Part 27 (1/2)

She paced the room, straightening up bits of my mess. 'When he said I should stay, this time I didn't even try and argue with him. I just sat down and let him go. Why am I here? I ought to be with him.'

Bob said, 'He knew what he was doing when he told us to stay.'

Peri didn't hear him. 'I want to be here. No, that's not right.' Something was dawning in her face. 'I don't want to be here. This is all wrong. I want to be wherever the Doctor is.

Wherever he goes.'

'You know something?' said Bob. 'I don't don't want to be wherever he is right now.' He hunched his shoulders in shame. want to be wherever he is right now.' He hunched his shoulders in shame.

'That sounds terrible.'

'Be fair on yourself,' said Peri. 'There are some things the Doctor can do that we just can't.' Bob gave her a pointed look.

Peri flopped down on the sofa. 'He still needs somebody to look after him. He doesn't have anybody anybody. No family.

Sometimes we visit friends of his, but we never stay long. But I like like him. And he likes me, and... I don't know. I just ought to be there.' him. And he likes me, and... I don't know. I just ought to be there.'

'I don't get it,' said Bob. 'You two fight all the time. Why do you even want to stay together?'

Peri's voice grew small. 'There was a time when he got realty, really sick, and I had no idea what to do. I should have made him get help, but I just panicked. I guess in a way I'm still making that up to him.'

Bob said, 'Look at it this way. Look at it this way. If something does happen, you're safe here. You can stay. We'll call your folks.'

Peri gave him the look of death. Bob wilted, not sure what he'd said wrong. But he was right: she had not found herself stranded on a mountainside in a blizzard, or moneyless in a many-tongued city. If the Doctor didn't come back, the decision about whether or not to leave him had been taken away from her.

I sat in my bedroom next to two full suitcases, smoking and waiting. Waiting and smoking. There was half a sock hanging out of one of the cases. I flipped open the lid, stuffed it back inside, and slammed it shut again.

There was a bunch of stuff in the apartment. I'd give Trina a call, ask her to s.h.i.+p a few things to me wherever I ended up.

She could have the rest, or give it to charity, or just let the landlord throw it all out, I didn't care. I had everything I needed in those two suitcases.

Hmm Maybe Trinst wasn't a good idea. I'd call Sally instead.

Peri, pacing the apartment, came in to see what I was doing. I snuck a peek at myself in the full-length mirror behind the door and combed my fingers through my hair. Now I looked das.h.i.+ng instead of just rumpled. Not that it mattered any more. 'I'm sorry you lost your job,' she said.

'Oh, I haven't lost it, exactly' I said. 'If I talk to my editor, I can work this out. He's not real broadminded, but we get on well and he likes my work.'

'Well, that's good.'

'Except that he'll tell everyone in the whole office.' I stabbed the cigarette out viciously in the ashtray. 'He doesn't like secrets. He doesn't think it's fair to keep secrets. When he found out some guy in the mail room was a f.a.ggot, he made sure everyone from the janitor to the publisher knew about it.'

'That's really mean' Peri said.

'I guess it saves him the trouble of having to fire people.' I said. 'I can't stand the thought of a lot of self-appointed experts trying to tell me I'm just a frustrated lesbian. Don't you worry about me, young miss. I'm going to write a book about all of this. It's about time I got my Pulitzer.'

'We were really worried about you,' Peri said. 'After you called from the diner. The Doctor said he wasn't sure if you'd be coming back.'

'That's sweet,' I said. (What she was actually saying was she still thought I was OK. ) 'It was b.l.o.o.d.y creepy. Even as I was walking out of there, I was wondering if Swan had somehow given me a command command to walk out. You know, I gave the waitress back the hundred bucks on my way out the door.' to walk out. You know, I gave the waitress back the hundred bucks on my way out the door.'

Peri gave me a pleased smile. 'Yeah, but was it really my idea? Or did Swan make Luis make me?' I took a long drag on a fresh cigarette and offered it to her, but she shook her head.

'Even now I feel hollow. There's no way to know if I'm me, or just acting like a robot.'

Peri said, 'Robots wouldn't but if you had been affected, we'd know. You'd have that faraway look. All that confusion.'

'How do I even know we're having this conversation?' I blew out a cloud. 'I'll go nuts just wondering about it. I'm sure you're right.'

'Chick,' said Peri. 'Can I talk to you about, you know?'

I half wanted her to get out of there and half wanted to keep looking cool about the whole thing. 'Sure,' I said, fumbling for another smoke.

Peri gathered up her courage and said, 'When did you, uh, decide?'

'Found out for sure when I was fifteen,' I said. 'But I always knew My mom and dad had been raising me wrong all those years.'

'But you, uh, you've got a girl's body, haven't you?'

'I'm a girl the same way you're a blonde,' I said. 'Only on the outside. Inside I have an X and a Y chromosome, same as any guy. But something went wrong, so my body doesn't respond to male hormones the way it should. My parents spent a cmall fortune on the tests, and then they wouldn't accept the results. They had brought me up as a girl.'

'You could have kept on being a girl,' said Peri.

'Yeah, but I'm not not,' I snapped. 'Never was.' Now I'd hurt her feelings. I blew out a long cloud of smoke. 'What makes you a girl?' I asked.

Peri had to think about that one. The question isn't as simple as it sounds. 'I can have babies,' she said at last.

'I can't,' I said. 'No womb.'

'Oh... I guess I see. You know, it's funny. I'm sort of surrounded. The Doctor also ' she stopped short, colour jumping into her cheeks. 'Uh, never mind.'

'It's OK. You can tell me,' I said. I am a very wicked fellow; we were still on the record, until she told me that we weren't.

But Peri just shook her head, scrabbling around for a change of subject. 'What about your girlfriends?' she blurted.

'What about 'em?'

'Well, do they know?'

'I've never had any complaints.' She stared. I gave her my best dirty grin and took a long, slow drag on that ciggie.

'Uh,' said Peri.