Part 8 (1/2)

'Ru...' I stuttered.

'That's right. Roo. You were choking at the winery.'

Way to make a first impression, said my head.

'This is Ruby Stanhope,' said Luke. 'She's a possible financial policy advisor who I was due to talk with today: a former investment banker-'

'So, Roo, do you have a razor?' asked Max.

'Yes,' I said, 'and cream.'

'Thank the good Lord for Roo.'

'Wait until you see it before you thank me.' I offered up a purple glittery razor complete with Almighty Avocado sample-sized shaving cream.

He seized it. 'What the f.u.c.k is an almighty avocado?' he asked, quite reasonably.

'I'm not sure,' I said. 'It came free with a magazine. I presume it's better than a normal avocado. More... almighty.'

That clears things up.

He held the sparkly razor up to the fluorescent light. 'My daughter has a skipping rope like this. Anyone else have a razor? Or cream?'

People shook their heads.

'What, no Legendary Lettuce or Captivating Cuc.u.mber in the room?'

'How about Ravis.h.i.+ng Radish?' said Luke.

I alone laughed.

'Well,' Max said, 'it looks like I'm going to smell like an almighty avocado for the most important f.u.c.king press conference of my life, but thanks to Roo here at least I won't be stubbly.' He retreated to his office.

Everybody resumed their calls. Beryl gave me the thumbs up. I added 'buy replacement razor' to my To Do list, 'and cream.'

In came a pet.i.te, luggage-laden lady with an angular face and long dark hair. 'Where's Max?' she asked, as only a spouse could, dumping her bags on the floor.

Luke rushed over to her. 'Fine-tuning his speech. Make-up in fifteen. You'll both go in for the presser.'

'Fine,' she said. 'Abigail has a band concert this afternoon and she's flute solo so she couldn't come. I've asked Sally's mum if she can pick them up. She'll spend the night there.'

'There'll be plenty of time for pics later,' said Luke. 'We've got thirty-three days of this.'

She nodded, vanis.h.i.+ng into the room with the oak doors. Luke followed her, texting furiously.

The mood was sombre, which was interesting given the huge opportunity the Opposition had just been presented with; but what did I know?

Then two broad-shouldered men marched into the room, removing their Oakleys. Beryl was answering other people's mobiles; red-stilettoed redhead was lying on the floor in the hallway attached to a phone charger; and an older man appeared to be fighting with a photocopier in the corner.

'I'm Charlie Flack, from the Australian Federal Police,' said one of the Robocops, brandis.h.i.+ng his badge. 'Where is Mr Masters?'

No one looked up.

'I'm sorry,' I said, 'they're all a bit busy at the moment. Is there something you need?'

'The parliament has been dissolved and we're now officially in an election campaign. As such, Mr Masters is the alternative prime minister and requires immediate protection. I need to brief him and Mrs Masters immediately.'

'Right. Can I get you a cup of tea?'

'Ma'am, I realise you're all busy, but I need to see either Mr Harley or Mr Masters.'

'Wait here, please.' I took a deep breath, approached the double doors and knocked.

'Yep.'

'Luke,' I yelled, 'it's Ruby.'

Go in, you idiot, said my head.

'Come in,' he said.

Max and his wife were sitting on a sofa drinking tea. They looked up at me inquisitively.

Luke came to the door. 'What is it, Ruby?'

'I'm sorry to interrupt. There are two gentlemen here who say it's their job to provide security to Max. Apparently they need a word with you rather urgently.'

'Security?' asked Max.

'I don't think we've met,' said Sh.e.l.ly, standing to greet me.

'Sh.e.l.ly,' said Luke, 'this is Ruby Stanhope, our new financial policy advisor.'

No she's not, said my head.

'Ruby, this is Sh.e.l.ly Masters.'

'Pleased to meet you,' I said, extending my hand and suppressing the urge to curtsey.

She shook it and then returned to sit beside her husband. 'Something over here smells like-'

'Almighty Avocado,' Max finished her sentence.

'Smells better than I thought it would, actually,' I said.

'I was going to say salad,' said Sh.e.l.ly, closing her eyes and taking another whiff.