Part 52 (1/2)
Yes, of course--it was always the heaviest item with us. My father ...
what was it mother told of him? And his father before him....
”Look back, you say? Back along the tracks I made long ago? Good--I look; you go about your business in the proper way, I see. If you had come with sermons, and talk of sin and heaven and h.e.l.l, I'd leave you to preach alone--none of that for me. I know ... that love is in our flesh and blood, drawing us like a magnet--in our day, none draws back a single step of his way for the fear of sin and h.e.l.l--there is always time to repent and be forgiven later on! But your book shows our acts on this side, and what comes of them on that--and we stand with bowed heads, seeing how all is written in our own blood.”
He stared before him, as if at something tangible and real.
”Yes, there's the book, and there is my account. All these strokes and lines--what's that? Something I can't make out. Here's my road, there are my doings--that I understand. And here are all that I've had dealings with. But this mess of broken lines ... this way and that...?
Ah, consequences! Is that it? Well, well.... All these run together at one point--that's clear enough--myself, of course. But these others running out all ways, endlessly.... What's that you say? More consequences, but to others!
”No, no! Not all that! Something of the sort I was prepared for--but all that? Is it always so in your book--is everything set down?”
”All that leaves any trace behind--all acts that make for any consequence!”
”All? But man is a free agent--this does not look like freedom.”
”Free to act, yes, but every act knits the fine threads of consequence--that can decide the fate of a life!”
”No--no! Close the book--I have seen enough! Who cares to think of a book with lines and threads of consequence, when fate is kind, and all seems easy going? I laughed at those who wasted their youth in prayer and fasting. And I laughed at the laws of life, for I could take Love, and enjoy it without fear of any tie--I was proud to feel myself free, to know that none had any claim on me--no child could call me father.
But now, after many years, come those who speak of ties I never dreamed of. Here was a mother showing me a child--I had never touched her that way, yet you come and tell me there are laws I know nothing of. And when I beg and pray of you to grant me a child for myself and for her to whom it is life and death, you turn your back, and cry scornfully: 'Laugh, and take Love, and enjoy--you have had your will!'”
Again the terrifying sense of physical distress--of something amiss with heart and pulse. He sat waiting for a new shock, wondering if, perhaps, it would be the last ... the end....
The door opened.
”Olof! Here I am at last--am I very late?... Why, what is the matter?...
Olof...!”
Kyllikki hurried over to him. With an effort he pulled himself together, and answered calmly, with a smile:
”Don't get so excited--you frightened me! It's nothing ... nothing....
I felt a little giddy for the moment, that was all. I've had it before --it's nothing to worry about. Pa.s.s off in a minute....”
She looked at him searchingly. ”Olof...?”
”Honestly, it is nothing.”
”It must be something to make you look like that. Olof, what is it? I have noticed it before--though you always tried to pa.s.s it off....”
”Well, and if it is,” he answered impatiently, ”it need not worry you.”
”Olof, can you say that of anything between us two?”
He was silent for a moment. ”Why not,” he said at last, ”if it is something that could only add needlessly to the other's burden?”
”Then more than ever,” answered Kyllikki warmly.
She hurried into the next room and returned with a coverlet.