Part 5 (1/2)
Lovingly, ----
TERRE HAUTE, IND, Feb 22, 1878
DEAR BENSON--You have done o I heard you lecture on Temperance in Lafayette Then I was a poor outcast drunkard; you saved me I am now a sober man and a Christian ----
I could furnish thousands of such testimonials as the above, but deem these sufficient to convince any honest person that my toil is not in vain
Fro extract:
”Luther Benson, the gifted inebriate orator, is still struggling against the de drink He spoke at Jeffersonville recently, and in the rined and disheartened at his repeated failures at reform, that he took his seat and burst into a flood of tears He has since connected hiion May his new resolves and associations strengthen hi the tombs, the demons of appetite have taken full possession of his soul, and riot in every vein and fiber of his being It is a fearful thraldootten through a life of dissipation and debauchery The strongest resolves at reform are broken as ropes of sand All thepassion--drink, drink, drink! But still his repeated resolves and heroic efforts betoken a greatness of soul rarely witnessed May he yet live to see the devils that so sorely beset hi furiously down a steep place into the sea, and sink forever from his annoyance But when they do co a herd of heedless swine for their coursers to the deep, may they ride, booted and spurred, every saloon-keeper who has contributed to e of despair, and to the brink of hell's yawning abyss”
Icriticis the reader can determine in what estimation to holdbeyond escape from my thraldom, and that peace which is the sure accoht that my readers were of the opinion held by some of ood, I could quote from numberless private letters received froood results which have crowned my humble efforts--in which I am told of very many instances where my words of entreaty and self-hu back from the darkness and death of intemperance, fathers, husbands, sons, and brothers ere on the road to destruction I have letters fro the blessings of heaven upon me for the peace and happiness thus restored to theiving them back their fathers, and I thank God from the depths of my torn and desolate heart that I have been the huood in these cases In my darkest hours, when I feel that all is lost, when hope seems to soar away from me to the far-off heavens from which she first descended to this world, these letters, which I often read, and over which I have so often wept grateful tears, give le before me My ood to coave me, and which I have so sadly wasted I have avoidedthe names of the many dear friends who have not forsaken me in this last extremity As I write, name after name, dear tothees, but to mention a feould be manifestly unjust to the remainder, and it is out of my power to print all of them in the space which could be afforded in this small book But I wish to assure every ement, or even a kind look, that they are not and never will be forgotten Whatever my future fate may be, you did your duty, and God will bless you Your naain--Overwork--Shattered nerves--Doard to hell--Conceive the idea of traveling with some one--Leave Indianapolis on a third tour east in coo on to New York alone--Trading clothes for whisky--Delirious wanderings--Jersey City--In the calaboose--Deathly sick--An insane neighbor--Another--In court--”John Dalton”--”Here! your honor”--Discharged--Boston--Drunk--At the residence of Junius Brutus Booth--Lecturing again--Home--Converted--Go to Boston--Attend the Moody and Sankey s--Get drunk--Home once more--Committed to the asylum--Reflections--The shadohich whispered--”Go away!”
I returned home from this second tour in the Eastern States in April, 1876, with shattered nerves and weary brain, but instead of resting, I went on lecturing until er hold out, and then it was, after nearly two years of sobriety, that I once more fell For weeks before this disaster overtook me, I was actually an irresponsible maniac My pulse was never lower than one hundred to the minute, and much of the time it ran up to one hundred and twenty I was so weak that with all y aroused I could only ing for so to drink preyed upon me I was not content to re somewhere all the ti my existence for weeks, until at last, driven to a frenzy, reason fled, and I plunged headlong into the horrors of another debauch My doard course appeared to be accelerated by the very struggles which I hadthe past two years The moment I recovered froed me into the very depths of hell I now conceived the idea of getting so that by this looain I did the very thing I should not have done--I lectured
On the 30th of September, 1876, I started from Indianapolis, in co tour East I was drunk e started, and re the journey At Buffalo, New York, we got separated, thence I went to New York city alone, where I continued drinking until I had no money I then commenced to pawn my clothes--first, my vest; second, a pair of new boots, worth fourteen dollars; I got a quart of whisky, an old and worn-out pair of shoes, and ten cents in money, for my boots I drank up the whisky, and traded off my overcoat It orth sixty dollars I realized about five cents on the dollar, and all the horrors of all hells ever heard of, for I was attacked with the deliriuot across the river, into Jersey City, and was there arrested and lodged in the calaboose, in which I re Monday I suffered ht hours embraced in that tith of ti dark on that Saturday evening, when I got deathly sick, and co until Monday
Nothing that I sould re the authorities, the police officers, put a large nu drunk, in the rooht there were fourteen of us in a small, poorly-ventilated, dirty room Planks extended around the rooet a place lay down A the number of ”drunks” ihs of Jersey City, and these inhuman wretches, in the absence of the police, threatened; to takeours aand screaht until Monday In the roo ours, was an insane woman, ore she had two souls, one of which was in hell! She, too, kept up an incessant, piteous wailing, begging so back her lost soul! Indianapolis is more civilized than Jersey City in respect to her prisons, but not with respect to her police And I aed by its present superintendent, the unfortunate insane are in no other State cared for as they are in the Indiana asylu such a noble institution so beggarly as in ours I have visited other asylums, and am now an inmate of this, and I knohereof I speak
The reader s while in the Jersey City calaboose when I tell him that the least noise pierced my brain like a knife I can in fancy and in my drea ere ether to a room, and I saw that there were about fifty persons all told under arrest A the nuuage was more profane and indecent than that of the e say from time to time--”Five dollars”--”Ten dollars”--”Ten days”--”Fifteen days”--and so on I was so weak that I found it almost out of my power to stand up, and as the various sentences were pronounced ony I felt that a sentence of ten days would kill me At this moment ”John Dalton” was called I answered ”Here, your Honor!” for Dalton was the name I had assumed My offense was read--and the officer who arrested me volunteered the statement that I was not disorderly, and that I had not been creating any disturbance I felt called upon to pleadfor his peran to speak It was life or death with me, and for ten minutes I spoke as I never spoke before and have never spoken since I pierced through his judicial ar talked to death influenced hienerous advice to leave the city Either way I was free, and was not long in getting across the river into New York, where I succeeded in finding General Macauley who saw that ed in a respectable ht we started for Boston, and arrived there on Tuesday ot drunk immediately and remained drunk until Saturday, on which memorable day I went in company with the General to Junius Brutus Booth's residence, at Manchester, Mass, where I staid, well provided for, until I got sober I then began to fill eht I again broke down and caot sober onceuntil in January last, when I again fell I went to Jeffersonville to lecture, and while there becaiven my worn-out body andup before the world a free and happy man But my desire to see and tell every one of the new joy which I had found controlled me, and for six weeks I spoke every day, and often twice a day I started east again and went to Boston I attended the Moody and Sankey s, but was troubled with I know not what All the ti seemed to have possession ofoff e spell ca, the devil hurried an to drink recklessly, and knew nothing more for two or three days Then I awoke, I knew not where Some of my friends found me and sent me home I now sufferedup from any other spree I was ever on I believed firmly that I was saved; that one I felt now that there was no hope for ony unspeakable that followed this debauch! In tih under greater difficulties than ever before I was so harrassed by ain got drunk While on this spree my friends made out the necessary papers, and I was committed to the Indiana Hospital for the Insane Here, then, I am to-day, very near the end of my most wretched and misspent life How can I tell the emotions which swell in ht here June 4th, a victi done for me that can be done, but I feel that my case is hopeless unless help comes from above Ordinarily restraint and proper attention to diet and rest would in tiravated cases of that peculiar insanity which manifests itself in an abnormal and excessive demand for liquor But with me the spell returns after months of sobriety with a force which I am powerless to resist, as the reader has seen in the several instances given in this autobiography The rule of treatment for patients here varies with the different characters of the patients The impressions which I had formed of insane asylums was very different fro the insane There is less screaht there would be, and for most of the time the wards in which the better class of patients are confined are as still and apparently as peaceful as a ho the first week's, or first teeks' confineets that he is in a house for thecases come under my observation, but there are others which excite various feelings of pity, disgust, fear, and horror There is, for instance, a ines that he has murdered all his relations Another believes that he sed and carries within hi mule which compels him to walk on his hands as well as his feet One poor fellow can not be convinced but assassins are hourly trying to stab or shoot hi poisoned, and another wants to disembowel himself Twice a day the wards, which nue of two attendants, one or the other of whom is constantly on duty, are taken out for a walk in the beautiful grounds around the asyluht that the patient will be benefited, and when he is really well but still not in a condition to be discharged, he is allowed the freedorounds After I had been here teeks I was pers are about the sa as inside Even as I write I feel that there is a devil within o away from this place I hisky, and would at this moment barter my soul for a pint of the hellish poison I have now been here a little over a month Like all the other patients, I am kindly treated Our beds are clean, and our food is well prepared, such as it is, and it is really much better than could be expected on the appropriation islature I doubt if there is another institution of the kind in the United States that can be compared with this in the ability, justice, kindness, and noble and unswerving honesty of its entleman whom I have not the honor to know personally, but whose coreat heart, are venerated by all who do know him
This is the fourth day of July, and I have written to my friends to come and take me away--for what purpose I dare not think I am utterly desolate and miserable, and dare not look forward to the future, for I dread to face the uncertain and unknown TO-COME To stay here is worse than o away her than earth would reach forth a hand and savethe kindness and trust of a great institution, nor can I go away, I fear, without bringing disgrace on my friends, and shame and death on myself God of mercy, help me! I kno useless it would be to lock me up in solitary confinement, and I think my attendant physician also feels that I can not be saved by any means within the reach of the asylum With others not insane, but cursed with that insanity for drink which, if not checked, will soon or late lead to the destruction of reason and life itself, there is a chance to restore them from the curse to a life of honor and usefulness, and no means should be left untried whichwho, but for this curse infernal, ustupon the face of the earth Now and then the report of a cannon in the direction of the city recalls what day it is, and I a the streets for the purpose of witnessing the display of holiday fireworks; but vain to me such mimicry A tall and mysterious shadow, raves of the old churchyard to-night, has risen and now stands beside whispering in the stillness--”Go away!”
CHAPTER XV
A sleepless night--Try to write on the following day but fail--My friends consult with the officers of the institution--I as and horrible sufferings-- Alcohol--The tyrant whoained by the use of liquor?--Never touch it in any form--It leads to ruin and death--Better blow your brains out--My condition at present--The end