Part 20 (2/2)

'So what did he tell the cops?'

I smiled bitterly. 'He gave them a statement in the hospital. And at first he told them the same story-that he thought I was with him. Then he said that when he'd realized I wasn't, he'd decided to run to his flat to raise the alarm. But the point is...'

'That he had a mobile phone?'

I nodded. 'He did ring the police, but by then someone had already dialled nine-nine-nine.'

'And how do you feel about him now?'

I sighed, then shook my head. 'All sorts of things. Anger, mostly, but I also have this dragging sense of sadness and disappointment.' I tapped my sternum. 'Right here. It sort of pulls me down. Because I'd thought Alexander was wonderful. There was nothing about him that I didn't like. But then I was suddenly made to see him in an entirely new light.'

'Weren't there any signs beforehand?'

'There were, though I didn't attach enough importance to them at the time-that was my mistake. The main clue was that he was impulsive-he'd suddenly do things on a whim. I'd found it rather endearing-until then. He wasn't a...solid sort of man, I suppose. But he was such good fun, and he was in love with me, and I imagined that I was in love with him. I was certainly very happy to be with him. I haven't had that many relations.h.i.+ps, you see.' David looked into my eyes. 'Hardly any, actually.'

'Why not?'

I shrugged. 'I don't...know,' I lied. 'I've just...avoided them for...various reasons. For most of my adult life, I've been on my own. So being with Alexander was a big thing for me.'

'And do you have any contact with him now?'

'None. I don't want to see him again. And he doesn't want to see me either, because he feels too ashamed. So the next day Daisy went and collected Herman, and my things, from his flat. And I haven't laid eyes on him since that night.'

'So he didn't argue about the relations.h.i.+p ending.'

'No, although he was clearly shocked that it happened so fast. I think he thought we'd talk about it, but to me it was crystal clear. The big, strong man, who said he loved me, had abandoned me to be mugged. He did write to me afterwards, to say that he was sorry that I-what was it?-oh yes, ”felt the way I did”. As though I'd left him for some other, far more trivial, reason. But he didn't say that he was sorry. But, tellingly, he asked me not to mention the ”incident in Archway”, as he delicately put it, because he was obviously worried that I'd spill the beans. Anyway, I've obliged him on that front. Only Daisy knows-and now you do too-but I know you're not going to tell anybody.'

David shook his head. 'No. I'm not. In any case, you haven't told me his second name so I don't even know who he is. All I'd say is that you don't have to protect him, Miranda.'

'I'm not protecting him-I'm protecting myself.'

'But why?'

'Because the whole thing makes me feel so ashamed. The humiliation of it. Can't you see? As though I wasn't worth defending.'

He looked at me. 'I'd have defended you. To the death,' he added with a melodramatic smile. 'Seriously, Miranda, I would. I'd have protected you.'

I half-smiled. 'I believe you, actually.'

'To be honest, most men would. I think what he did was very...unusual.'

'Yes,' I murmured. 'That's what makes it even worse.'

'How long were you in hospital?'

'Just one night. At least my injuries weren't grievous; a broken rib, some bad facial bruising and a nasty b.u.mp to the head. Anyway it's all healed now.'

'And psychologically? That's so much harder to get over than the physical damage.' I knew that he was speaking from experience.

'I could hardly sleep for the first month. I had bad dreams and flashbacks-I still do. And I'm very tense on the street. I can't stand it if anyone comes up to me, or even walks too close to me. I have to fight the urge to scream at them.'

'Well, no one's going to be doing that tonight, because I'm going to take you home.'

'Really?'

'Yes, I've got my car.'

We left the restaurant and crossed over Queensway into Moscow Road, where David had parked his black Saab.

'I imagine it's made you distrustful of men,' David said as he started the engine.

'I already was distrustful of them.'

'Why?'

'Because the ones I've been close to-from my dad onwards-have either let me down, or betrayed me in some way.' Now, I remembered my dream about The Wizard of Oz, with Alexander and Jimmy both playing the cowardly lion.

'It's sad that you feel like that,' David said quietly, as we drove down Suss.e.x Gardens.

'I can't help it.'

'And have the muggers been caught?'

'No. They found my bag in a dustbin the next day. All they'd taken was the credit card, the purse, and the phone. And the engagement ring, of course. The police contact me from time to time, but nothing's happened yet. No ID parades or anything like that, not that I'd ever want to set eyes on them again-even in the dock. I just want to forget.'

'You must hate them,' he said quietly, as we waited to turn right into Marylebone Road. I heard the hypnotic tick-tock of his indicator, like a metronome.

'I'm not very fond of them, no.'

'That kind of physical attack is very hard to get over,' he said, as we moved off again. 'I know that because I've been through it too. You see, what happened with my hands...' I glanced at his left one as he changed gear, '...wasn't an accident.'

My stomach began to churn. 'Wasn't it?' I heard myself say. We pa.s.sed the Planetarium then turned left into the park.

'No. I told you it was, because that's what I tell people-because I don't like talking about it. But it wasn't an accident at all.'

'No?' I said faintly.

'It was a letter-bomb. It had been sent to my father by an animal rights group, but I opened it...' Because it was your birthday. '...because it was my birthday.' I felt tears p.r.i.c.k the backs of my eyes. 'Usually I was careful to read the envelopes first as Dad and I shared the same initial-his name was Derek-' Yes, I know it was. '-but I was expecting a few things in the post that day. And I was the first to come down, and there was this parcel on the mat. So I unwrapped it, and inside was a video. And I remember thinking that it was odd that someone had sent me a video, as we didn't actually have a video player then; I also remember thinking that it had a slightly strange smell. But I had no reason to be suspicious, so I opened it. There was this thudding sound-not a ”bang”, interestingly, but a ”thud”-and a bright blue-white flash-like oxyacetylene-and a flame, then I couldn't see. Then everyone came running, my parents and my brother, and then the pain began to kick in and I was hyperventilating, and there was quite a lot of blood, obviously, and this awful caustic smell...'

'Oh David.'

'Then the ambulance came. They sedated me, rushed me to Brighton Hospital, and I was in the burns unit for about a month. Then the long haul with the skin grafts began.'

'Oh David. I can't bear it.' My throat ached. 'It's just so awful. I'm so sorry. It's so awful.' He reached his left hand out and placed it on mine for a moment.

'It's okay, Miranda, you don't have to feel so upset about it.' I do. I do. 'It was a long time ago. And at least my eyes were okay-thank G.o.d. I just got a bit of shrapnel in my face-all I've got is this tiny scar, here-' he touched his cheek, '-you must have noticed it. Anyway-to cut a long story short, I know what it feels like to be physically a.s.saulted by a stranger, so I can sympathize.'

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