Part 3 (1/2)

I have now, and have had since this afternoon, a great yearning to write all my anxiety entirely out of me, write it into the depths of the paper just as it comes out of the depths of me, or write it down in such a way that I could drahat I had written intoToday, when Lowy spoke of his dissatisfaction with and of his indifference to everything that the troupe does, I explained his condition as due to hoive hih I voiced it, instead kept it foras a sorrow of my own

9 Deceets illusions about its real value”

If one patiently submits to a book of letters or memoirs, no matter by whom, in this case it is Karl Stauffer-Bern, one doesn't th, for to do this one has to employ art, and art is its oard; but rather one suffers oneself to be draay-this is easily done, if one doesn't resist-by the concentrated otherness of the person writing, and lets oneself be er reht back to one's sex by the closing of the book, that one feels the better for this excursion and this recreation, and, with a clearer head, re, which has been newly discovered, newly shaken up and seen for a moment from the distance Only later are we surprised that these experiences of another person's life, in spite of their vividness, are faithfully described in the book-our own experience inclines us to think that nothing in the world is further removed from an experience (sorrow over the death of a friend, for instance) than its description But what is right for us is not right for the other person If our letters cannot rees of this, passing imperceptibly into one another in both directions-if even at our best, expressions like ”indescribable,” ”inexpressible,” or ”so sad,” or ”so beautiful,” followed by a rapidly collapsing ”that” clause, must perpetually come to our assistance, then as if in coiven the ability to comprehend what another person has written with at least the saree of calm exactitude which we lack e confront our own letter-writing Our ignorance of those feelings which alternately ain the letter in front of us, this very ignorance becoe the moment we are compelled to limit ourselves to this letter, to believe only what it says, and thus to find it perfectly expressed and perfect in expression, as is only right, if we are to see a clear road into what is most human So Karl Stauffer's letters contain only an account of the short life of an artist- 10 Deceo to see my sister [Elli] and her little boy When ht the day before yesterday with the news of the boy's birth, htshi+rt, opened all the doors, woke h the child had not only been born, but as though it had already lived an honorable life and been buried too

13 Deceue did not write and lay now on the sofa in the wars and disgusting drea lay on my body, one paw near my face I woke up because of it but was still afraid for a little while to open my eyes and look at it

Biberpelz (Beaver Fur) Bad play, flowing along without climax Scenes with the police superintendent not true Delicate acting by the Leh Theater The way her skirt folds between her thighs when she bends The thoughtful look of the people when she raises her two hands, places them one under the other on the left in front of her face, as though she wanted to weaken the force of the denying or protesting voice Bewildered, coarse acting of the others The coes hats) My cold aversion Went ho of admiration that so many people take upon the (they shout, steal, are robbed, harass, slander, neglect), and that in this play, if one only looks at it with blinking eyes, so ether Pretty girls One with a flat face, unbroken surfaces of skin, rounded cheeks, hair beginning high up, eyes lost in this ses of the play in which the Wulffen woman shows herself at once a thief and an honest friend of the clever, progressive, deht feel himself justified-Sad parallelis, in the second act is the judgment, the same in the third and fourth acts

Der Schneider als Gemeinderat (The Tailor as Municipal Councilor) at the Jews Without the Tschissiks but with t, terrible people, thc Liebgold couple

Bad play by Richter Thc beginning like Moliere, the purse-proud alderold woman can't read, her husband has to rehearse with her

It is almost a custom for a comedian to marry a serious actress and a serious actor a co with theht, the piano player, probably a bachelor, slipped out of the door with hisSociety The essence of my unmusicalness consists in my inability to enjoy music connectedly, it only now and then has an effect on me, and how seldom it is a musical one The natural effect of music on me is to circumscribe me with a wall, and its only constant influence on me is that, confined in this way, I a the public, no such reverence for literature as there is for irls It was only the melody that held open the mouths of many of them

The throat and head of one with a clu

Three clerics in a box The nity, unht is sunken into hiid, wrinkled face; the one on the left, stout, holds his face propped at an angle on his half-opened fist

Played: Tragic Overture (I hear only slow, solemn beats, now here, now there It is instructive to watch the roup of players to another and to folloith the ear The disheveled hair of the conductor) ”Beherzigung” by Goethe, ”Nanie” by Schiller, ”Gesang der Parzen,” ”Triu woh on a piece of early Italian architecture

Despite the fact that for a considerable ti deep in literature and it has often broken over eneral desire to be happy, I have felt no genuine desire for literature In the same way I considered Lowy my indispensable friend last week, and now I have easily dispensed with hiin to write after a rather long interval, I draw the words as if out of the empty air If I capture one, then I have just this one alone and all the toil in anew

14 December My father reproached me at noon because I don't bother with the factory I explained that I had accepted a share because I expected profit but that I cannot take an active part so long as I am in the office Father quarreled on, I stood silently at theThis evening, however, I caught , as a result of that noon-time discussion, that I could put up with my present situation very contentedly, and that I only had to be careful not to have all ht to a closer inspection when it beca and already appeared accustomed I disputed my ability to devote all my time to literature This conviction arose, of course, only froer than it I also thought of Max as of a stranger despite the fact that today he has an exciting evening of reading and acting in Berlin, it occurs to ht of hiirlfriend's) house onwalk

Walk with Lon by the river The one pillar of the vault rising out of the Elizabeth Bridge, lit on the inside by an electric light, looked-a darkfroe of shadow stretching over it to the sky was like ascending sht at the side of the bridge

The way, during the reading of Beethoven und das Liebespaar (Beethoven and the Lovers) by W Schafer, various thoughts (about dinner, about Loas waiting) unconnected hat I was reading passed through , which just today was very pure

16 Dece and reading newspapers Afraid to finish a review for the Prager Tagblatt Such fear of writing always expresses itself byup, away from my desk, initial sentences for what I am to write, which i before their end, and pointing with their towering fragments to a sad future

The old tricks at the Christmas Fair Two cockatoos on a crossbar pull fortunes Mistakes: a girl has a lady-love predicted A man offers artificial flowers for sale in rhyme: To jest ruze udelena z kuze [This is a rose, esture, he rolls his right forearm back and forth at the joint, he opens his hands a little and then draws theain Sweat covers his face, especially his upper lip, as though with splinters of glass A buttonless dickey has been hurriedly tucked into the vest under his straight black coat

The wars

Jewish streets in Paris, rue Rosier, side street of rue de Rivoli

If a disorganized education having only that minimum coherence indispensable for the ed to a task limited in time, therefore necessarily arduous, to self-development, to articulate speech, then the response can only be a bitterness in which are ance over achieve upon all one's untrained powers, a last glance at the knowledge that escapes in surprise and that is so very fluctuating because it was suspected rather than certain, and, finally, hate and ad asleep yesterday I had an iroup of people were isolated like aseemed to me completely new and, once discovered, easily executed

A company was assembled around a table, the earth extended somewhat beyond the circle of people, but of all these people, at theman in ancient dress His left ar loosely over his face, which was playfully turned up towards soly bent over hi, was stretched out in careless youthfulness, he lay rather than sat The two distinct pairs of lines that outlined his legs crossed and softlyhis body His pale, colored clothes lay heaped up between these lines with feeble corporeality In astonishot in my head an excitement that I was convinced was that sauide the pencil in ht condition in order better to be able to think the drawing through

Then it soon turned out, of course, that I had iroup

In periods of transition such as the past week has been for me and as this moment at least still is, a sad but calrips s by a hollow space and I don't even push , when in to , I ht of Hippodamie by Vrchlicky

It is certain that Sunday can never be of anization throws all my habits into confusion and I need the additional free time to adjust myself halfway to this special day

The moment I were set free from the office I would yield at once to raphy I would have to have sooal when I began to write in order to be able to give direction to thechange than this, which is itself so terribly iraphy would be a great joy because it woulddown of dreareat one, which would always influenceand feeling of everyone else

18 Dece about in Greek rahout the whole perforood production (which here, however, was nothing but an ireat theatrical work All this must be sad for a Czech who knows even a little of the world

The Lieutenant-Governor, who during the interh the open door of his box

The appearance of the dead Axiocha, called up in the shape of a phanto died only a short tio, she relives her old huht of the world

I hate Werfel, not because I envy hi and rich, everything that I aifted with a sense of ood work early and easily, he has the happiest life behind hiet rid of, and I am entirely shut off from music

I a I wait like an ox For if I feel a purpose in my momentary existence, even a very uncertain one, I a for the sake of this purpose once it is beforeI waited, years ago, under the arcades of the Ring until M came by, even to see her ith her lover I have been late for appointnorance of the pains of waiting, but also partly in order to attain new, coh a renewed, uncertain search for the people hom I had made the appoint, uncertain waiting Froreat nervous fear of waiting one could conclude that I was destined for soood periods do not have time or opportunity to live themselves out naturally; my bad ones, on the other hand, have more than they need As I see fro from such a state since the 9th, for alain went to bed with my head on fire, and was ready to rejoice that the bad time was over and ready to fear that I would sleep badly It passed, however, I slept fairly well and feel badly when I'e (David's Violin) by Lateiner The disinherited son, a good violinist, returns ho in ar, his feet bound in rags like a snow shoveler, he tests his relatives who have never left hoive his son in e hi wo open a Prince Albert under which, on a diagonal sash, hang decorations fro he turns all the relatives and their hangers-on into good people and straightens out their affairs

Mrs Tschissik acted again Yesterday her body was more beautiful than her face, which seemed narrower than usual so that the forehead, which is thrown into wrinkles at her first word, was too striking The beautifully founded,with her face yesterday, and she res like mermaids, sirens, centaurs When she stood before me then, with her face distorted, her complexion spoiled by make-up, a stain on her dark-blue short-sleeved blouse, I felt as though I were speaking to a statue in a circle of pitiless onlookers

Mrs Klug stood near her and watched me Miss Weltsch watched s as possible I did not stop asking Mrs Tschissik why she had gone to Dresden, although I knew that she had quarreled with the others and for that reason had gone away, and that this subject was e to her In the end it was evenelse occurred toto Mrs Klug, I turned to Mrs

Tschissik, saying ”Pardon!” to Mrs Klug as though I intended to spend the rest ofwith Mrs Tschissik I observed that rasped her, but only flitted about her, now nearer, now farther Indeed, it can find no peace

Mrs Liebgold acted a young nant body As she does not obey her father (Lowy), he presses the upper part of her body down on a chair and beats her over her very tightly trousered behind Lowy said that he touched her with the sanance that he would a mouse Seen from the front, however, she is pretty, it is only in profile that her nose slants down too long, too pointed and too cruel

I first arrived at ten, took a walk and tasted to the full the slight nervousness of having a seat in the theater and going for a walk during the perforto her always lively singing does nothing less than prove the solidity of the world, which is what I need, after all

Today at breakfast I spoke with e, only a feords, but for the first time saw clearly how untrue and childish is the conception of me that myman who suffers a little from the notion that he is ill This notion will disappear by itself with ti children would put an end to it best of all Then ree that is perhaps necessary for an educated man A matter-of-fact, undisturbed interest in my profession or in the factory or in whatever htest, not the trace of a reason for permanent despair about my future There is occasion for temporary despair, which is not very deep, however, whenever I think my stomach is upset, or when I can't sleep because I write too much There are thousands of possible solutions The irl and will never again want to do without her Then I shall see how good their intentions towards me are and how little they will interfere with me But if I remain a bachelor like my uncle in Madrid, that too will be no misfortune because with my cleverness I shall kno to make adjustments

23 Dece in a direction that is foreign and false to all my relatives and acquaintances, the apprehension arises, and my father expresses it, that I shall becoeneration of the family, the fool somewhat altered to meet the needs of a different period; but from now on I'll be able to feel how rows continually weaker in the course of the years) suainst Uncle Rudolf, and that enters like a wedge between the conceptions entertained about the two of us

Day before yesterday in the factory In the evening at Max's where the artist, Novak, was just then displaying the lithographs of Max I could not express myself in their presence, could not say yes or no Max voiced several opinions which he had already for revolved about them without result Finally I becaraphs, overcame at least the surprise of my unaccustomed eye, found a chin round, a face coh he earing a giant dress shi+rt under his street clothes The artist replied to this with so which was not to be understood either at the first or second atte it to us of all people who thus, if his opinions were proved to be genuinely correct, were in the position of having spoken the cheapest nonsense

He asserted that it is the felt and even conscious task of the artist to assimilate his subject to his own art form To achieve this he had first prepared a portrait sketch in color, which also lay before us and which in dark colors showed a really too sharp, dry likeness (this too-great-sharpness I can acknowledge only now), and was declared by Max to be the best portrait, as, aside from its likeness about the eyes and ht out in the right degree by the dark colors If one were asked about it, one couldn't deny it Froraphs, endeavoring in lithograph after lithograph to get farther and farther away from the natural phenomenon but at the same time not only not to violate his own art form but rather to come closer to it stroke by stroke So, for instance, the ear lost its hue and beca Max's bony chin, starting from the ear itself, lost its simple boundary, indispensable as it seems, and a new one was as little created for the observer as a new truth is created by the removal of the old The hair flowed in sure, understandable outlines and remained human hair node of these transformations, the artist indicated only hastily, but with pride, that everything on these sheets had significance and that even the accidental was necessary because its effect influenced everything that followed Thus, alongside one head a narrow, pale coffee stain extended alth of the picture, it was part of the whole, so intended, and not to be ree to all the proportions There was in the left corner of another sheet a thinly stippled, scarcely noticeable, large blue stain; this stain had even been placed there intentionally, for the sake of the slight illumination that passed from it across the picture, and which the artist had taken advantage of when he continued his work His next objective was now chiefly the h, had already been done, and then he intended to transform the nose too In response to Max's coraph would move farther and farther away from the beautiful color sketch, he observed that it wasn't at all iain approach it