Part 66 (1/2)

She opened the tape cabinet, looking for something to keep her mind busy and burn some of the mad off. One of the E-tapes. Dumas, maybe. She was willing to do that tape twice. She knew it was all right.

But it was the adult ones that she started thinking about, which made her think about the last s.e.x tape she had had, which was a long time back. And it was just exactly what she was in the mood for.

So she pulled one out that didn't sound as embarra.s.sing as the others, Models, Models, it was called; and she took it to the library, told the Minder to tell Florian and Catlin when they came in that she was doing tape and might be fifteen more minutes-she checked the time-by the time they got the message. it was called; and she took it to the library, told the Minder to tell Florian and Catlin when they came in that she was doing tape and might be fifteen more minutes-she checked the time-by the time they got the message.

And locked the tape-lab door, tranked down with the mild dose you did for entertainment, set up and let it run.

In a while more she thought she should cut it off. It was different than anything she had thought.

But the feelings she got were interesting.

Very.

Florian and Catlin were home by the time the tape ran out. She ought not, she thought, stir about yet; but it was only a tiny dose, it was not dangerous, it only made her feel a little tranked, in that strange, warm way. She asked the Minder was it only them-silly precaution-before she unlocked the door and came out.

She found them in the kitchen making supper. Warm-ups again. ”h.e.l.lo, sera,” Florian said. ”Did it go all right today?”

Lunch with Denys, she realized. And remembered she was still mad, if she were not so tranked down. It was strange-the way things went in and out of importance in the day. ”He stopped my cla.s.ses,” she said. ”Said I didn't have to go to cla.s.s anymore except just for special help. Said I had too many tapes to do.”

So what do I start with? That That stupid thing. Like I had all kinds of time. stupid thing. Like I had all kinds of time.

”Is it all right, sera?” Catlin was worried.

”It's all right.” She shoved away from the doorframe and came to put napkins down. The oven timer was running down, a flicker of green readout. ”I can handle it. I will handle it. Maybe he's even right: I've got a lot to go through. And it's not like I was losing the school.” She leaned on a chair back. The timer went. ”I'll miss the kids, though.”

”Will we meet with them?” Florian asked.

”Oh, sure. Not that we won't.” She grabbed her plate and held it out as Florian used the tongs to get the heated dinner from the oven. She took hers and sat down as Florian and Catlin served themselves and joined her.

Dinner. A little talk. Retreat to their rooms to study. It was the way it always had been-except she had her own office and they had their computer terminals and their House accesses through the Minder.

She went to her room to change. And sat down on the bed, wis.h.i.+ng she had left the cabinet alone and knowing she was in trouble.

Bad trouble. Because she was good at saying no to herself when she saw a reason for it... but it got harder and harder to think of the reasons not to do what she wanted, because when she did refuse she got mad, and when she got mad that feeling was there.

She went and read Base One . . . long, long stretches of the trivial housekeeping records Ari senior had generated, just the way they themselves were doing, until she ran them past faster and faster. Who cared cared whether Ari senior had wanted an order of tomatoes on the 28th September? whether Ari senior had wanted an order of tomatoes on the 28th September?

She thought about the tape library, about pulling up one of the Recommendeds and getting started with it. And finally thought that was probably the thing to do.

”Sera.” It was Florian's voice through the Minder. ”Excuse me. I'm doing the list. Do you want anything from Housekeeping?”

Bother and d.a.m.nation.

”Just send it.” A thought came, warm and tingly, and very, very dangerous. Then she said, deliberately, knowing it was stupid: ”And come here a minute. My office.”

”Yes, sera.”

Stupid, she said to herself. she said to herself. And cruel. It's And cruel. It's mean mean to do, dammit. Make up something else. Send him off on a job. to do, dammit. Make up something else. Send him off on a job.

G.o.d. . . .

She thought about Ollie. The way she had thought about him all afternoon. Ollie with maman. Ollie when he had looked young and maman had. Maman had never had to be lonely. . . while Ollie was there. And Ollie never minded.

”Sera?” Florian said, a real voice, from the doorway.

”Log-off,” she told Base One, and turned her chair around, and got up. ”Come on in, Florian. -What's Catlin doing?”

”Studying. We have a manual to do. Just light tape. It-isn't something you need to Super, -is it? Should I stop her?”

”No. It's all right. Is it something really urgent?”

”No.”

”Even if you were late? Even if you didn't get to it?”

”No, sera. They said-when we could. I think it would be all right. What do you want me to do?”

”I want you to come to my room a minute,” she said, and took him by the hand and walked him down the hall to her bedroom.

And shut the door once they were inside and locked it.

He looked at that and at her, concerned. ”Is there some trouble, sera?”

”I don't know.” She put her hands on his shoulders. Carefully. He twitched, hands moved, just a little defensive reaction, even if he knew she was going to do it. Uneasiness at being touched, the way he had reacted with Maddy once. ”Is that all right? Do you mind that?”

”No, sera. I don't mind.” He was still disturbed. His breathing got faster and deeper as she ran her hands down to his sides, and walked around behind him, and around again. Maybe he thought it was some kind of test. Maybe he understood. Another twitch, when she touched his chest.

She knew better. That was the awful thing. She was ashamed of herself all the way. She was afraid for Catlin and for him and none of it mattered, not for a moment.

She took a hard grip on his shoulder, friend-like. ”Florian. Do you know about s.e.x?”

He nodded. Once and emphatically.

”If you did it with me, would Catlin be upset?”

A shake of his head. A deep breath. ”Not if you said it was right.”

”Would you you be upset?” be upset?”

Another shake of his head. ”No, sera.”

”Are you sure?”

A deep nod. Another breath. ”Yes, sera.” Another. ”Can I go tell Catlin?”

”Now?”

”If it's going to be a while. She'll worry. I think I ought to tell her.”