Part 34 (2/2)

'Yes,' I said, my throat aching. 'We did.'

'But I didn't know who you were...' he croaked. I saw his mouth quiver.

'No, you didn't. I intended to tell you that night, but it was impossible in the restaurant, and then I tried to tell you in the dark room, but I just...couldn't. I wanted to, but at the same time I didn't want to, because I liked you so much. My courage failed me. Again.'

'It's funny,' he murmured, swallowing now. 'I was so struck by your concern at what had happened to me. I found your compa.s.sion really touching. It was as though it really affected you personally. And now I know that it did-but not for the reasons I thought. How ironic,' he added bitterly. 'I found your tender-heartedness very endearing. But actually, it was just guilt.'

'Yes. It was guilt. It was awful-it has been awful-seeing what happened to you, knowing the part I'd played in it.'

'Ah,' he said, nodding. 'Now I understand your questions about my att.i.tude towards the person who'd done it. How strange,' he added, bleakly. 'I told you I'd like to meet that person. That I'd like to be face to face with them.' He turned towards me. 'But I've been face to face with them all along.' He looked at the horizon again. 'And you wanted to know whether I could ever forgive that person. Because, I now understand, you had a personal interest in knowing the answer to that.'

'Yes, it's true-I did. I wanted to hear you say that you could forgive me, because I already knew I was in love with you.'

'Did you know that, Miranda?'

'Yes.'

'Are you sure?'

'Of course I'm sure.'

'But I don't think it's true.'

'It is!'

'No. You've just confused love with guilt. That's why you've felt whatever it is you've felt for me these past few weeks. You were compensating for the harm you'd once done me. But I'm pretty sure it's not love.'

'It is love.'

'How do you know?'

'Because I do know.'

'But how?'

'Because, yesterday, when we were looking at that grave in Amberley churchyard, I suddenly realized that I'd like to be buried with you. That's how I know! You have to believe me, David.'

'No,' he sighed. 'That's where you're wrong. I don't have to believe you at all.'

'But what I'm saying is true.'

'How the h.e.l.l do I know? You're clearly an expert in deception.'

'I'm not actually.'

'Yes you are-the subterfuge you've used!'

'Only because I had to, in order to find you, and to get to know you-but actually I'm not like that at all. But yes, I know it doesn't look good, and I know I have misled you.'

'You certainly have. What a trail of lies has led you to this point, Miranda. I almost feel sorry for you. Having to keep it up. Trying to avoid exposure. How very exhausting for you... But that leads me to another thing-which is more important than anything else-and that is, how do I know that you genuinely didn't know that the video wasn't just a video?'

I felt myself go cold. 'Because it's true. I had absolutely no idea. And if I had, I would never, in a million years, have delivered it, however infatuated I'd been.'

'Perhaps you've simply convinced yourself of that.'

'No. It's the truth. The fact is that I believed what Jimmy said, because I had no reason not to. He'd never done anything violent before.'

'But you would say that,' he said. 'Wouldn't you?' I stared at him helplessly. 'But how do I actually know? It's perfectly possible that you and this... Jimmy, targeted my father, together, for your own strange reasons. But now, sixteen years on, you're anxious to present yourself to me as the innocent dupe.'

'But that's exactly what I was! That's why Jimmy asked me to deliver it. Because he was too cowardly to deliver it himself.'

David stared at me, then looked out to sea again, blinking thoughtfully. 'It was put through the door in the early hours. That suggests that you were worried about being seen.'

'Of course. Because I didn't want to be hauled before the magistrates for delivering animal rights propaganda, which is what I believed it to be. I knew it was hara.s.sment-but I felt it was justified, because of what they were doing to laboratory animals; and I'd believed Jimmy's lies about your dad.'

'So you got up early 'specially to deliver it, did you?'

'No, I ... No,' I sighed. 'I didn't. That's not how it happened. I ... I...was in love with Jimmy. I've told you that. And that night in March...that night, I'd been at his flat in East Street and for the first time we'd...'

'Oh, spare me,' he groaned.

'It was a huge thing for me,' I murmured. 'I'd never been to bed with anyone before-and I was infatuated with Jimmy to the point of obsession-and to me this proved that he loved me. So that night I stayed at his flat. But I was terrified that my mother would realize that I wasn't in my room, so I knew I'd have to get home before she was up; and she was getting up very early then because of my younger sisters, so I left Jimmy's place at about a quarter to five. And as I was leaving, he picked up this parcel on the hall table-I remember having seen it lying there for quite a while, now I think about it-and he handed it to me, then told me to put it through the door of Professor White. I asked him why he wanted me to do it, and he said that it was because West Drive was on my way home. Which was true. So I agreed.'

'But didn't you ask what it was?'

'I did. And he told me it was an anti-vivisection video about monkeys, because your dad had been involved with neurological experiments.' David groaned quietly, and shook his head. 'But I believed him. And the point about Jimmy is that he'd never ever been violent. He was the man of peace. The hero who was an animal rights campaigner, but who had publicly denounced violent action-so no one had ever thought him extreme. I had no reason to doubt him, plus I wanted to impress him, so I said I'd deliver it for him-and I did. He did say that it would give your father a ”bit of a shock”. But it was only the next day, when I found out the truth, that I understood what he'd meant by that.'

'You were on a bicycle, weren't you?'

'Yes.'

'So you were the slight female figure seen by the milkman?' I nodded. 'Jesus Christ,' he said quietly. 'It was you. It was you.' He ran his hand through his hair. 'Well, thank you for telling me at last. How long has it taken, Miranda? Six weeks? And now I want you to tell me something else.' My heart sank. 'Who is Jimmy?' He looked at me. 'Who is he? I'd like to know his full name, and what he does. You say you met him again recently, so you'll be able to tell me.'

'I can't,' I said miserably.

'You can.'

'Okay, yes, I can. I could. But I don't want to.'

'But I have the right to know.'

'That's true. But I also have the right not to tell you. And I'm very sorry about it, David. I wish I could tell you-but this has never been about Jimmy-it's about me. Shopping Jimmy-however awful he was-would make me feel underhand and wrong. Plus the fact that I know his wife, and it could destroy their marriage. And I'm sure he's done nothing horrible since, and isn't a threat to anyone.'

'So why did he do what he did?'

'I wish I knew! But I don't. He never explained his motive, and I only saw him once more-the following day. Then I heard not long afterwards that he'd left Brighton, and after that there was no contact at all.' We sat for a moment, listening to the sharp cries of the seagulls as they hung in the air overhead.

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