Volume I Part 17 (2/2)
Duty calls are necessary after formal luncheons or breakfasts, and after musicales, theater parties, opera parties, garden parties, and after attending a christening. Such a call should be made within the two weeks following the event.
Other obligatory calls are made both before and after a funeral. The first call is merely a matter of card-leaving, unless one is an intimate friend of the bereaved family. After the funeral a call of condolence should be made.
A hostess who follows the laws of good society to the letter, invariably calls on a new acquaintance before offering her any hospitality, or before issuing any invitations to her. Other calls that are a matter of obligation are those of inquiry regarding a friend's health, of congratulation to parents on the birth of a child, and of congratulation to the young lady who has announced her engagement. All these calls are social necessities, and the man or woman who is well-bred never neglects them.
ABOUT RETURNING CALLS
It is of the utmost importance that calls be promptly returned. But perhaps the most exacting of all is the first call. To neglect to return it within two weeks, or three at the most, or to explain by letter why it cannot be returned, is to indicate tacitly that the caller's friends.h.i.+p is not desired. This, of course, is an extremely rude and inconsiderate method to choose, if one really does not desire to cultivate a certain friends.h.i.+p, for there are many gracious and less unkind means to employ.
A bride, or a visitor in a neighborhood, or a newcomer to a town, should not let more than ten days, or at the most two weeks, elapse before returning the civilities of their new neighbors. The first call of a new acquaintance should be just as promptly returned. After the first call is returned, it depends upon the individuals concerned whether a friends.h.i.+p shall be developed, or whether a ”calling acquaintance” shall be kept up. (The expression ”calling acquaintance”
is used to indicate the custom of ladies calling upon each other once or twice during the year as a social duty, rather than as a means of developing friends.h.i.+p.)
When calls are exchanged only once in twelve months it is an indication that only a purely formal acquaintance exists between two people. But when two women are friends, they may exchange calls at intervals of three weeks or a month, and sometimes very dear friends exchange calls every week. However, in this latter case the calls are more or less informal.
Calls of condolence, sympathy, inquiry and congratulation are usually answered by sending cards or brief notes to the callers. Later, on issuing from mourning, or on recovery of health, the calls of condolence and inquiry may be returned, but it is not entirely necessary, and depends largely upon the convenience and individual desire of the person on whom the call was made.
When a hostess is asked to invite the friends of her friends to a reception at her home, she is not obligated to return their ”calls of duty.” Nor does a woman return any of the calls, formal or informal, of her gentlemen acquaintances. When one woman receives a call from another woman who bears a letter of introduction, a return call must be made promptly, or a letter of explanation written within two weeks after the day of the first call. The same rule is observed between men.
THE CALL OF CONDOLENCE
It should be remembered that no hasty intrusions should ever be made upon grief. It shows lack of good taste and extreme inconsideration.
Only intimate friends of a bereaved family, or of one member of that family, call for any length of time. Others merely leave their cards with cordial inquiries regarding the health and spirits of the members of the family.
They may forward a box of flowers, including their personal card in the box, instead of calling to leave a card in person. But when the formal call of condolence is made, ten days or two weeks after the funeral, the intimate friends of the family should be careful to avoid all subjects that would cause pain to the bereaved ones. They should not, unless gifted with rare tact, make any reference to the death but should rather speak of cheerful things. However, it may be necessary to give some word of sympathy either upon greeting or departure. A tactful way to greet a sorrowing person is to say simply, ”I have called to a.s.sure you of my sympathy.” The subject should then be dropped and other matters discussed.
On departure a word of cheer and sympathy, and a hearty warm hand-clasp go a long way towards helping matters.
Calls of condolence should be brief. It is poor form to remain longer than fifteen minutes, unless one is a particularly intimate friend and able to relieve the intensity of grief by his or her presence. If the person called upon feels the loss so poignantly that he or she cannot be composed, it is far better to leave a cordial note at the door asking to be excused from all callers, than to greet them and cause embarra.s.sment by a display of emotion. Persons in affliction often prefer to be alone, and the intrusion of anyone except their very dearest friends causes fresh grief.
THE CALL OF CONGRATULATION AND INQUIRY
Calls of congratulation are warranted only by intimacy or by friends.h.i.+p of long standing. After the birth of a child, feminine friends of the mother incur the duty of calling upon her and leaving inquiries about her own and her child's health, along with the customary congratulations. Friends of the young lady who announces her engagement are expected to call and offer congratulations. This call is usually made between ten days and two weeks after the announcement is received.
Married women who are friends of the young woman's mother also call to make their congratulations.
Calls of inquiry are made during the illness or convalescence of a friend or acquaintance. Sometimes these calls are made after a fire or accident, or after some several financial loss or other disaster.
Extreme tact is needed in paying such calls. The call itself a.s.sumes no greater proportions than that merely of doorstep card-leaving, yet it is an expression of genuine sympathy and a desire to show that friends.h.i.+p will be continued no matter what happens. The chapter devoted to visiting cards contains several model cards of inquiry that can be used on the various occasions mentioned.
THE SOCIAL CALLS OF MEN
Gentlemen of good society usually devote Sunday afternoons and evenings to their formal visits. Weekday evenings are also often given over to the same purpose. The gentleman who calls upon a lady shows good taste and consideration by selecting her day at home.
A man is expected to make calls of condolence, inquiry and congratulation upon all his intimate friends, men and women. He is also expected to pay a call promptly upon a hostess who has entertained him either at dinner or a dance. However, he may not call again unless he is invited to do so by the hostess. A bachelor residing in a new neighborhood is expected to return all first calls made upon him, but he has the privilege of requesting a sister or woman relative living with him to make the return call in his name.
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