c24 (1/2)
昨天 by 風弄 Chapter 24
Yesterday by Feng Nong
The next day, I don't know what strings ShuTing pulled, but he comes to see me. We sit separated by gla.s.s. ShuTing face is at once worried, wan, sallow, and also pained. Once he sees me come out, he hurriedly presses his hand on the gla.s.s calling me through the microphone:
”ShengSheng, ShengSheng.” I calmly sit down. Yesterday's tears have already been swallowed down, leaving me at ease and unconcerned. ShuTing says: ”Don't worry, I have already begged my older sister to use her high level connections. You have been wrongly accused, I will definitely save you.” I smile indifferently:
”ShuTing, you have already saved me.” Saved me from the tangled spider web that could not be unravelled. No more worrying over losing and winning, no more tossing and turning, only leaving memories and heartache. ShuTing is surprised, he doesn't understand. How could he understand? I say: ”ShuTing, don't rush about for my sake. I owe you too much, I've wronged you, I feel very guilty.” Baffled, ShuTing says:
”ShengSheng, I will definitely save you.” I shake my head, unable to raise my spirits. But his concern and worry really lets me feel touched.
While waiting for my trial date, the second person that comes to see me, is YuJiang. He sits behind the gla.s.s, in a calm and refined manner. Handsome face, tender expression, not one change in his demeanor, still wearing his mask of a million years and one day. The moment I saw him, I was a little entranced. Didn't he already give up on me? Don't tell me he needed to come over look at my hopeless situation with is own eyes before being content and satisfied, able to arrange his pillow without worries. YuJiang, you don't have to be so cruel.
YuJiang looks at me for a moment before saying softly:
”You've lost weight.” Again the same old words, again such tenderness and sincerity. I returned his gentle smile:
”Receiving your attention, how can I not lose weight?”
”ShengSheng, do you suspect me?”
”No, I don't suspect.” I say resolutely and decisively: ”I am certain.” I can't explain it, I'm a hundred percent certain, but still hope with all my heart that he would deny it. YuJiang, YuJiang, you are my weak spot, do you know that? So, towards me, you can hurt me over and over again, and repeat it ten million times? Yesterday, I told myself in that small tiny cell that I have already decided, that I have already given up all hope, that I have already come out of the sea of bitterness. Today, I still ache dully because of you. Could it be that I can't even resolve to cut myself off from someone as cruel as you? That tender and sincere look gently caresses my lips and forehead through the gla.s.s, just like his large broad hands. YuJiang sighs:
”You won't believe me no matter what I say.” He smiles bitterly: ”It would have been wrong to not let you go, and also wrong to let you go. I have exhausted all the ways, yet I can't ease the pain in your heart.” I smile coldly:
”Why would you need to concern yourself with the pain in my heart? You shouldn't spend so much effort worrying about things that don't belong to you.” Words that cut like a knife. YuJiang pales when he hears these words, even seeming to have a little quiver in his lips for a split second. I am also a little shocked, I never knew that my words could actually break his gold mask.
”ShengSheng, the trust between us is already smashed and scattered.” YuJiang sits on the chair, proper and upright, extremely sincere, extremely sad: ”The trust I have in you, the trust you have in me ............ are both smashed and shattered.” He is referring to me following ShuTing, leaving him behind. In his eyes, this is the utmost betrayal. YuJiang, you love after all, is that right? YuJiang's sadness, YuJiang's disappointment, leaves me in a daze. My dead heart sends out a dying struggle. I quickly lower my head:
”That's right, we never did have trust between us. Even if this situation is not related to you, I will still put it on your head.” I see his body freeze up, I can feel the cold current in his heart, flowing all over, gobbling up his nerves, tearing open his heart. I place both my hands on my lap and look quietly at YuJiang's suffering. The satisfaction from having taken my revenge mixes with the anguish that rips my marrow, forming a huge pulling force, wanting to tear me into a million pieces.
”ShengSheng, no matter what, I will save you.” His voice is firm and composed, confident and resolute. Even if it is a false display of affection, how can I endure this? Without a word, I get up and walk towards my cell. On my back, YuJiang's intense gaze follows me. Once I turn the corner, I collapse weakly by the door. I burst out crying wildly. It's not dead! It's not dead! My heart, it's not yet dead.
Such irony in this world, in prison, I've become like an important person specializing in receiving visitors. But one day, someone comes to visit. Dressed in prison garb, once I see who came, I'm stunned on the spot. The feel of remorse and uneasiness rises up from the bottom of my feet, welling up to the highest point, the weight of which is too much for me to bear, leaving me only able to lower my head. I sit down, having no strength to raise my head.
”Pa ........ ” This person without any good points, the son that can only cause disgrace, what need is there to come visit? Dad is very calm, he speaks unhurriedly:
”ShengSheng, raise your head.” I can't refuse, I raise my head to look at my dad. He carefully looks me up and and down, just like he used to when I misbehaved as a small child, calm and composed, as if the situation I'm in today is of no concern. ”ShengSheng, I thought you would have learned a few things. It's too bad you didn't learn anything.” Dad doesn't sigh, he only states: ”You're still young, so young that that I can't be at ease.” My throat is choked with sobs.
Dad says: ”Do you know why you have fallen to such an extent?” I nod. Because I'm too stupid, too foolish, too naive, too simple ............ ”No, you don't know.” Dad shakes his head. He gives me the answer: ”It's because you're a man.” This answer is really something no one expected. I raise my head in surprise. ”Against this man of the same s.e.x, YuJiang, you are too vulnerable, that's why you are so uneasy and suffering such that you completely lack the power to strike back.” Dad points out this key point in this one sentence: ”Stubbornly, is your only way in life.” I am completely shocked and distracted for a long time. As if having an epiphany.
This one sentence evokes a wave of a thousand floors. Churning surging emotions. Because towards YuJiang, I have always been uneasy and suffering, losing my head in fear? Worried that I wouldn't be able to endure, worried that I would be unable to take the loss, worried that I wouldn't be able to escape, all this worry, on and on without end. My suffering, is caused by me being deeply in love with him but not believing in his deep love for me. The uneven degree of love caused me to lose hope. It's all because I didn't try hard enough to let myself earn the confidence that I will have YuJiang's unwavering love for the rest of my life. It's all because I didn't consider myself on par with him. Demanding day and night for YuJiang to give me the magic mirror, forgetting that it was always in my hand. Deliberately putting myself in a small and weak position, forgetting that I have the right to fight. Only waiting to see if YuJiang is genuine, if he would abandon me, if he would let me go. What about me? What about what I want? Suppressing my own feelings, persistently entangling myself endlessly, how foolish. Like hearing the morning bell and evening drum, my heart shakes from a divine touch. My head swims, my vision blurs, earth and sky spinning. After having completely lost my way, I regain my clear-headedness, my whole body covered in cold sweat. Dad says:
”Yesterday, Rong enterprise quietly moved the Huang enterprise shares under your name. ShengSheng, you're now the rightful president of Huang enterprise.” I look at dad, not knowing what to say. ”This matter, I will try my best to deal with it, you don't have to worry.” Dad suddenly says earnestly: ”ShengSheng, YuJiang has gone through considerable difficulties for you.” Shocked, I lower my head.
The following days I am constantly in deep thought. The prison is actually a good place for contemplation. Thinking over the events between YuJiang and me, from the beginning to the end, turning it over and over. Why did I surrender body and mind, suffering crus.h.i.+ng defeat over and over, beyond redemption, such a dismal fate? The cause of that lies largely with me. Only placing my scrutiny on YuJiang, never turning back to look at myself, at the flaws all over my body. I laugh bitterly, shaking my head. Increasing regret with each laugh, increasing remorse with each laugh. Wasted opportunity ............ Not admitting any guilt over and over. I was never guilty, so how could I admit it?
I know that outside there are many troops currently struggling hard, fighting for me. Blood flowing like rivers. Among them, is YuJiang. He that hates me to no end, loves me to no end, the man that can never cut me off heart and soul. I swear that I will change myself. I will no longer let YuJiang imprison me, pin me down. I will imprison him, pin him down, proudly revealing my own power. Let him pursue me until he loses sense of direction, unable to take his eyes off me for even a moment. No matter if it is for revenge, or for the sake of love. I will act according to my own wishes, like a soaring eagle. The sole place in YuJiang's heart, I will no longer ask for. I will take by force.
ShuTing comes to see me a few times, across the gla.s.s, anxious like ants on a hot pan. Unable to hide his anxiousness, he a.s.sures me:
”ShengSheng, it will definitely be alright. Trust me, you must trust me.” The reason he is insisting that others trust him is only because he himself is uncertain. I'm definitely not going to point it out bluntly, nodding my head softly: ”Alright, I trust you.”
Waiting for judgement day, I undergo interrogation over and over again. Even YuJiang comes to see me once more. I see his jet black eyes the instant I step into the reception room. His imposing figure, sitting completely at ease on the other side. He stares at me just like I'm staring at him. Step by step getting closer, like the lens of a camera, slowly pulling in, letting me look clearly at his face. Dressed in prison garb, I sit down. I'm absolutely not dejected, not agitated, I'm calm and composed, in the gloomy prison, waiting to become a soaring eagle. I absolutely will never again appear weak and incompetent in front of YuJiang. Not waiting for him to open his mouth, I say indifferently:
”You've lost weight.” Just like clear skies and light breeze, I give him back his often said phrase. YuJiang is stunned, his eyes showing surprise which he immediately tries to hide. He lowers his head and looks at himself, smiling:
”That's right, I've lost a little weight.” He also asks: ”ShengSheng, are you still alright?” His tender smile almost made me do something foolish, and ask him earnestly: YuJiang, it's really not you? It's really not you that did it? Luckily I stopped myself, merely replying with a faint smile:
”I'm doing well.” YuJiang observes me for a long time, before saying:
”ShengSheng, you've changed.”
”Have I?” I ask: ”Change for the better, or change for the worse?” YuJiang changes the topic:
”I will get you out of here.”
”You should prepare a little more weapons to coerce the court.” I say indifferently: ”Transporting drugs in Malaysia is a capital offense.” That's why ShuTing is worried to such an extent. Even such an influential family, facing the country's justice system, may not hold sufficient influence. YuJiang looks at me intently and says softly:
”ShengSheng, I really miss you.” His soft tone, flat without any emotion. My heart starts to burn. I recall everything that happened in YuJiang's embrace. I reply softly:
”YuJiang, I miss you too.” I take all the tender feelings twisting in my heart and pour them into those words. Maybe he is too surprised with my sudden change that he doesn't dare to believe, YuJiang is speechless for a long time. His reaction, compared to that when I told him: I won't regret, smooth and unhesitating, is really too different. Seeing his once in a lifetime slip-up, I strike while the iron is hot. I take my hands and press them on the gla.s.s that separates us: ”YuJiang, the trust between us, is already smashed and scattered, what about ................ our love?”
Yesterday, I was afraid of letting any declaration of love slip from my mouth, fearing that it would only become a magic weapon for YuJiang against me. Today, I no longer fear. YuJiang is once again shocked but calms down very quickly, giving me a composed smile. Polished and refined, very much a n.o.ble man.
”ShengSheng, I have always loved you.” I smile gleefully:
”Me too.” How interesting, like a fascinating game. Using love to trap the other side in my palm, and watch him go crazy for me, shed tears for me. Seven emotions and six desires, all in the palm of my hand. Turning into the one that is loved. Before, I was the loser, what about now? Under YuJiang's gaze, I casually leave the reception room. Out the door, I flip my hair and smile. This time crossing swords, I leave satisfied. Very satisfied.
Calmly I wait for the impending trial, although it is clear that I will definitely be sentenced to death. Because someone will save me. He can't let me go, so he can only save me. Therefore the one that is troubled is not me, but him. Worry and worry, feel hurt, cry bitterly and blame yourself all for me. I love you this much, YuJiang. Thank you dad, with his one sentence, he brought back my will to fight, my desire to win. It turns out the realm of love is also a battlefield.
Finally, it's almost judgement day. I'm not clear of what is happening outside, but I'm a little uneasy. If something goes wrong, am I really going to my death in here?
At night, sleeping on the crude and simple bed, I toss and turn, thinking of YuJiang knitting his brows in worry working all avenues. Suddenly I hear the sound of the steel door opening. I quickly sit up and watch the door vigilantly. A sliver of light appears at the crack of the door. In the middle of the darkness, a figure flashes in. I stay silent, waiting for things to develop. That person draws nearer. It's coming too close, I'm suddenly get nervous, my brain goes into overdrive, considering if I should shout out loudly. I do not. I have a faint feeling that this is someone sent to save me. At this point, it is hard to stop my heart from thumping faster. Even my breaths start to become ragged.