Part 45 (1/2)

But NATO attacks us all the same, Camilla! Theyre bombing my country! Theyre bombing my hometown! What do they want us to do? Commit ma.s.s suicide? Do they want us to kill ourselves? Or just let Croats and Muslims kill us instead? Would that please NATO?

At other times, his frustration at his own impotence would overwhelm him. His emotions seemed to be beyond words, and he could only express himself in a mixture of Serbian curses and raw howling.

Apart from in bed, he only ever hit her after having watched the news.

Camilla had twice made the agonizing decision to end it between them. But each time she thought about what he must have been through, experiences beyond her grasp, and felt she understood that it would take a long time for him to become a normal human being again. When he wasnt reminded of the dreadful situation in his country and of how he had suffered, he was everything she had ever wanted. The war must surely end sometime, and then the tensions would disappear from their relations.h.i.+p.

Before meeting Dragan, Camilla had been determined that she would never again live with a violent man, but they loved each other so much. She and Dragan agreed that he should watch or listen to the news and read the papers only while Camilla was at work, or at least not at home. Two hours before she was due he would switch everything off and put away the papers.

It almost solved the problem.

Dragan had been living with her for about four months when he and Camilla spent an evening in a bar with some of their friends. A large group of Yugoslavs from another refugee camp also turned up. She started talking to one of the newcomers while she waited at the bar for her order. The place was crowded, and it took some time to be served.

The man didnt seem drunk, yet he spoke English with an odd drawl and looked at her with his eyes half closed. Everything about him was somehow very foreign.

He nodded toward her table. Look whos sitting over there. Theres one wholl never be forgiven.

What did you say?

The man didnt answer her directly, just continued his line of thought without any hint of irony. That man deserves every torment the world can throw at him.

Who? Why are you saying that?

That one, with the square jaw. He stared straight at Dragan.

At once Camilla had a sinking feeling.

Back home in Banja Luka, he was the leader of a small group of men. They came into my street and raped three sisters. Then they killed them.

Please, youre wrong. He didnt. It was his sisters who Camilla stopped and said nothing more. Her eyes were fixed on the mans face, and things began to click into place little things, from their everyday chatter, little things, for which she had no words.

The man drew back, upset to realize that she knew the person he was referring to.

Who are you?

Camilla thought quickly; she wanted to learn more. Im a teacher. I teach the people at the table over there.

The man looked at her suspiciously. You must never tell them what I said.

No, I wont.

Never! You must never tell!

No. I promise.

The bartender brought the man his beer. It was obvious that he wanted to leave there and then, even though he had spent money on the drink. He looked around and tried to explain. He will kill me. Dragan will not hesitate, not for one second. He hasnt seen me here. But I know him. I know what hes like.

Camilla smiled and tried to calm him down. I promise. Really. I wont tell him anything.

Dragan got up and looked in their direction. The man made a jerky movement.

Camilla wanted to hear more. But I dont understand. He told us in a Danish lesson that he was forced to join the militia.

But the man simply turned and hurried off unsteadily toward the door.

Dragan came over and helped her carry the beers back to their table. Camilla didnt say anything. But later, when she had a chance to speak quietly with Lenas husband, Camilla told Simo about what the man had said.

Who was he?

I dont know.

You can tell me, Camilla. Dont worry.

I dont know who he was. Honestly.

Simo went away.

Moments later Dragan pulled hard at Camillas arm to take her over to a quiet corner. Who told you stories?

I dont know who he was. A man.

Tell me. Now!

Why are you ? Look, its just something he said. A rumor, a casual Dragan shook her and glared into her eyes. Speak up. Tell me!

Camilla could tell he was clenching his teeth, the way he did before he hit her.

If you beat me up in here, Ill have you charged with a.s.sault.

That only fueled his anger, and he slammed his fist into the wall next to Camilla. Dont you threaten me!

But he didnt hit her. He knew well enough that just a few words to the police and he could be locked up for years. Or turned into a fugitive once more, spending an eternity in airports around the world.

Dragan returned to his friends. Soon afterward, Camilla saw some of them spread out through the bar, talking to anyone who might have been standing near Camilla. They pointed to her and the barstool she had been sitting on.

Five minutes later, four of them got up with a determined air, pulled their coats on, and left the bar without saying goodbye.

Dragan didnt return home until nearly three-thirty. Camilla had gone to bed but was still awake. She was crying.

Dragan came to lie next to her on the bed, still wearing his clothes. He held her and spoke gently to her. Please dont cry. You mustnt. What you heard is not true. But if he tells lies about me in this country, I risk going to prison. Or expulsion. Ill be sent back. If the two of us are to stay together, that man must be made to stop telling lies.

Camilla looked at him. She felt like such a little girl. Its not true then, Dragan? It was all lies, wasnt it?

Camilla, please. Of course it was all lies. His arm tightened around her and she pressed herself closer to him. She wanted to inhale his smell, and pushed her nose against his chest.

Lies. All lies. All lies. Its all lies, she repeated to herself.