Part 67 (1/2)

Calm down. Don't confuse him. You've done enough, fool. She could hear maman, could hear maman clear when she did something stupid- Dammit, Ollie! Dammit, Ollie! ”You're sure. I want you not to try to make me feel good, Florian. If I did something wrong, tell me.” ”You're sure. I want you not to try to make me feel good, Florian. If I did something wrong, tell me.”

”I'm fine.” He took a deep breath. ”But, sera, -Catlin and I-she-I- Sera, I slept with her last night. We-did s.e.x too. It felt all right-then. It was was all right, -wasn't it?” all right, -wasn't it?”

Surge of hormones. Bad Bad temper. Panic. She found her breath coming hard and folded her arms and turned away, looking at the stonework floor a moment until she could jerk herself sideways and back to sense. temper. Panic. She found her breath coming hard and folded her arms and turned away, looking at the stonework floor a moment until she could jerk herself sideways and back to sense.

Stupid, Ari. Real stupid. Look what's happened.

She's his partner, not me, what in h.e.l.l am I being jealous for? I did a nasty thing to him and he doesn't even know it's not right.

Oh, dammit, Ari. Dammit!

Flux. That's what s.e.x sets loose. A h.e.l.l of a flux-state. Hormones. That's what's going on with me.

I wonder if I could write this this up for one of Dr. Dietrich's d.a.m.n papers. up for one of Dr. Dietrich's d.a.m.n papers.

”But she's all right,” she said, looking around at Florian-at a painfully worried Florian. ”She is all right this morning, isn't she? I mean, you don't think it's messed anything up between you. That's That's what I'm worried about.” what I'm worried about.”

His face lightened, a cloud leaving. ”Oh, no, sera. No. Just-we got to thinking about it- Sera, Catlin was just curious. You know how she is. If it was there she wants to know about it, and if it involved me-she-really needs to know, sera, she really needs to understand what's going on.” The frown came back. ”Anything I do-is her, too. It has to be.”

She put her hand on his arm, took his hand and squeezed it hard. ”Of course it does. It's all right. It's all right, all right, Florian. I'm only upset if you two are. I don't blame you. I don't care what you did. I only worry I could have hurt you.” Florian. I'm only upset if you two are. I don't blame you. I don't care what you did. I only worry I could have hurt you.”

”No, sera.” He believed everything. He would do anything. He looked terribly relieved. She took his arm through hers and held on to his hand, walking him back down the hall toward the kitchen where rattles and closings of doors said Catlin was busy.

”But Catlin's not as social as you. And s.e.x is a h.e.l.l of a jolt, Florian, an awful hormone load.” But it's the flux-values it goes crazy with. Flux and feedback loop, brain and hormones interacting. That's what's going on with me. CIT processing. The whole environment fluxing in values. Even Florian doesn't flux-think that heavy. But it's the flux-values it goes crazy with. Flux and feedback loop, brain and hormones interacting. That's what's going on with me. CIT processing. The whole environment fluxing in values. Even Florian doesn't flux-think that heavy. ”It didn't bother her-really?” ”It didn't bother her-really?”

”I really don't think so. She said it-was sort of like a good workout.”

A little laugh got away from her, just surprise on top of the angst, that left her less worried and more so, in different directions. ”Oh, d.a.m.n. Florian. I don't know everything I ought to. I wish I was azi, sometimes. I do. Keep Keep an eye on Catlin. If her reactions aren't up to par, or yours aren't, I want to know it, I want to know it right then-call me if you have to stop an Exercise to do it, hear?” an eye on Catlin. If her reactions aren't up to par, or yours aren't, I want to know it, I want to know it right then-call me if you have to stop an Exercise to do it, hear?”

”Yes, sera.”

”I just worry-just worry because I'm responsible, that's all. And experimeriting around with us makes me nervous, because I can't go and ask, I just have to try things and I really need you to tell me if I do wrong with you. You object, hear me, you object object if you think I'm doing something I shouldn't.” if you think I'm doing something I shouldn't.”

”Yes, sera.” Automatic as breathing.

They reached the kitchen. Catlin was setting out plates. Catlin looked up at them, a little query in the tension between her brows.

”No troubles with me,” Ari said. ”Florian told me everything. It's all right.”

The tension went away, and Catlin gave one of her real smiles.

”He was real happy,” Catlin said, the way she could go straight to the middle of something.

Of course Florian had been happy. His Super took him to bed and told him he was fine; sent him away in a heavy flux-state to deal with a Catlin fluxed as Catlin could get-her Super locking her out of the room and doing something emotional and mysterious with her partner.

So they wake up with that that load on them. load on them.

Fool, Ari. Upset them twice over, for all the wrong reasons. Can I do anything right?

They ate breakfast. Pa.s.s the salt. More coffee, sera?-While her stomach stayed upset and she tried to think and look cheerful at the same time.

Then: ”Florian,” she said, finally. ”Catlin.”

Two perfectly attentive faces turned to her, open as flowers to light.

”About last night-we're really pretty young yet. Maybe it's good to get experience with each other, so we don't get fluxed too badly if we do it with other people, because it's a way people can Work you. But the last thing we need to do is start Working each other, not meaning to, even if it is fun, because it sure gets through your guard. It got through mine.”

It was Catlin she was talking to, most. And Catlin said: ”It does that.” With her odd laugh, difficult to catch as her true smile. ”You could use that.”

”You sure could,” she said finally, steadier than she had been. The flux diminished, steadily, now that she knew her way. ”But it's hard for CITs. I'm I'm having flux problems . . . nothing I can't handle. You'll have to get used to me being just a little having flux problems . . . nothing I can't handle. You'll have to get used to me being just a little on on now and again; it doesn't last, it doesn't hurt me, it's part of s.e.x with CITs, and I know I'm not supposed to discuss my psych problems with you-but now I'm onto it, I've got my balance. Nothing at all unnatural for a CIT. You know a little about it. I can tell you a lot more. I think maybe I should-use now and again; it doesn't last, it doesn't hurt me, it's part of s.e.x with CITs, and I know I'm not supposed to discuss my psych problems with you-but now I'm onto it, I've got my balance. Nothing at all unnatural for a CIT. You know a little about it. I can tell you a lot more. I think maybe I should-use me me for an example, to start with. You aren't used to flux-” Looking straight at Catlin. ”Not real strong, anyway. You did fine when Florian got hurt. But that's something you knew about. This is all new, it feels good, and it's an Older thing. Like wine. If you feel uneasy about it, you tell Florian or you tell me, all right?” for an example, to start with. You aren't used to flux-” Looking straight at Catlin. ”Not real strong, anyway. You did fine when Florian got hurt. But that's something you knew about. This is all new, it feels good, and it's an Older thing. Like wine. If you feel uneasy about it, you tell Florian or you tell me, all right?”

”All right,” Catlin said, wide-open and very serious. ”But Florian's had tape about it already, so he's all right. If he doesn't get a no no with me it's just something he's the specialist at, that's all. But I can learn it all right.” with me it's just something he's the specialist at, that's all. But I can learn it all right.”

Trust Catlin. Ari paid earnest attention to her eggs, because Catlin was real good at reading her face, and she came near laughing.

Hormones were still crazy. But the brain was starting to fight back.

The brain has to win out, Ari senior had said. But the little gland at the base of the brain is the seat of a lot of the trouble. It's no accident they're so close together: G.o.d has a sense of humor.

vii ”We're giving permission,” Yanni said, ”for Will to a.s.similate the routine. I I think-and the board thought-he'd already done it to a certain extent, from the time it started working. With its touch with deep-set values, it's not at all surprising . . . and I agree with the board: it's cause for concern.” think-and the board thought-he'd already done it to a certain extent, from the time it started working. With its touch with deep-set values, it's not at all surprising . . . and I agree with the board: it's cause for concern.”

Justin looked at the edge of Yanni's desk. Unfocused. ”I agree with that,” he said finally.

”What do you think about it?”

He drew a breath, hauled himself back out of the mental shadows and looked at Yanni's face--not his eyes. ”I think the board's right. I didn't see it in that perspective.”

”I mean-what's your view of the problem?”

”I don't know.”

”For G.o.d's sake, wake up, up, son. Didn't think, don't know, son. Didn't think, don't know, what in h.e.l.l's what in h.e.l.l's the matter with you?” the matter with you?”

He shook his head. ”Tired, Yanni. Just tired.”

He waited for the explosion. Yanni leaned forward on his arms and gave a heavy sigh.

”Grant?”

Justin looked at the wall.

”I'm d.a.m.n sorry,” Yanni said. ”Son, it's temporary. Look, you want a schedule? He'll get his permit. It's coming.”

”Of course it is,” he said softly. ”Of course it is. Everything's always coming. I know the d.a.m.n game. I've had it, Yanni. I'm through. I'm tired, Grant's tired. I know Jordan's getting tired.” He was close to tears. He stopped talking and just stared, blind, at the wall and the corner where the shelves started. A Downer spirit-stick, set in a case. Yanni had some artistic sense. Or it was a gift from someone. He had wondered that before. He envied Yanni that piece.

”Son.”

”Don't call me that!” He wrenched his eyes back to Yanni, breath choking him. ”Don't-call me that. I don't want to hear that word.”