Part 32 (1/2)

'D'you really want to know?'

'In the old days, there were no secrets between us.'

'Old days.' She looked away. 'I tried it again next time I was offered. And the next. And the next. It was wonderful! One time this guy picked up my mobile and put his number in my contacts. He said I only had to send a text and he'd fix me up with some. I didn't have to wait for a party or whatever. I said, ”That's too much, I'll never do that,” and he said, ”Oh yes, you will.” And he was right, I did. He meets me outside school.'

'I'd like to strangle him with piano wire,' I said fiercely.

'Why? He's just like me.'

'Of course he isn't!'

'You don't get it.' Words began pouring out of her again. 'He needs the money, same as I do. It's a bit like pyramid selling. He's not Mr Big, he's way down the pyramid. D'you see? You know, I thought I was in control of it for a while. I could stay up all night and do my homework. It made me so brainy, it was like a miracle. I could lose ma.s.ses of weight, didn't even want to eat, and get the body I'd always wanted-just freaking awesome! I could stay awake-and I mean wide awake. I was like . . . ping!' She opened her eyes too wide. 'Remember all those nights I said I was going to stay over at Tabby's, or Bianka's? Well, most of the time I never even saw them. Actually, I dumped Tabby ages ago. She's so frigging perfect, she'd have told her parents.'

I clutched at my forehead. 'So where were you? This is awful, Sacha.'

'Different places. Flats in town.'

'But who were you with?' Sacha in a dingy room, among the dregs of humanity. Sacha's mouth around a gla.s.s tube.

'Random people. Other users. 'Cos they're the only people I want to see, 'cos nothing else matters. You wouldn't believe how many people are doing it, you really wouldn't. It's not just drop-outs, it's all sorts, all ages. At New Year . . . oh my G.o.d.' Scratch, scratch. 'We didn't sleep the whole time, just kept having another little smoke, then another little smoke. Coming down was like . . . this dark place, like a torture chamber, like a dentist's drill in your brain. I thought I was going to die. And I wanted to die, I really did.'

'New Year.' I thought back. 'You stayed out two nights. I collected you from town, and you wouldn't come into the supermarket with me?'

'Wouldn't? Couldn't. If you'd put a gun to my head I'd have said ”fire”.'

Sacha s.h.i.+ed as a log fell out of the flames and rolled across the hearth. I picked it up with a pair of tongs. A wispy spider shot out from under the bark, zigzagging, trying to escape its fiery h.e.l.l.

'Was it Jani, Sacha? Is he behind all this?'

'Jani? Jani?' She was angry and agitated at the flick of a switch. 'I haven't seen Jani since I stormed out of the cinema on New Year's Eve.'

'But . . . yes, you went to the Napier fireworks with him and Bianka.'

'Never went near those frigging fireworks, never saw him or Bianka after I left the cinema. Jani hated the meth. He said I had to choose-him or it. I told him to run away and find himself a nice clean girl.' She gave a contemptuous shrug. 'Never seen him since.'

'But his sister stood by you.'

'Ah well, Bianka, that's a different story. She even talked me into giving it up for a while. She absolutely begged me. I did pretty well, stayed clean for most of the summer holidays. Remember when we went for lunch at the Colberts'?'

'Of course. Jean told us about Daniel.'

'I hadn't had any for three weeks, and I was thinking it wasn't so hard to give up after all. When I heard about Daniel, I swore I'd never use again. Then school began, and all that work, and he was waiting by the gate-this guy-and I thought just one more go . . .' Her speech was accelerating, a runaway train. 'And bam! I started using by myself, I didn't need company any more, you know what company means to me? All it means is I have to share and I don't want to share because every little crystal is so precious. It's funny. I'll have a burn in the hut-the smoko hut, great name-I can do it in there because there's no smell or anything, not really, remember the time I had to write an essay and a speech and . . . G.o.d knows what . . . and Kit helped me light the stove?'

Yes, I remembered.

'I was coming down that morning, felt like s.h.i.+t. But with a little help from my friend . . . no problem! I was buzzing all night, met you in the kitchen and we had a nice chat, I thought that was hilarious! The times I've come in and I'll be having lunch with you all, and I'm totally fried but you don't seem to get it, you've just got no idea.'

The spider was running up and down the log. It wouldn't climb onto my finger. I blew, hoping to dislodge it onto a piece of newspaper, but the poor creature shrank from my breath and disappeared back under the bark. Sap bubbled from the sawn end of the log, and smoke was billowing into the room.

'I bet most people never feel that great in their whole lives.' Sacha's voice was high-speed now. She peered intently at the back of her hand, then began to tug at a scab. 'I mean, just like-pow! Superwoman!'

'Most people don't steal from their families, either.' Giving up on my spider-which would surely be incinerated by now-I reluctantly tossed the log back onto the fire. Sparks shot up the chimney.

'A while ago I started to get freaked,' said Sacha. 'I'm still freaked, oh my G.o.d I'm freaked. I never feel okay any more, just totally s.h.i.+t . . . I can't get that great feeling back, no matter how much . . . I just need more and more.'

'So how much did all this cost?'

'Hundreds. Thousands. I used everything in my bank account. You started saving in there when I was a baby, didn't you? Well, it's all gone. I raided your and Kit's wallets, I got hold of your plastic card and got cash out, I sold Kit's camera, I filched that ginormous stack of pounds sterling you kept in a s...o...b..x in the loft-you haven't even noticed yet, have you? Five hundred pounds, I changed it for over a thousand dollars-stuff from the silver cupboard I thought you wouldn't miss. I took your watch, your special watch that Grandpa gave you.'

'Oh, no.'

She mumbled to herself, picking, picking, tearing at that scab. 'Nothing else matters, nothing else matters, it's just like-whatever, whatever. I p.a.w.ned my flute. I p.a.w.ned, um,' she swallowed, 'Ivan's locket. But I still needed more. I ended up owing money, I was really scared they'd do something to me, but the people up the pyramid said no problem, no problem at all, they were sure my family had a lot of nice things, I just had to tell them where and how and let them know when there was n.o.body in.'

Suddenly, it was too much. I picked up our mugs and stumbled into the kitchen where I stood leaning on my hands against the table. My head was pounding. After a minute I heard her footstep behind me.

I didn't turn around. 'Who broke into this house?'

'Don't ask, don't ask! I can't tell you.'

'Oh yes, you can. I want names. I'm going to have them locked up. Somebody's got to stand up to these b.a.s.t.a.r.ds.'

'You can't! They'll kill me.' She sounded panicked. 'They might hurt the twins, or set fire to the house. They're totally psycho, Mum. They're off their heads.'

At the mention of Charlie and Finn, adrenaline raced through me. Life is cheap to those people.

Sacha gasped and hurried to the kitchen door. I watched as she cupped her hands to the gla.s.s, peering out. 'Did you hear an engine?' she whispered. 'Oh my G.o.d, there's a car!'

'It's just Kit,' I said, looking past her.

'I think they're after me,' said Sacha.

I tucked my only daughter up in bed. She'd bathed in the twins' bubbles, and I washed her hair-something I hadn't done for years. I made a hot water bottle and dabbed tea-tree oil on the ghastly sores she'd excavated in herself. She smelled clean and loved.

At the weekend I got stung by a be. My Mum cuddled me and put speshal creem on from her hambag. It made me beta.

'I hate it.' Her eyes were flicking rapidly from side to side as though some enemy was about to leap out. 'It gets into my head.'

'We'll beat it together,' I said, rocking us both.

'Help me!' Scratch, scratch.

'Shh.'

'When I look in the mirror . . . Mum, I don't know who I am.'

I took a little while to tidy the mess in her room. The next time I looked at Sacha, she seemed comatose. Her skin was translucent, wet hair smeared across the pillow. My heart ached. She was just a little girl, really, and she was in such trouble.