Part 2 (2/2)
Uncle Otto never recovered.
He was saying, ”Yesterday were my final hopes. Consolidated informs me they will in my honor a banquet give. Who knows, I say to myself. Maybe they will my flute buy.” Under stress, my uncle Otto's word order tends to s.h.i.+ft from English to Germanic.
The picture intrigued me.
”What an idea,” I said. ”A thousand giant flutes secreted in key spots in enemy territories blaring out singing commercials just flat enough to ”
”Quiet! Quiet!” My uncle Otto brought down the flat of his hand on my desk like n pistol shot, and the plastic calendar jumped in fright and fell down dead. ”From you also mockery? Where is your respect?”
”I'm sorry, Uncle Otto.”
”Then listen. I attended the banquet and they made speeches about the Schlemmelmayer Effect and how it harnessed the power of mind. Then when I thought they would announce they would my flute buy, they give me this!”
He took out what looked like a two-thousand-dollar gold piece and threw it at me. I ducked.
Had it hit the window, it would have gone through and brained a pedestrian, but it hit the wall. I picked it up. You could tell by the weight that it was only gold plated. On one side it said: ”The Elias Hancroft Sudford Award” in big letters, and ”to Dr. Otto Schlemmelmayer for his contributions to science” in small letters. On the other side was a profile, obviously not of my uncle Otto. In fact, it didn't look like any breed of dog; more like a pig.
”That,” said my uncle Otto, ”is Elias Bancroft Sudford, chairman of Consolidated Arms!”
He went on, ”So when I saw that was all, I got up and very politely said: 'Gentlemen, dead drop!' and walked out.” out.”
”Then you walked the streets all night.” I filled in for him, ”and came here without even changing your clothes. You're still in your tuxedo.”
My uncle Otto stretched out an arm and looked at its covering. ”A tuxedo?” he said.
”A tuxedo!” I said.
His long, jowled checks turned blotchy red and he roared, ”I come here on something of first-rate importance and you insist on about nothing but tuxedos talking. My own nephew!”
I let the fire burn out. My uncle Otto is the brilliant one in the family, so except for trying to keep him from falling into sewers and walking out of windows, we morons try not to bother him.
I said, ”And what can I do for you, Uncle?”
I tried to make it sound businesslike; I tried to introduce the lawyer-client relations.h.i.+p.
He waited impressively and said, ”I need money.”
He had come to the wrong place. I said, ”Uncle, right now I don't have ”
”Not from you,” he said.
I felt better.
He said, ”There is a new Schlemmelmayer Effect; a better one. This one I do not in not in scientific journals publish. My big mouth shut I keep. It entirely my own is.” He was leading a phantom orchestra with his bony fist as he spoke. scientific journals publish. My big mouth shut I keep. It entirely my own is.” He was leading a phantom orchestra with his bony fist as he spoke.
”From this new Effect,” he went on, ”I will make money and my own flute factory open.”
”Good,” I said, thinking of the factory and lying.
”But I don't know how.”
”Bad,” I said. thinking of the factory and lying.
”The trouble is my mind is brilliant. I can conceive concepts beyond ordinary people. Only, Harry, I can't conceive ways of making money. It's a talent I do not have.”
”Bad,” I said, not lying at all.
”So I come to you as a lawyer.”
I sn.i.g.g.e.red a little deprecating sn.i.g.g.e.r.
”I come to you,” he went on, ”to make you help me with your crooked, lying, sneaking, dishonest lawyer's brain.”
I filed the remark, mentally, under unexpected compliments and said, ”I love you, too, Uncle Otto.”
He must have sensed the sarcasm because he turned purple with rage and yelled, ”Don't be touchy. Be like me, patient, understanding, and easygoing, lumphead. Who says anything about you as a man? As a man, you are an honest dunderkopf, but as a lawyer, you have to be a crook. Everyone knows that.”
I sighed. The Bar a.s.sociation warned me there would be days like this.
”What's your new Effect, Uncle Otto?” I asked.
He said, ”I can reach back into Time and bring things out of the past.”
I acted quickly. With my left hand I s.n.a.t.c.hed my watch out of the lower left vest pocket and consulted it with all the anxiety I could work up. With my right hand I reached for the telephone.
”Well, Uncle,” I said heartily, ”I just remembered an extremely important appointment I'm already hours late for. Always glad to see you. And now, I'm afraid I must say good-bye. Yes, sir, seeing you has been a pleasure, a real pleasure. Well, good-bye. Yes, sir ”
I failed to lift the telephone out of its cradle. I was pulling up all right, but my uncle Otto's hand was on mine and pus.h.i.+ng down. It was no contest. Have I said my uncle Otto was once on the Heidelberg wrestling team in '32?
He took hold of my elbow gently (for him) and I was standing. It was a great saving of muscular effort (for me).
”Let's” he said, ”to my laboratory go.”
He to his laboratory went. And since I had neither the knife nor the inclination to cut my left arm off at the shoulder, I to his laboratory went also....
My uncle Otto's laboratory is down a corridor and around a corner in one of the university buildings. Ever since the Schlemmelmayer Effect had turned out to be a big thing, he had been relieved of all course work and left entirely to himself. His laboratory looked it.
I said, ”Don't you keep the door locked anymore?”
He looked at me slyly, his huge nose wrinkling into a sniff. ”It is is locked. With a Schlemmelmayer relay, it's locked. I think a word and the door opens. Without it, n.o.body can get in. Not even the president of the university. Not even the locked. With a Schlemmelmayer relay, it's locked. I think a word and the door opens. Without it, n.o.body can get in. Not even the president of the university. Not even the janitor. janitor.”
I got a little excited, ”Great guns, Uncle Otto. A thought-lock could bring you ”
”Hah! I should sell the patent for someone else rich to get? After last night? Never. In a while, I will myself rich become.”
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