Part 16 (1/2)

”She is three years older than you and perhaps more mature. She might not strike your fancy, but you grew up together and you know each other. It is you, however, who must choose.”

”We get along.” Guang-hsu's face turned red. ”I have seen her paintings, although I don't really feel as if I know her.”

”She would like very much to be your Empress.”

”Has she really said that?” Guang-hsu asked.

I nodded.

”Well, that's nice...” He hesitated and rose from his chair. ”I suppose she is the right one, then. You like her, and that's what matters to me.”

”Do you mind Lan's lack of beauty?”

”Why should I mind?”

”Most men would.”

”I am not most men.”

”Well, both of you are not only my closest blood relations but also people I can truly trust. However, I would not be able to forgive myself if matching you two led to unhappiness.”

Guang-hsu went quiet. After a while he said, ”In my eyes Lan is beautiful and has always been kind.”

I began to relax and felt hopeful.

”Within the family,” Guang-hsu continued, ”Lan was the one who always protected me when others ridiculed me.”

”You are not doing this to please me, are you, Guang-hsu?”

”It would be dishonest to deny that I intend to please you,” he said. ”I don't think I am allowed to postpone my marriage, since I have already postponed it twice. The world thinks that the reason I am not married is because you refuse to step down.”

I was moved by his concern for me. I said nothing, but my eyes grew tearful-I lost Tung Chih but gained Guang-hsu.

”Mother, let's just get it over with. If there is any chance that I shall fall in love, Lan would be the one.”

Now I felt nervous and asked Guang-hsu to give himself a few months to think about Lan before making a final decision.

We walked along the sh.o.r.e of Kun Ming Lake where the view was serene. Shrouded in mist, the hills looked like a giant watercolor painting, and the rippling lake reminded me of watered silk.

I sighed when Tung Chih came to mind. ”I wished that I had known how to please Alute.”

”Let me make you happy again, Mother,” Guang-hsu said softly.

The Big Dipper hung bright in the purple sky. That night Li Lien-ying applied green-tea-enriched dandelion cream on my skin and ma.s.saged my limbs. Something unsettling had descended over me, but I couldn't figure out what it was. In the future I would wish that I had continued my conversation with Guang-hsu.

I could only say that it was exactly what life was about: a mystery in which one can never know where one truly is.

23.

Guang-hsu chose two sisters from the Tatala clan-which had close connections to the Yehonala clan-as his concubines. The girls were favorite students of Tutor Weng. Guang-hsu first heard his grand tutor praising them, and then was impressed when he met them. The girls' father was the secretary of the Imperial Board of Justice, a friend of Prince Kung's who was known for his liberal views.

I didn't quite know how to react when Guang-hsu presented the girls to me. The younger one, Zhen, or Pearl, was barely fourteen years old. She was beautiful and acted more like Guang-hsu's younger sister than his concubine. Pearl was curious, bright and vivacious. The elder girl, Chin, or l.u.s.trous, was fifteen. She was rotund with a placid but stiff expression. Guang-hsu seemed happy with his selection and asked for my approval.

Although there were a number of girls who came highly recommended, and who in my opinion were much better qualified in terms of beauty and intelligence, I promised myself not to interfere with Guang-hsu's decisions. I was a little selfish and thought that the less attractive the girls, the safer it would be for my niece Lan. I would be doing Lan a disservice by surrounding her husband with beauties. Despite my prayers that Guang-hsu and Lan would eventually fall in love, I asked myself, what if they don't?

Pearl and l.u.s.trous completed a harmonious package. When I lined them up with Lan, I thought the arrangement ideal: Pearl was young, l.u.s.trous was pa.s.sive, and Lan was given a chance to s.h.i.+ne. My goal was to encourage Guang-hsu to have children with all of them.

The three girls came for tea in beautiful dresses. They reminded me of my youth. I intended to let them know of my regrettable relations.h.i.+p with Alute. The girls didn't expect my frankness and were stunned.

”I am sorry to put you through this,” I explained. ”If you don't already know the story, you will hear it sooner or later from palace rumors. It's better that I tell you my own version.”

I warned them to put aside their expectations of life inside the Forbidden City. ”Don't focus on how life should be but how life is.” I let Lan know that I was thrilled to share with her a pa.s.sion for literature and opera, but I cautioned her that poetry and opera are diversions, not serious pursuits.

The girls didn't seem to understand, but each nodded obediently.

”Alute and Tung Chih fell in love the first time they met,” I went on. ”But Tung Chih abandoned her after a few months for other women.” I mentioned how I lost my husband to Chinese concubines. ”It takes character, an iron will and endurance to survive inside the Forbidden City.” To make my point clear, I emphasized that I would not tolerate another Alute.

While Lan, who already knew the story, listened, l.u.s.trous and Pearl widened their eyes as I spoke of my late daughter-in-law Alute. I had to stop to wipe my tears, for the memory of Tung Chih was unbearable.

Pearl wept when I described Alute's sad end.

”I'd never do what Alute did even if I become disappointed with my life and wish to kill myself,” she cried. ”Alute was wrong to murder her baby!”

”Pearl,” l.u.s.trous interrupted. ”Stop, please. Negative emotions will harm the Grand Empress's health.”

”Would you say that you have survived and prospered?” Lan asked me at our third tea party.

”Survived, maybe-definitely not prospered” was my reply.

”Everyone in the country believes that your life is a fairy tale,” Pearl said. ”It's not true?”

”To an extent I suppose it is true,” I agreed. ”I live in the Forbidden City, thousands cater to my needs, my wardrobe is beyond imagining, but-”

”You are wors.h.i.+ped by millions,” Lan interrupted.