telling her about the camper van they were saving up for, and Camilla kept thinking, Would I be happy with a man like Finn? My life might well be easier. Still, the s.e.x would never be as great. You could never be sure, of course.

When Gorans friends got together to watch videos in his apartment, he always disconnected the aerial from the television. No one wanted to risk catching a glimpse of the news, not even during the brief moment before the video began. The news programs were full of reports from Yugoslavia, and they upset everyone far too much. They would rage against the journalists lies and become aggressive, Dragan in particular.

Dragan watched a lot of television at home and showed more sympathy for the Serbs and their cause than he did when he was with his Muslim friends. Sitting in front of Camillas set, he watched the news on TV1 and TV2, as well as the news and current affairs programs on the BBC and CNN. He listened to the radio too, even though it often made his blood boil. Hed run around the apartment roaring, hitting out, or kicking things.

At times his arguments were very convincing. Camilla believed that he had knowledge and experience well beyond what the journalists could draw on.

Journalists know nothing about history! Idiots! They think this is a new war! But weve been at war for five hundred f.u.c.king years! Theyve got no perspective!

Camilla learned that she wasnt meant to answer when he was in this mood. She stayed in the bedroom or went out. If she hid in the bathroom, he would stand outside the door and carry on shouting.

In your history books about the Second World War, do they write about the Croats forcing us into our churches and setting them on fire? Do they? Why not talk about that on TV? Do we burn them alive? Camilla? Camilla, answer me! Do we burn them alive? No! Were moving them to protect ourselves! Were allowed to try to survive, arent we?

Camilla stayed very still, hoping that he wouldnt break the door down.

He would turn the volume up so the television reports could be heard all over the small apartment.

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