Part 7 (2/2)

”Yes,” she said quietly, pus.h.i.+ng aside her shame that he'd heard that thought and hoping he hadn't heard all of it. ”I do. Because it helps me remember how I should behave.”

She realized it was another important role Daegan would play, because she would in fact capitulate to a chastis.e.m.e.nt from him, where she wouldn't from Gideon. Balance of power and all that. G.o.d, their world had become a crazy place, but there was a logic to all of it, as Daegan had implied. It was ironic, because a Mistress was as likely as a vampire to exploit a submissive's aversion to something, particularly if she thought it wasn't revulsion but suppressed desire that turned them away from a certain path.

A part of her was still shaking from Daegan's quick response, but her own wry humor chided her. You said you wanted him to show his emotions more often. You said you wanted him to show his emotions more often.

The vampire heard that, a surprised look crossing his devilishly handsome face, dispelling some of the shadows lingering between them. She was still concerned about him needing blood. Maybe he would go out soon. Of course, Daegan Rei had been taking care of himself for a long time. It was pointless of her to worry over him.

Lifting her hand, she touched Daegan's forearm. Turning her hand over, she ran her knuckles up his arm, to the crook of the elbow. With her other hand, she reached out to Gideon. She noted he stayed a little behind her, using her as a buffer between them. When Daegan's eyes met the hunter's gaze, a faintly amused, taunting look in his expression, Gideon gave him his usual eat-s.h.i.+t-and-die look. The interaction between them helped steady her, made it much easier to regain her footing from these mini-episodes with the two of them working on her in a tag team.

”You haven't said, but from your face, I know we need to go to the Council. They didn't let me off on the validation requirement, did they?” At Daegan's nod, she drew a breath. ”Okay, then. So I guess we need to rea.s.sess. We know I can't rely on my control as a sure thing. Not now, not a month from now. Maybe not ever.”

She was proud the words came out smooth, steady, because inside they felt quarried out of her lower gut with a jackhammer. It might have been easier to say she had terminal cancer. It bolstered her, the way the two of them drew closer, closing ranks. Not rea.s.suring her with empty plat.i.tudes, but making it clear they stood with her.

”We know if I get stressed, it will override the injections. We should figure out a system, practice drills as if we're expecting a fire at any time. That will help give me some confidence when we go to the Council. I can't . . .” She stopped, shook her head. ”Let's move into the bedroom. I'd rather talk in there.”

She led the way, sliding onto Daegan's bed, putting her back against the pillows and folding her legs under her. Letting Gideon keep her as a buffer, despite Daegan's amus.e.m.e.nt, she tugged her servant to a sitting position on the edge of the bed next to her, one leg crooked up to balance himself, while Daegan took his own seat on the opposite side, forming a loose triangle.

”I need to say something, not because you don't know it, can't already see it, but because I need to show you that I understand. I want to take charge of this, as much as possible. Not because I'm a control freak, but because in order for me to go down this path, I'm going to have to be holding the reins, to know that even when I'm out of control, that what's happening is what I've asked to have happen, as much as possible. All right?”

Gideon nodded, and she received a flicker of acknowledgment from Daegan. ”We know there are voices in my head I can't control. We know I now have a vampire's needs and cravings, and apparently the dominance that's so strongly part of being a vampire has been amped up by those markers already existing in me.” She made a face at Gideon's expression. ”Don't make me slap you.”

The grin that crossed his features freed more of the tension in her gut.

”We have two weeks, cher cher,” Daegan put in. ”We can practice, just as you say. Develop keywords, systems for how to react, test different ways of helping you keep control or manage stress. You have two minds at your disposal. You can use both of them to help your own.” He pa.s.sed a hand over her hair, easing the shadow that crossed her heart. ”And remember, Gideon does know how to reach across your mind to mine, when yours is open. I can teach you to protect that conduit for him, so he can use it even when your mind is conscious but out of control. That should work, even if he's not in the same place as you are. He just has to be within a reasonable proximity to you.”

So Gideon could be close, without being in the Council headquarters itself. That was rea.s.suring, since she'd already been dreading the fact that Gideon couldn't be with them. She saw Daegan glance toward Gideon, an unfathomable look, but she'd investigate whatever testosterone-inspired meaning that had later. She had enough to think about right now without delving into Gideon's head or interpreting Daegan.

Daegan had s.h.i.+fted positions, parting the towel to show a lean and powerful thigh. She was already holding Gideon's hand, stroking his fingers, and now she ran her other hand along that expanse, which reinforced their connection, while stirring her nerves in a pleasant way. She needed the calming effect of both reactions, because her stomach was knotting. Daegan's words had reminded her how those shadow voices could make her a prisoner of her mind, helplessly watching from inside, like she had as she beat Gideon to death.

Memories like that, ambushes on who and what she'd been, chipped away at the foundation she was building, allowing those full-blown attacks in. Who was she kidding? It was going to take every ounce of her energy and focus to prepare and then hold it together for the Council visit. Her idea to go out to dinner tomorrow night was a bad one, indicative of how much she needed to work on her judgment. Her, in a restaurant? The things that could happen . . .

She couldn't overlook the fact she'd already be starting with a handicap when she traveled to Council headquarters. She'd have to go without Gideon. But he could stay somewhere nearby, where she could access the steadying influence of his mind, as Daegan had suggested. It wouldn't be the same as his physical presence, but it would be all right.

Yes, it was all going to be fine. She just needed more practice. She pushed aside the tired despair that tried to creep into her mind. Everything for the past month had been about learning to control this, and she longed for just one night of something different, something not these four walls. But she hadn't been trapped here for decades, only for a few weeks. She'd get by. It didn't matter that this transition had felt like decades, each day another ordeal of uncertainty and worry that she might accidentally kill someone.

As often as she'd had the affable desire to choke vendors or the occasionally difficult employee, who could have guessed what a stressor a true homicidal urge would be? Her humor fell flat, though, because it was truly awful, knowing what it felt like, the craving to snap the necks of her friends and coworkers with barely a thought. Inside her mind was a rabid cheering section, wanting her to do just that 24/7.

”Hey.” Gideon put a hand on her bent knee. His concerned look told her that, even if he wasn't reading her mind, he was seeing her thoughts reflected on her face. ”We'll get this worked out. Strategy is the stuff I'm good at. Much better than fixing your hair or helping you dress, like other servants probably do.”

”If you occasionally brushed your own, you might be more aware of how it's done,” Daegan observed. He mirrored Gideon's touch on her opposite knee, closing the circle between them.

”I can do a ponytail,” Gideon defended himself. ”Haven't tried pig-tails, but if you're planning a Catholic schoolgirl fantasy, I'll do my best.”

She closed her hand over his, her other over Daegan's, and lifted them both to press a cheek to either set of male knuckles. ”I'm not sure what I did to deserve the two of you. And yes, I intended that to be interpreted both ways.”

”Ouch,” Gideon said mildly, but she heard Daegan's chuckle. Even though the walls felt closer and darker than ever, she tried to believe that they were right.

But she couldn't help wondering. Had the mythology about vampires and coffins come from the way it felt to be a vampire? Already dead and shut away from the world, long before the grave had ever been dug.

6.

”WE need to take Anwyn out to dinner.” Gideon pushed open Daegan's door with a knee as he thrust his knife into his back holster. ”Before we leave.”

Daegan was standing in front of his closet, dressing. The male was shrugging into a s.h.i.+rt, his jeans still open. ”Oh. Sorry.” Gideon glanced left quickly.

”Teach you to knock, vampire hunter. Do you usually blush in the locker room?”

”p.i.s.s off,” Gideon mumbled.

”You want to look, Gideon. So look.”

Instead, Gideon stared harder at the wall. ”Just put your clothes on, will you? Stop flaunting it.”

An irritating chuckle, but he heard the rustle of the s.h.i.+rt being b.u.t.toned, then zipping and buckling, though he could imagine in great detail the way all of it looked. Daegan tucking his s.h.i.+rt in, his hand sliding over his c.o.c.k to position it, the smoothing down over the zipper, the tightening of the belt on the lean, muscular waist. Jesus, he couldn't keep his mind off of s.e.x, with either one of them.

While he'd been more than eager to satisfy Anwyn's continuous desires in Daegan's absence, his return had ratcheted up all of their desires in an inexplicable way for the past few days. It had Gideon so wound up he had a compelling desire to go out and kill something just to relieve some of his tension, which was maybe why he'd felt the need to arm himself in the relative safety of the underground apartment. But there was no ignoring it. If it wasn't the soft fall of Anwyn's hair, her curvy body and that Mistress's way of getting his c.o.c.k to rise on command, it was Daegan . . . being Daegan.

Reluctantly, he acknowledged Daegan's absence had given him a temporary reprieve from a variety of disturbing issues and realities. In a way, Gideon understood what had sparked Anwyn's temper with him in the shower on that first night of Daegan's return, when she'd wanted him to take Daegan's blood. It hadn't been so much about him letting Daegan drink, but about how Gideon viewed her. During that time when it was just the two of them, Gideon could focus on her as the victim, not the vampire she was becoming or even the Mistress she hadn't exercised as fully due to the circ.u.mstances. Daegan's presence underscored the vampire and dominant side of her. The moment he'd come back, she'd noticed the return of Gideon's wariness with her, something that hadn't been there, at least not as obviously, in the past several weeks. Part of it was him not trusting vampires, but part of it was something deeper, something he rebelled against even more violently.

When the three of them had been on Daegan's bed, ostensibly talking about Council matters, Gideon had been tense as a board, wondering how he'd deal with it if she tested that side of herself. In Daegan's absence, he'd told himself, a hundred times, if she played that game with him again, allowing the male vampire a few intimate touches, some seductive moves to get her juices going, he'd tell her flat out that wasn't his thing and back away from it.

Now he wasn't sure what he'd do, and that scared him to the bone. He'd rather face three vampires than deal with that.

Guys had a compulsive need for s.e.x, right? They responded to it, whenever it happened. It explained why sailors at sea for a year or two would sodomize one another. Or some priests, obeying a centuries-old, now-irrelevant political mandate to remain chaste, started to see altar boys as Penthouse Penthouse pinups. It didn't mean anything. But h.e.l.l, he wasn't even like that, because he'd never had a glimmer of interest in guys until he got around Daegan and Anwyn. It was the way the two of them played off each other; that was all. In a s.e.xual situation with them, his c.o.c.k was going to respond to stimulation, whoever offered it, but it was Anwyn he wanted. That was that. pinups. It didn't mean anything. But h.e.l.l, he wasn't even like that, because he'd never had a glimmer of interest in guys until he got around Daegan and Anwyn. It was the way the two of them played off each other; that was all. In a s.e.xual situation with them, his c.o.c.k was going to respond to stimulation, whoever offered it, but it was Anwyn he wanted. That was that.

He ignored the fact his mental argument was getting old and thin. Especially when it was just him and Daegan in this room, and he was having a hard time keeping his eyes off the guy's body. Maybe it was something chemical about the third mark, and he just had to shut it down. He'd been good at shutting things down for a long time, right? This was some sick, twisted-s.h.i.+t side effect, no different from what Anwyn was fighting in herself. He could do it, too.

d.a.m.n it, that wasn't why he was here. Anwyn was occupied, working on her computer, so he had to deal with this, not his own baggage.

”We can't risk it,” Daegan was saying. ”It's too soon. It may be many months-”

”It may be never,” he said, more brusquely than he intended. ”She can't handle never, Daegan. That's why she went upstairs to the club, that day she had to give me the third mark. I still feel guilty as h.e.l.l about it, but it was a sign. As intolerable as confinement is to her, she's handled it pretty d.a.m.n well. Now we're going to go see the Council when she's barely adjusted to all this. We're going to have to test our preparedness, and I'd rather test it here than at the Council. We all know we're about to go into a situation that's going to be pretty high-risk, a lot of stress and tension. It will be able to trip her off faster, and knowing that is worrying her more and more. She needs a night to see what the good possibilities are, and that we'll be an effective safety net for her, so she can enjoy those possibilities. It will rea.s.sure her like nothing else.”

”She tried that when she went up to visit her club.”

”We weren't prepared then. She hadn't accepted it could happen anytime, or that she needs to depend on us to help deal with it. She has now.”

Daegan gave him a narrow look. ”If you want her fully prepared for the Council, it is past time to tell her you intend to walk into Council chambers with us, not just stay somewhere nearby. It's been nothing short of miraculous that she hasn't already figured it out. It will not be pleasant if she looks into your mind at an inopportune time and discovers that.”

”She's been preoccupied and I'm good at not thinking about things I'd prefer to avoid.”

”No argument there.”

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