Part 21 (1/2)

She slanted him an amused glance. ”Did you know that Gideon went out and found me a stuffed toy from that old movie Gremlins Gremlins?” She'd put it on her night table. Sometimes, when he got up to get a shower or otherwise had to leave her, she'd wake to find he'd placed the plush creature in her arms, like a protective totem.

”It doesn't surprise me.” He sat down on a stool, his slacks pulling attractively at a length of thigh as he braced a hand on it and leaned forward, studying the slide of her blood. He'd also taken some saliva and a skin swab. His forehead creased, but the firm line of his mouth was approval.

”Good. The serum is helping, isn't it?”

”Yes, it has been. You're right-it's only extreme stress that knocks it off-kilter. And Daegan and Gideon both think I need to figure out ways to release stress, rather than trying to block it.”

”Wise idea. But I'll keep working with the injection serums to see if I can't help with it as well.”

For the first time, Anwyn was calm enough to notice something amiss. ”Where's Debra?”

”In the hallway.” Brian straightened, made a few notes on a small laptop at his elbow. ”With vampire hearing being so acute, I wanted to ensure you could speak freely. She'll warn us if there's anyone lurking about.”

”Hmm.” Anwyn studied him. ”I'm surprised you had this injection ready.”

He shrugged. ”I told you I'd keep working on it, refining it. It's unfortunate that you had a seizure here, but it may become a blessing. Vampire events like these will be far less stressful if you don't have to worry about concealing your seizures to protect yourself. In my report, I intend to suggest, with a great deal of truth, that your unique situation could hold answers to other medical challenges we face.” He gave her a direct look. ”My opinion does not carry much weight on many things, but it does on the science. It may make them far more tolerant of your existence, and once you're out of sight, safely under Daegan's care, you'll be mostly forgotten as they pursue higher-priority objectives.”

She drew deep breaths as she felt the injection work with those rattled nerves, the snarling whispers in her head. Brian's warmth and rea.s.surance were a G.o.dsend, but also puzzling. She wasn't the cynic that Gideon or Daegan could be, but Brian was an ambitious, eighty-year-old vampire. And she was too protective of Gideon and Daegan to keep from asking.

”You've helped us so much, so please don't be offended, but I can't imagine your favor to Lyssa extends to you risking your backing by the Council.”

”You'd be surprised,” Brian said dryly. ”Plus, the favor is a two-way street. There's no harm in having the friends.h.i.+p of the Queen of the Far East Clan and her mate. Or that of a vampire a.s.sa.s.sin.” He gave her a look that came the closest she'd seen to mischief, somber in tone though it was. ”The second-most powerful vampire, Lord Mason, also owes me a significant favor. Having that triumvirate-Daegan, Lyssa and Mason-interested in my well-being can only be a good thing, if my work here runs afoul of the Council. I do support their governance, but I'm not blind to their weaknesses, or how they could hurt my species.”

At her look, Brian inclined his head. ”Many scientists will lie to you, Anwyn. Tell you that science isn't political. The truth is that vampires and humans both are intensely political by nature. Politics is the concern with the balance of power, and there is no living creature that can claim exemption from that, because those interactions and relations.h.i.+ps are how we survive. Much of science, ironically, has been about denying our connection to Nature and how important it is to stay balanced with it, but I won't block myself from any possibilities. That's because I have one objective. To help my species survive.”

She'd been told that eighty years was young to vampires, but seeing the sudden intensity in Brian's gaze, she thought that he might be maturing at an accelerated rate. With his intriguing mix of distracted professor and Machiavellian awareness of his actions and the actions of those around him, she suspected far more tangled issues than medical cures were being worked upon in Brian's agile brain. Because he was a vampire, she knew that could be highly amoral ground. He would bear watching. At the moment, he was a friend, but she was a close observer herself, and the way Daegan interacted with all vampires, even one like Brian, whom he claimed to trust, told her there was an unpredictability to them that shouldn't be underestimated.

It was as if the entire world she inhabited had become like her most volatile dungeon sessions, where the senses had to be on high alert, always ready for anything.

”There are so few of us, Anwyn,” Brian continued, more quietly. ”While it may not seem that way, that's because you're part of our world now. We're cloistered together because we're so interdependent. But at last count, there are no more than five thousand vampires in the world. That is why, as feudal and barbaric as it may seem, the Council built the Region and overlord system to keep everyone working closely together, something not entirely easy for those of a predatory nature. We're more like cheetahs, who hunt and live alone, than wolf packs. Lady Lyssa had a remarkable, chilling ability to understand what structure would ensure our survival and progress. She allowed room for both compa.s.sion and cruelty, the art of war as well as the art of velvet-over-steel diplomacy.

”To keep my eye on that ball, I must stay clear of the politics. Which, ironically, means I must stay very cognizant of where all the interweaving threads are. It's like negotiating a laser beam security system around a large diamond.”

”So it's like that adage, isn't it? The best person to lead is the one who doesn't want to be the leader.” She gave him the teasing prod without a smile, but he shook his head.

”A true leader does want to lead, because he or she believes the goal is important. The more appropriate adage is that a person takes a leaders.h.i.+p role, not because he or she wants to be important, but because the job itself is important.”

She sighed, put her head down into her hands, drew another deep, shuddering breath. ”I don't think I've ever done anything that horrible . . . or astounding, in all my life. And Gideon . . . I don't know what to say to him. I'm learning how to be a Mistress in this world, and though Daegan said I'm uniquely suited to it, this is different.”

”Hmm.” Brian cut and transferred several lines of powder into a waiting beaker. ”You know, I remember having a conversation with Gideon one of the times you were unconscious, after a seizure. I told him I wasn't concerned about how he would handle helping you within the boundaries of your apartment. I was worried how he would handle the vampire world. He told me, in that charmingly brusque manner of his, that you'd get another servant for that. That he was just here to patch you through your transition.” Brian gave her a sidelong glance. ”He also informed me he didn't give a s.h.i.+t about my rule spouting on 'letting a servant go.' He said that Daegan, or I, or even one of the Council, could kill him-or try-but no one was locking him into anything. Do you know what I found interesting about that?”

”What?” She felt the dull pain she always did at that side of Gideon, that stubborn wall he refused to break down. She could get around it in myriad ways to the soul beyond it, but it was always temporary, and the wall held firm, no obvious door or window through it.

”I found it very interesting that he didn't say anything about what would happen if you you wanted to lock him into it.” wanted to lock him into it.”

She lifted her head, met Brian's eyes. ”You think I'd force him to that?”

”I think it would be easier for him to do what he truly wants if you did. I think he will spend the next three hundred years with you, Anwyn, always claiming he'll only hang around 'as long as you need him.' A caught bird who just needs the illusion of the open door.”

”That may be true,” she said. ”But if he does that, he'll never know the pleasure and happiness of true surrender. He'll never get past his wounds and heal.” She pressed her lips together. ”And, selfishly, I'm not that kind of Mistress. I won't be able to tolerate him standing, straddling a threshold, for much longer. I've never wanted a male to surrender to me the way I want him to do it. He'll do it in temporary fits and starts, but it's not the same as him stepping all the way across. We both know it.

”My need for his total surrender may be the vampire blood, or the way I've always been, just waiting for the right guy. In that case, his timing sucks or is a great coincidence.” A tight smile touched her lips. ”Regardless, soon I'll want all or nothing, and I think he knows that. We had one night, one session, before this all happened. He's seen the Mistress in me come forward in various ways since then, but his responses have been buffered by a different perception.”

”He rationalizes his responses as helping you cope, rescuing the damsel, not truly surrendering as your servant.”

She c.o.c.ked a brow at him. ”You're a little scary, you know that?”

When Brian had been staying with her, she'd occasionally been able to surprise a rare smile out of him, one that was uncalculated and genuine. He was attractive, as all vampires were, but the curving of his lips emphasized his unique, handsome appeal, and gave her a glimpse of the younger, less regimented side of Brian. One that she saw sometimes in his interactions with his servant and probably explained why Debra was more attached to him than the girl thought was wise for her heart. Brian wasn't the only observant one.

His usual serious mien settled back in place. ”Your ultimatum, whenever you feel it's appropriate to deliver it, may be what he needs. That's more your area of expertise than his. However, as far as your discomfort with what occurred tonight, I can tell you that whenever it involves your well-being, there is nothing he will not do for you.

”During our month together, he did a wide variety of things I never expected to see a hard-core vampire hunter do, particularly this man. I admit it was all I could do to keep my eyes from bugging out of my head when I saw him behind your chair tonight. Then there were the things he did to keep you from despairing when I was treating you. Your seizures, the aftermath-you only truly tolerate Gideon's or Daegan's hands upon you. No matter how gentle I tried to be, you'd become so violent at my touch we had to abandon that in favor of getting you restrained as quickly as possible.”

”The problem isn't what he'll do for me. It's what he'll give himself.”

Brian nodded. ”That's my hypothesis as well. Though I'll leave the testing to you.” Giving her a sedate wink, he made another note on his laptop. ”Given the fact you already knew all this, why does tonight disturb you so much?”

”I hope that's a clinical question, because I would think that's obvious,” she responded dryly. ”Yes, he's been everything I need right now. But he's my third-marked servant. I can read everything in his mind, down to his soul. Gideon never wanted to be any vampire's servant. There's far too much water under that bridge. How many vampires has he killed? How much carnage has he seen of those who take their full quota or exceed it? Or even one innocent, annual kill he was too late to save? I think he loves me,” she admitted, aware of Brian lifting his brows. ”Or rather, he loves Anwyn, the residual human woman that lies within this new form. But he can't accept the rest.”

”Do you think he has a choice?”

”As long as I say he does.” She gave a tight smile. ”That's the vampire talking, right? I may give up every other aspect of my humanity, but that was the core of who I was, Brian. Everything I did in those rooms as a Mistress, I knew was consensual. It was what the man who submitted to my touch wanted, even if he couldn't bring himself to say it. I knew that with Gideon, too, the night he came to me. Now I truly have full access to his mind, and I don't have to be guided by instinct alone; I can't fool myself about what he is or isn't. If I give him that ultimatum, and I will, he'll walk.” A tight smile crossed her face. ”No matter what rules you or Daegan 'spouts' about allowing a servant to walk away, I'll let him. And have to hope he'll come back.”

”Hmm.” Lord Brian sat back, crossed his legs. He pushed the laptop aside, instead picking up a steno pad to jot some handwritten notes. Anwyn had noticed that Debra kept a healthy stack of them, because the scientist's mind was constantly figuring some random problem, the way someone else might do crossword puzzles as they mult.i.tasked. He seemed to prefer an organic connection with paper and pencil.

”Did you know one of the most difficult variables in scientific inquiry is subjectivity?” he asked, sketching something out that looked like a chemical formula. ”Many scientists consider it a plague they go out of their way to avoid, such that they actually incorporate it unconsciously. For instance, the fear of anthropomorphizing animal behavior out of sentiment means we often dismiss out of hand the ways species are obviously similar to us in how they feel pain, express emotions and needs, leading to horrific cruelty. When they do things like that, scientists ignore a basic truth. That all life is connected, and there are are similar motivations between many species. Including vampires and humans. similar motivations between many species. Including vampires and humans.

”Your fear of becoming something that takes choices away from him can cloud your judgment. Yes, he wants nothing to do with our world. No, he may not be suitable servant material. But that's only one side of the scale. If his love for you exceeds his aversion of our world, if his ability to accept our world is greater than his ability to give you up, then that changes things for him. I was there in that room tonight. I know you felt what the Council required was horrible. But I also saw a chance for a knight to prove his worthiness to his chosen lady . . . and lord”-his gaze flicked up, quick and intense-”and as such, he embraced it, lost himself in it. That's the sign of a true servant, some of the best ones I've met. Including his brother.”

Anwyn had felt it, seen it, as well, but he was right. She was so afraid of what she was becoming, she couldn't fully accept it as truth. But hearing it from Brian, she knew he was right.

”If he did love you enough to truly become your full servant, despite what you feel inside of him, his feelings toward our world . . .”

She bit her lip. ”No matter his love, I'd know I was destroying his soul a little bit every day.”

”But perhaps his love will protect his soul. Perhaps you would need to trust that. Perhaps you would have to believe in his choice, accept his gift.”

”Ignore what's in his mind.”

”Accept that humans are more than what they seem, at face or thought value.” Lord Brian shrugged. ”Think of behaviors you may have, entirely at odds with what you believe about yourself. Humans only use a small percentage of their brains, and we don't use much more. That means a great deal of it is uncharted territory, and I expect much of that has to do with the true needs of the soul, which they spend a great deal of time denying. One of the things pleasant about vampires is that there are many things we don't deny ourselves. We accept what is rightfully intended to be ours.”

”That's incredibly egotistical.”

”Yet it's incredibly straightforward. We don't waste a lot of time agonizing. And it's amazing how often it works out exactly as it should.” He gave her an absent smile, still looking down at the pad. ”I know you're making faces at me.”

”Can't prove it.”

He chuckled. ”You obviously had siblings.”