Part 35 (1/2)

'How weird,' said David after a few moments. 'You and I are on different sides of the same terrible event.'

'Yes,' I murmured. 'We are. For the past sixteen years I've thought about you so much. I used to try and imagine what had happened to you and how badly you'd been hurt. All I knew was what I read in the newspaper the next day. I felt so dreadful about it, David-the whole thing was a terrible shock.'

'So you say.'

'Well, I say it because it's true. I used to write you these letters, in which I'd tell you the whole story and apologize to you. But I'd always tear them up, because I was terrified that you'd go to the police, and then my life would be ruined.'

'Poor Miranda,' he said. 'Poor Miranda...' A flicker of hope rose in my heart. 'I feel very sorry for you. I really do. And maybe what you're saying is true.' He shrugged. 'I don't know. All I do know is,' he stood up, 'that we won't be having lunch after all. Could we go to your car?'

'What for?'

'I want to get my stuff. I'll get the train back to London.'

'Oh David, please don't go. We can talk about it for as long as you like, but please don't go like this-not now.'

'But there's nothing else to say. You've finally told me the truth. I don't feel like being with you, Miranda. It's not my injuries. It's not even the effect it had on my life. It's the simple fact that that bomb was intended to kill my father. So forgive me if I don't much feel like fraternizing with the woman who put it through the door.' He picked up his jacket. 'I feel...differently about you now. I don't trust you at all. You told me when we played chess that strategic thinking isn't your strong point-but it seems to me that it is. I even suspect you manipulated me into falling in love with you, so that I'd forgive you. But I don't. And although, yes, I had fallen in love with you, those feelings were for someone else-the person I thought was you. So can we get my bags now?' he added quietly. We walked in silence to the car. I opened the boot, and he lifted out his camera bag, his holdall, and the tripod. Then he turned and walked away; and I stood there, staring at his retreating form until he was quite out of focus, no more than a dot, then a speck, and then gone.

CHAPTER 13.

'I wish he'd got angry with me,' I wept to Daisy when I got back to London. 'But he was too shocked.'

'Poor Miranda,' she said. 'I did think he might take it better than that.'

'Well, Christ, it's such a huge thing. I never had any idea how he'd react. I just hoped that he'd be able to cope with it, but he clearly couldn't.'

'So what did you do when he left?'

'I sat in the car for about an hour, just crying. Then I went to see my mum.'

'You didn't tell her, did you?'

'No. She saw I was upset, but she a.s.sumed it was about Alexander and I didn't disabuse her of that. My dad was there too.'

'Really?'

'They were having lunch.'

'Good G.o.d!'

'I know,' I said as my sobs subsided. 'All very civilized. But they've got this mad idea for the llamas-it's totally nuts.'

'What is it?'

I wiped my eyes. 'It's so crazy, I'm too embarra.s.sed to tell you-anyway, they were busy discussing that. I stayed for about an hour then drove back to London.'

'And there was no message from David?'

'No. But I knew that there wouldn't be.'

'So what are you going to do?'

What am I going to do? 'I wish I knew, Daisy. I feel so awful.'

'What do you want to do?'

'I just want to convince David that I'm telling the truth. But that's going to be impossible, as he now believes I'm manipulative and deceitful-both of which I have been.'

'Only because you had to be.'

'I know. But he clearly thinks I'm like that all the time.'

'If he knew you well, he'd know that you're not.'

'But that's precisely the problem. He's known me less than two months. I couldn't tell him the truth before, Daisy. I tried to, but I couldn't, and now I've got myself in this terrible mess. He also said that he thought my feelings for him weren't genuine, that it was guilt, not love.'

I heard Daisy hesitate. 'Is there any truth in that?'

'No. I fell in love with him, because I fell in love with him. Love doesn't grow out of a bad conscience-resentment does.'

'That's true. And presumably he wanted to know who Jimmy was?'

'Yes. But I didn't tell him. However vile Jimmy is, it felt...wrong. And in any case, Jimmy is irrelevant to me in all this.'

'But he's not irrelevant to David.'

I sighed. 'I know. But there's no way round it. David also wanted to know why Jimmy did it-of course-and I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't, because I don't actually know myself.'

'Then I really think you've got to find out. Because if you could at least tell David that much, it would help him. He must feel so dreadful, Miranda.'

'He does. He feels terrible. In fact he cried, Daisy. He cried.' I felt my throat ache.

'Well... I'm not surprised. It's all been thrown up for him again, but he still doesn't have closure. So he has all the pain of revisiting it, without any resolution-plus the awful knowledge that you were involved. You've got to find out why Jimmy did it,' she reiterated.

'How am I going to do that?'

'Well...ask.'

'What? Ask Jimmy? Just like that?'

'Yes.'

'He'll never tell me. It's too dangerous.'

'So is not telling you.'

'What do you mean?'