Part 34 (1/2)

”No. They put too much on you. you. And I told Yanni that. I'm not plastic. I know what I'm doing. What have And I told Yanni that. I'm not plastic. I know what I'm doing. What have you you been doing all these years? I used to be your partner. What do you think I've gotten to be? One of the psych-cases you deal with? Or what do you think I am?” been doing all these years? I used to be your partner. What do you think I've gotten to be? One of the psych-cases you deal with? Or what do you think I am?”

Azi, was the obvious answer. Grant challenged him to it. And he froze up inside. was the obvious answer. Grant challenged him to it. And he froze up inside.

”Dumb-annie, huh?”

”Cut it, Grant.”

”Well?”

”Maybe-” He got his breath and turned away. ”Maybe it's pride. Maybe I've been taught all my life to think I'm the stronger one. And I know I've been fractured for years. And leaning on you. h.e.l.l if I don't feel guilty about that.”

”Different kind of pressure,” Grant said. ”Mine can't come from anywhere but you. Don't you know that, born-man?”

”Well, I sure as h.e.l.l pushed you into Yanni's office.”

”Give me a chance, chance, friend. I'm not a d.a.m.n robot. Maybe my feelings are plastic, but they're sure as h.e.l.l real. You want to yell at me, yell. friend. I'm not a d.a.m.n robot. Maybe my feelings are plastic, but they're sure as h.e.l.l real. You want to yell at me, yell. Don't Don't pull that Supervisor c.r.a.p.” pull that Supervisor c.r.a.p.”

”Then don't act like a d.a.m.n azi!”

He could not believe he had said that. He stood there in shock. So did Grant for a moment. With that hanging in the air between them.

”Well, I am,” Grant said then, with a little shrug. ”But I'm not guilty about it. How about you?”

”I'm sorry.”

”No, go ahead. d.a.m.n-azi all you like. I'd rather that than watch you bottle it up. You work till you're dropping, you're eating your gut out, and one more aberrant azi psychset is going to push you over the edge. So d.a.m.n-azi all you like. I'm glad you've gotten self-protective. It's about time.”

”G.o.d, don't psychoa.n.a.lyze me.”

”Sorry, can't help that. Thank G.o.d I I only have one born-man to worry about. Two would drive me into the wards. So d.a.m.n born-men too. They cause a h.e.l.l of a lot of trouble. You were right about Yanni. He's quite reasonable with azi. It's other born-men he pours it out on, everything he stores up. Question is whether he was telling me the truth. But if you'll calm down and listen to me, nothing about the fact you can't handle real-time is news to him. I only pointed out you were wasted in the Rubin project, and that if he wanted motivated work, he'd do well to put up with your doing design in your spare time. Which you're d.a.m.n well due. I don't think I was at all unreasonable.” only have one born-man to worry about. Two would drive me into the wards. So d.a.m.n born-men too. They cause a h.e.l.l of a lot of trouble. You were right about Yanni. He's quite reasonable with azi. It's other born-men he pours it out on, everything he stores up. Question is whether he was telling me the truth. But if you'll calm down and listen to me, nothing about the fact you can't handle real-time is news to him. I only pointed out you were wasted in the Rubin project, and that if he wanted motivated work, he'd do well to put up with your doing design in your spare time. Which you're d.a.m.n well due. I don't think I was at all unreasonable.” Eavesdroppers, Eavesdroppers, Justin thought with a jolt, and sorted back wildly to remember what they had said. He signed Grant to be careful, and Grant nodded. Justin thought with a jolt, and sorted back wildly to remember what they had said. He signed Grant to be careful, and Grant nodded.

”I'm sorry,” Justin said then, calmer. And wis.h.i.+ng he could find a dark place to hide him. But Grant was doing all right. Grant was holding up fine, with a dignity he could not manage. ”Grant, I-just react to things. Flux-thinking. You've got to understand.”

”Hey,” Grant said. ”I don't don't understand. I marvel at it. The number of levels you can react on is really amazing. The number of things you can believe at one time is incredible. I don't understand it. I'm going to spend days figuring that reaction and I'll probably still miss nuances.” understand. I marvel at it. The number of levels you can react on is really amazing. The number of things you can believe at one time is incredible. I don't understand it. I'm going to spend days figuring that reaction and I'll probably still miss nuances.”

”Real simple. I'm scared as h.e.l.l. I thought I knew where things were and all of a sudden even you went sideways on me. So everything s.h.i.+fted to polar-opposite values. Born-men are real logical.”

”G.o.d. Life would be so dull if there weren't born-men. Now I wonder which pole Yanni was at while I was talking to him. That's enough to worry h.e.l.l out of you.”

”Was he calm?”

”Very.”

”Then you got the main set, didn't you?”

”We just have to learn not to agitate you people. I think they ought to put that in the beginning tape-sets. 'Excited born-men go to alternate programming sets. Every born-man is schiz. And he hates his alter ego.' That's the whole key to CIT behavior.”

”You're not far wrong.”

”h.e.l.l. I've been endocrine-learning for years. I'm really amazed. I went right over to it. Dual and triple opinions, the whole thing. I must say I prefer my natural psychset. My natural natural psychset, thank you. A lot easier on the stomach. Do you want to go to lunch?” psychset, thank you. A lot easier on the stomach. Do you want to go to lunch?”

He looked at Grant, at Grant with the s.h.i.+elds up again, with that slight, mocking smile that was Grant's way of defying fate, the universe, and Reseune Administration. For a moment he felt both fortunate and terrified.

As if for the first time everything that had been going away from him had stopped and trembled on the edge of reversing itself.

”Sure,” he said. ”Sure.” He caught Grant's arm and steered him out the door. ”If you could make headway with Yanni Schwartz you could hire out by the hour. Probably everybody in the Wing could use your services.”

”Un-unh. No. I'm in regular employment, thanks.” People were staring. He dropped Grant's arm. And realized half the Wing must have heard him shouting at Grant. And was looking for signs of damage.

They were a source of gossip for a whole host of reasons. And now there was a new one.

That would get back to Yanni too.

viii There were new tilings all the time. Nelly took Ari to the store in the North Wing, and they came back with packages. That was fun. She bought Nelly things too, and Nelly was so happy it made her feel good, to see Nelly with a new suit and looking pretty and so proud.

But Nelly was not maman. She liked it at first when Nelly put her arms around her, but Nelly always was Nelly, that was all, and all at once one night she felt so empty when Nelly did that. She didn't tell Nelly, because Nelly was telling her a story. But after that it was harder and harder to put up with Nelly holding her, when maman was gone. So she fidgeted down and sat on the floor for her stories, which Nelly seemed to think was all right.

Seely was just n.o.body. She teased Seely sometimes, but Seely never laughed. And that felt awful. So she left Seely alone, except when she asked him for a soft drink or a cookie. Which she got more of than maman would like. So she tried to be good and not to ask, and to eat vegetables and not have so much sugar. It's not good for you, maman would say. And anything maman said was something she tried to remember and keep doing, because everything of maman's she forgot was like forgetting maman. So she ate the d.a.m.n vegetables and got a lump in her throat because some of them tasted awful, all messed up with white creamy stuff. Ugh. They made her want to throw up. But she did it because of maman and it made her so sad and so mad at the same time she felt like crying.

But if she did cry she went to her room and shut the door, and wiped her eyes and washed her face before she came out again, because she was not going to snivel.

She wanted somebody to play with but she didn't want it to be Sam. Sam knew her too well. Sam would know about her maman. And she would beat his face in, because she couldn't stand him looking at her with his face that never showed anything.

So when Nelly asked did she want to go back to playschool she said all right if Sam wasn't there.

”I don't know who there is, then,” Nelly said.

”Then I'll go by myself,” she said. ”Let's go do the gym. All right?”

So Nelly took her. And they fed the fish and she played in the sandbox, but the sandbox was no fun by herself; and Nelly was not good at making buildings. So they just fed the fish and took walks and played on the playground and in the gym.

There was tapestudy. And a lot of the grown-ups did lessons with her. She learned a lot of things. She lay there in her bed at night with her head so full of new things she had trouble thinking of maman and Ollie.

Uncle Denys was right. It hurt less, day by day. That was the thing that scared her. Because if it didn't hurt the mad was harder to keep. So she bit her lip till it hurt and tried to keep it that way.

There was a children's party. She saw Amy there. Amy ran and got behind sera Peterson and acted like a baby. She remembered why she had wanted to hit Amy. The rest of the kids just stared at her a lot and sera Peterson told them they had to play with her.

They weren't happy about it. She could tell. There was Kate and Tommy and a kid named Pat, and Amy, who cried and snuffled over in the corner. Sam was there too. Sam came out from the others and said h.e.l.lo, Ari. Sam was the only friendly one. So she said h.e.l.lo, Sam. And wished she could go home, but Nelly had gone in the kitchen to have tea with sera Peterson's azi, and Nelly was having a good time.

So she went over and sat down and played their game, which was a dice game, and you moved around a board, which was Union s.p.a.ce. You got money. All right. She played it, and everybody got to arguing and laughing and teasing each other again. Except Amy. Except they teased each other and not her. But that was all right. She learned their game. She started getting money. Sam was the luckiest one with the dice, but Sam was too careful with his money and Tommy was too reckless. ”I'll sell you a station,” she said. And Amy bought it for most of what Amy had. So Amy charged a lot and Ari just charged less. And what Amy had bought was off at the edge anyway. So Ari got more money and Amy got mad. And n.o.body wanted to trade for Amy's station, but Ari offered to buy it back, not for what Amy wanted for it.

So Amy took it and bought s.h.i.+ps. And Ari raised her prices a little.

Amy sniveled. And pretty soon she was in trouble again, because Ari kept beating her by using her money to buy up cargoes and keeping a surplus of the only things Amy could get because stupid Amy kept coming to her her stations instead of sticking to Tommy's. Amy wanted a fight. Amy got a fight. But she didn't want Amy to lose real soon and rum the game, so she told Amy what she ought to do. stations instead of sticking to Tommy's. Amy wanted a fight. Amy got a fight. But she didn't want Amy to lose real soon and rum the game, so she told Amy what she ought to do.

Amy got real mad then. And sniveled some more.

She didn't take the advice either.