Part 1 (2/2)

As I have already said, even when a child I found myself sad and much depressed at times I could not bear the society of my companions, and at such times would wander away alone to meditate and brood over my misery At the very threshold of life I was dissatisfied and discontented withfor so--I knew not what, but, O God, I knew the desolation of feeling which was then hter than that My life has always been an active one--restless, uneasy, and full of action, I naturally wanted to be doing so somewhere From the time I was seven years old up to the time I was fifteen there was not a calf or colt on the farhly broken to work or to be ridden In this work or pasti in calves and colts I received sundry kicks, wounds, and bruises quite often, and still upon my person are some of the marks is that the reader may know the character of e more correctly of it when influenced and excited by stianizations I was invariably the last one to go to bed when night came, but not the last to rise, for I always bounded out of bed ahead of the others; and in this connection I can assert with truth that for over twenty years I have not averaged over five hours of sleep out of every twenty-four during that time I have never found in all nature one object or occupation that gave leam of contentment or pleasure That the reader may clearly coe as to my culpability in certain of my acts, I desire that he s of my childhood, for I do solemnly aver thatin those days While I believe that so that can be done for their relief, others there are, no matter how surrounded, who never will be drunkards, but solely because they abstain fro the insidious poison Temperament has much to do with the ainst, I believe that a est predisposition to drink, if steps were taken in time, could be saved from its inevitable end, which is madness and death I would here say to parents that it is their solemn duty to study well the disposition and temperament of their children fro and restraint, all wrong iht be corrected and the child saved from a life of shameful misery, while they would themselves escape the sorrohich would co of the child While no person is particularly to blame for my misspent life, yet I can clearly see to-day how its worse than wasted years ht have been planted with actions theinstead of a remorse

I have no recollection of a time when I had not an appetite for liquor My parents and friends of course knew that if it was taken in excess it would lead to destruction, but in our quiet neighborhood, where little was known of its excesses, no one dreamed of the fearful curse which slumbered in it for me to awake Had they had the least dread, fear, or anticipation of it they would have left nothing undone that being done ht have saved me My appetite for it was born with me, and was as much a part of myself as the air I breathed There are three kinds of inheritances, soreat talents, and others of misfortunes For myself this misfortune was my inheritance It came not to me directly from my father orfor enerations, and the randparents reappeared in , with terrible truth, the words of the divine book It has been gathering strength until when it broke forth its force has beco power, devouring and sweeping ahatever dares to arrest its onward progress Never, never, in those long gone and innocent years of my childhood did my father or mother dream that I, their much-loved child, would ever becoood, manly, noble or true, that is a part of me, I am indebted to them for it

They loved me, and I worshi+ped them The consciousness that I have caused them to suffer so much has been the keenest sorrow of my life My mother (blessed be the naht went out fronant than any known before piercedstill, and I verily believe there is not a son on earth who more truly and devotedly honors and loves his father than I mine But I desire to show that I am not wholly responsible for my present unhappy condition It is natural for every man to wish to excuse, or at least try to soften the lines of his ht so long as the truth is adhered to, and injustice is not done any one I hope no one will think that I have willfully trod the road to ruin, or sunk myself so lohen I have desired the opposite with my whole heart I was a victim of the fell spirit of alcohol before I realized it I was raised in a place where opportunities to drink were numerous, as everybody in those days kept liquor, and to drink was not the dangerous and disgraceful thing it's now considered to be For a radius often miles from our house more people kept whisky in their cupboards or cellars than ithout it I never heard a tee, and but seldoer was gathering in the land--a danger which is non and seen, and which is so vast in its th of all who love peace, order, sobriety and happiness, is scarcely sufficient to meet it in victorious co ave whisky to ave it or not, I wanted it So, but neither of the would I speak unkindly, nor call up in the ht excite a pang; but I would ask any such just to go back ten, fifteen, and twenty years, and tell me where, are some of the wealthy, influential -sheet! How ency of whisky? And ho suspected that slowly but surely they were poisoning the wellsprings of life? How ht yet be in possession of unincumbered farms, the possessors of peaceful homes, but for that thief accursed--Liquor! Look, too, at some of the sons of these men, and say what you see, for you behold lives wrecked and wretched Need I tell you what has wrought all this ruin? Need I say that intemperance is at the bottom of it?

The country where I lived in youth and boyhood was equal, if not superior, to any surrounding it My father's neighbors were all kind-hearted, generous people, and soood Christians, and yet I repeat that twenty years ago there was not a place of aIn every little town and village whisky was kept in public and private houses There was, and yet is, neareach some twenty or thirty houses, and both of these places have been cursed with saloons in which liquor has been sold for the last thirty years Both of these toere favorite resorts with h I have been drunk oftener and longer at a tih than in any one place in Indiana I have written thus of s, that the reader may know the teainst any place or people The country in hborhood is peopled at this time with noble enerosity, and unpretending virtue I think if I had been raised where liquor was unknown, and had been taught in early childhood the ruin which follows drinking--if I had had this irown up a sober and happymy inherited appetite I would have been a soberstep by step the doard road of dissipation I aht such lessons as would forever have turnedand desolation in which they have stumbled so often--in which they have walked so swiftly Instead of dwelling with shadows of realities the ht have now communed with the pure and noble of earth

CHAPTER III

The old log school house--My studies and discontent--My first drink of liquor--The companion of my first debauch--One drink always fatal--A horrible slavery--A horseback ride on Sunday--Raleigh--Return home--”Dead drunk”--My parents' shame and sorrow--My own reuish of my mother--Gradual recovery--Resolves and pro for liquor--The hopelessness of the drunkard's condition--The resistless power of appetite--Possible escape--The courage required--The three laws--Their violation andschool houses were not yet things of the past, and well do I remember the one which stood near the little streaer, from whom I first received instruction The next school I attended was in a log house near where Ammon's mill now stands I attended one or two su relided onward rapidly enough, but I saw and felt differently, it seemed to me, from those around me; but this may be the experience of others, only I think theover me were not as marked in any one else I studied but little, because of , but I kept up with my lessons, and have yet one or two prizes bestowed on reater number of times

I recollect with painful clearness the first drink of liquor that ever passed my lips It has been more than twenty-four years since then, but my memory calls it up as if it were only yesterday, with all the circumstances under which I took it It was in the ti-rolling, and everything that required the cooperation of neighbors, whisky was always e A bottle containing liquor was set in the shadow of so it I crawled under the wagon with a neighbor now living in Raleigh We began drinking from this bottle and did not stop until ere both pitiably drunk The boy who took that first drink with me has since had some experience with the effects of alcohol, but at this tiood battle of sobriety and ive hi drunk When one drop passed my lips I becaht was how to get enough to satisfy the unquenchable thirst To-day if I were to dip the point of a needle into whisky and then touch ue with that needle, I would be unable to resist the burning desire to drink which that infinitesiet drunk if hell burst up out of the earth around me--yes, if I could look down into the flames and see men whose eye-broere burnt off, and whose every hair was a burning, blazing, coiling, hissing snake fro used the deadly liquid And if each of these countless fiery snakes had a tongue of forked fire and could be heard to scream for miles, and I knew that another drop would cause the flesh, yet would I take it O horror of horrors! I would plunge into the flames forever and ever After I once taste I ae I went one Sunday with a neighbor boy several years older than I, riding on horseback The course we took was a favorite one with h, just north of which place I contrived to get a pint or ot it had, of course, no idea that I was going to drink it, especially all of it, but drink it I did, getting so completely under its horrible influence that when I arrived at hoainst the door My father and mother heard me fall and came out and took me into the house, and just as soon as the heat of the fire began to affect one; all feeling was destroyed; all intelligence was obliterated I lay uponnot, indeed, that such a creature ascame at last, and with it I opened h my distracted brain For a little while I knew not where I was or what I had done My head was throbbing, aching, bursting I glanced about me and on either side of my bed my father and mother knelt in prayer! Then did I remember what had befallen ht I would surely die, and, in fact, I wanted to die O, much loved parents--father on earth and mother in heaven--how often since then have I felt anew the shame of that terrible hour--how often have I seen your sacred faces, ith the tears of that trial, co forthe faathered about the breakfast table, but what a shadow rested over all A solemnity of silent sorroas upon us The peace of yesterday had floith ed with the shade of the grave's desolation the clouds which were gathering in our sky O, how often have I prayed that the tiht be in my power to resist the curse; but the past is i to the memory of thatones, I read an anguish in the saintly face of my mother that I had never seen there before My father also bore about with hi which haunted me for years For one day I suffered intensely both orous, and healthy constitution, I was al Of course I resolved and proain taste liquor For some tiht of liquor was revolting to me No one becomes a drunkard in a day or week Alcohol is a subtle poison, and it takes a long time for it to so undermine man's system that he finds life almost intolerable unless stimulated by the hell-broth which must surely destroy hiainst it But forunder the influence of the accursed poison I never drank because I liked the taste of liquor, but because I liked the first effects of it I was never able to tell good liquor or rather pure alcohol--for such a thing as good liquor has never been s

The latter may be more speedy than pure alcohol, but either will destroy with fatal certainty and rapidity I drank, as I have said, for the effects, and in the first years ofmy first e to the brain, and induced a succession of vivid and pleasing thoughts But invariably the depression that folloas in the same ratio down as the former was up, and after a ti, and drank only to satisfy an indescribable passion or craving At first the wine glass otten that within that sparkle and foa eye of the uncoiled adder It is the sparkle of a serpent's skin, the foam of the froth of death Here I must confess that for the past five or six years I have not been able to attain one lass that I have touched has proven to be the Dead Sea's fruit of ashes to my lips I drank wildly, insanely, and becaether to all which was about ht to drown, but now intensified a thousand fold No man ever buried sorrow in drunkenness

He can not bury it that way any ene Aram could bury the body of his victim with the weeds of the morass Whoever seeks solace in whisky will curse the hour which saw him commit a mistake so fatal Woe to hilass He will see instead the ghastly face of murdered hope, the distorted vision of a wasted life, his own bloated corpse The habit of drink after a time becomes more than a mere habit; the system comes to demand and crave liquor, it permeates and affects every part of the body until every function refuses to perform its part until it has been aroused to action by its accustomed stimulant

The most hopeless and wretched slave on earth is he who has bound himself with the fetters of alcohol, and it is a sad and la thousands very few ever escape froe of an appetite for intoxicating drink There is only one here and there of all the hosts that are enchained and cursed who succeeds in breaking the bonds which bind body, soul and spirit So far as the prospect of success is concerned in winning o to the brazen-faced and foul-o to the forger, who for long years has been using satanic cunning to defraud his fellow-o to the alloith red hands dripping with the blood of innocence; but send me not to the lost hu and burning with the flames of hell And why? Because his will is enthralled in the direst bondage conceivable--his manhood is in the dust, and a de the fiery steeds of passion to maniacal madness No possible ed upon his of his appetite Wife, children, home, relatives, reputation, honor, and the hope and prospect of heaven itself, all flee before this fell destroyer The sufferings and agonies untold of one huh to h I have no desire to discourage those who have this habit fastened on them I would not say to them: You can not break away frothen every such person in any attee is required to e than has ever been exhibited on the field of battle, alealitter of bayonet But rather than die the drunkard's death, and go to the drunkard's eternal dooht It were better, ten thousand times, that every such one should do as I have done--voluntarily go to an asylum and be restrained until he so far recovers that he can of his oill resist teer than our own--God! He will help every unfortunate one that goes to him in sincerity and humbly implores the divine aid

I desire here to make a statement in justice to myself There are three laws, the human, the natural and the divine You e, if he sees fit, may pardon your offense If you violate the divine law, God has prepared a way of escape, and promises pardon on conditions within the reach of all, but for a violation of that which I call natural law, there is no forgiveness The penalty for every such violation must be, and is, fully paid every time, and while natural laws are as much a part of God's creation as the divine, he would no more set aside a penalty for a violation of one of nature's laws than he would blot out a part of his written word Yet there are recuperative powers and forces in nature that are wonderful, and there is a spiritual strength that helps us to bear, and overcome, and endure every affliction I was made a new creature in Christ Jesus at Jeffersonville, Indiana, on the 21st of last January, and had I then gone to work to recuperate and restore by all natural ain would have tasted liquor; but instead of using the means God had placed about me, in the supreme ecstacy which comes to a redeemed, a new-born soul, I went to work ten times more laboriously than ever, and soon coth My system was drained of every particle of its power to resist the slightest attack of any kind whatsoever, reat enemy, and so, physically and mentally exhausted when I was assailed by the black, foul fiend of alcohol, I fell, and fell a second time I resolved, yea, took an oath the ain be overtaken by a disaster so dire, I would have myself entombed within an asylum for the insane Here at last, I was placed, and here I intend to reth to resist, with God's help, the next and every attack of my enemy

As God is my witness, I had rather remain within these walls and listen to the cries of the worst maniac here, from day to day, until the last hour of raveyard, than ever again go out and drink And now as I close this chapter with a full heart, I go down on race to keep me from that which has wrecked all my life and made it a continued round of sorrow and shame I ask every one who reads this chapter, to pray to God for me with all your heart and soul Oh! , suffering, lonely me

CHAPTER IV

School days at Fairview--My first public outbreak--A schoolmate--Drive to Falmouth--First drink at Falmouth--Disappointment--Drive to Smelser's Mills--Hostetter's Bitters--The author's opinion of patent --More liquor--Difficulty in lighting a cigar--A hound that got in bad co for the awake--The owner of the hound--Sobriety--The Vienna jug--Another debauch--The exhibition--The end of the school tere at Cincinnati--My coht by alcohol--Dr Johnson's declaration concerning the indulgence of this vice--A warning--A dangerous fallacy--Byron's inspiration--Lord Brougham--Sheridan--Sue--Swinburne--Dr Carpenter's opinion--An erroneous idea--Tee of sixteen I started to school at Fairview, then as now, an insignificant but pretty village, some four miles from where my father lived William M Thrasher, at this time Professor of Matheton, near Indianapolis, was the teacher in charge of that school, and it is to hi” that I possess True, I went to college after that, but I ned me While at school at Fairview I iuidedthe first winter of uilty ofman from Connersville ca that his father was chiefly interested in sending hiht that his boy would here be out of temptation He arrived at noon one day, and ere immediately made acquainted with each other, an acquaintance which ripened into friendshi+p on the spot The roads were in good condition for sleighing, and the next ladly accepted ether we drove to Falmouth At Falmouth we each took a drink, and this fired us with a desire for more We drove to a house not far ahere liquor was kept by the barrel, and tried to get some, but failed--for aited and waited to be invited in vain--for no invitation was extended to us Disappointed and half crazy for whisky, we left the house and started on further in pursuit of the curse

After driving about eight miles we halted at a place called Smelser's Mills, where ere supplied with a bottle of Hostetter's Bitters, which we drank without delay, and which was strong enough to make us reasonably drunk, but which, nevertheless, did not come up to our ideas of what liquor should be My experience has been that about the worst and cheapest whisky ever sold is that sold under the name of ”bitters,” and it costs more than the best in the market Excuse the word ”best,” but certain parts of Dante's hell are good by comparison I say to all and every one, shun every drink that intoxicates, and shun nothing quicker than the patent medicines which contain liquor, and while you are about it, shun patent medicines which do not contain liquor The chances are that they contain a deadlier poison called opium At any rate they seldo our bottle of poisonous slop--that is, Hostetter's Bitters--an to boast, and each labored hard to ireatness In order to hly ie quantity we could drink and still be reasonably sober I knew of a place a few miles further on--a place called Hittle's--where I felt sure I could get whisky without an immediate outlay of cash, a consideration of importance since neither I nor my friend had a penny We went to Hittle's, and there I was successful in an atteet a quart of whisky, which we at once proceeded toof our sto, for in a little while ere both very drunk, and I in particular was in the condition best described as howling, crazy drunk We stopped at a house to light our cigars--for of course we both setting out, I reeled into the kitchen and picked up a shovelful of coals, which I lifted so near my mouth that I scorched ed the faint suggestion of a mustache that was visible by the aid of a--a tall, lean,hound--went out to the sleigh, and ot back to my seat it was proposed that the hound should accompany us I have often wondered since if he was not heartily asha seen in our company that day; but we made a martyr of him all the same

We drove off with a succession of whoops and yells, and carried the hound in front Our first halt was at Falmouth, where we ordered oysters The rooe stove whose sides were red with heat made it uncomfortably hot--especially for us ere already in a sultry state I had not sat at the table astruck a hinge of the door, and as my friend was too much overcoe burnt a hole through the leg of my pantaloons and then into the flesh I carry a scar to-day inThe burn was over half an inch in depth God only knohat ht have been the final result had not assistance soon come in the person of the owner of the house He called for help, and as soon as it arrived ere placed in our sleigh, and by a kind of instinct drove to Fairview It was dark by the tiet our horse within the stable and that unfortunate hound into a corn-crib, in which durance he howled so vigorously that the inds which whistled and shrieked around the barn could not be heard for hiht, and I do not think any one within a ht, my friend and myself excepted Ay, we slept--slept as I have so often slept since--a slumber as deep and oblivious as death--a drunken sleep, from which oke to suffer hell's tortures so justlyheart, but by slow degrees did I becoh and done so either very desperate or very foolish, or both At first my mind was so muddled, so beclouded with the fuht I had burned a city

While I was trying to solve the mystery of my course, I was aided by a revelation so sudden that it startledup and fiercely de was He rated us severely--accused us of stealing the animal, and threatened to prosecute us then and there I knee had done In the meantime some one opened the door of the crib and turned out the hound He nized the voice of his , and between theood reason to wish that our a wasto give his of tobacco to hush up the affair, he beca a cigar or two to the plugs, he brightened up and said we ht have the ”darned houn'” any how, if anted hi to part from him without further expense

I don't think, seriously speaking, that I ever suffered s of remorse and fear than I did for one week after this debauch

The remarkable part of it toAll eneral and hounds in particular I resolved never to drink again, and for so this ”spree” there was an exhibition at the school house, and several of the larger boys--ether, and, after a consultation, decided that, in order to make the exhibition a success, there should be a limited amount of whisky secured for our special use We took up a collection, each contributing a few cents, and two of the largest, tallest, and stoutest boys were dispatched to Vienna, a set it A vision of hounds passed beforeout of allons of liquor, and brought it to our general headquarters It retched stuff--the vilest, meanest, rottenest poison that ever went under the naot it had carried it the threeThey got drunk on the way back with it, and one of the and the other boy after hi was not broken, and fortunately the boys were not seriously hurt It was a little after dark when they stu house yard to where aited the, and before ht ere all drunk--some rather moderately drunk, some very drunk, and some dead drunk, as the phrase is I myself was of the nuh to fight, but I never would fight, drunk or sober I do not think I ae, and I really think the fear of hurting others restrained ht wore ao or three of the boys beca, which they concealed in a corn-shock These dragged the rest of us to bed, although one of the party woke up in the wood-box with his head doard and his feet dangling over the top of the box Only those who have been so unfortunate as to be in a similar condition can realize our state of ues, cracked throats, throbbing te sha of the day set apart for the exhibition, an exhibition in which ere to appear before our respected teacher, friends and relatives, besides all the people of the surrounding country Early in the day we co to the sa that so recently had bereft us teot one big drink of the poison and so contrived to get through passably ith ot too , so that they failed utterly and hid behind the curtains, and, taken all in all, we did little or nothing toward the success of the exhibition or to ratified with our parts Soe that day are dead; but others are alive and of those I a in the coils of the serpent of alcohol, though not one of theht have been perh the unlighted years of sha, I think the dreadful vision would have stayed rown darker and more unendurable with every step I kept on th and frequencydebauches, until the end of the school term