Part 4 (2/2)
”I AM AN ORPHAN. SO ARE THE OTHERS, BUT THEY ARE NOT SO ORPHAN AS I AM. I AM EXTREMELY FREQUENT.”
Dahlia said--
”WE ARE DOING THIS FOR AN ADVERTIs.e.m.e.nT. IF YOU LIKE US, SEND A s.h.i.+LLING FOR A FREE SAMPLE CONCERT, MENTIONING THIS PAPER. YOUR MONEY BACK IF WE ARE NOT SATISFIED WITH IT.”
Simpson announced--
”WORLD'S LONG DISTANCE CORNETIST. HOLDER OF THE OBOE RECORD ON GRa.s.s. RUNNER-UP IN THE OCARINA WELTER WEIGHTS (STRANGLE HOLD BARRED). MIXED ZITHER CHAMPION (1907, COVERED COURTS).”
Myra said--
”KIND FRIENDS, HELP US. WE WERE WRECKED THIS AFTERNOON. THE CORNET WAS SINKING FOR THE THIRD TIME WHEN IT WAS RESCUED, AND HAD TO BE BROUGHT ROUND BY ARTIFICIAL RESPIRATION. CAN YOU SPARE US A DRINK OF WATER?”
As for myself I had to hand the Simpson yachting cap round, and my notice said--
”WE WANT YOUR MONEY. IF YOU CANNOT GIVE US ANY, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE KEEP THE CAP.”
We had an early dinner, so as to be in time to serenade our victims when they were finis.h.i.+ng their own meal and feeling friendly to the world. Then we went upstairs and dressed. Dahlia and Myra had kimonos, Simpson put on his dressing-gown, in which he fancies himself a good deal, and Archie and I wore brilliantly-coloured pyjamas over our other clothes.
”Let's see,” said Simpson, ”I start off with 'The Minstrel Boy,'
don't I? And then what do we do?”
”Then we help you to escape,” said Archie. ”After that, Dahlia sings 'Santa Lucia,' and Myra and I give them a duet, and if you're back by then with your false nose properly fixed it might be safe for you to join in the chorus of a c.o.o.n song. Now then, are we all ready?”
”What's that?” said Myra.
We all listened ... and then we opened the door.
It was pouring.
V.--MAROONED
”Stroke, you're late,” said Thomas, b.u.t.ting me violently in the back with his oar.
”My dear Thomas, when you have been in the Admiralty a little longer you will know that 'bow' is not the gentleman who sets the time.
What do you suppose would happen at Queen's Hall if the second bird-call said to the conductor, 'Henry, you're late'?”
”The whole gallery would go out and get its hair cut,” said Archie.
”I'm not used to the Morse system of rowing, that's the trouble,”
explained Thomas. ”Long-short, short-short-long, short-long. You're spelling out the most awful things, if you only knew.”
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