Part 9 (1/2)

When I stepped out of the shower I could still hear the rus.h.i.+ng water in my ears. The sound followed me through the penthouse as I dressed and gathered my things. I scooped up the box off the floor and shoved it back in its hiding place, wis.h.i.+ng the pounding in my head would subside. But as I padded down the stairs and grabbed my handbag, it only grew louder.

When the doors of the elevator opened, the sound was everywhere. And my head flooded with sudden understanding.

It was the rumble of a motorcycle parked outside of our building.

It could be anyone, I told myself. It was the first really warm day of the summer. The bikers would be out in full force. Hearing a motorcycle out on the street was not a remarkable occurrence at all. My heart should really stop beating so fast.

”Good morning Officer,” I nodded to the young guard half asleep in the booth. I was glad Officer Wilkens wasn't here today. He had seen me leave last night. I wondered if he knew how I had gotten home.

I stepped out of the lobby onto the baking heat of the sidewalk. There was indeed a motorcycle in front of our building, but a pudgy white man with close cropped, thinning hair was straddling it and revving the engine. It was a gleaming chrome chopper, clearly a custom piece and it clearly cost the man a lot of money, because he was absentmindedly stroking the handlebars as one would a cat. I swallowed the disappointment that shouldn't have been there in the first place.

Then from below the bike rose the figure I had been hoping to see. He looked different in the daylight, but I recognized him immediately and my heart pounded wildly. I shuffled my feet, trying to move forward, but I felt frozen to the spot. It was like he had appeared on command, my wish come true, but I was too terrified to go to him.

I could only watch. J. had a wrench in his hand and tossed it deftly to the other.

”Try 'er now,” I heard him shout over the din, and the pudgy man revved the engine up to a scream. A wide smile broke across his face and he nodded, then reached his hand into his pocket and shoved some bills into J.'s hand. J. looked momentarily annoyed and shoved the money into his back pocket without counting it.

The pudgy man roared off into the early morning traffic, grinning like a maniac. J. stood on the sidewalk and watched him go north on 18th. I figured he was probably headed right for the highway. I watched him disappear and a sudden thought crossed my mind.

”Now how are you going to get home?” I blurted.

J. whirled around. When he saw me, his face registered several emotions at once. I saw a flicker of anger, a burst of annoyance, a hint of regret. Then an open, honest eagerness that made my heart leap as well as my feet. Suddenly unfrozen, I danced towards him, unable to hide my excitement.

”You're up,” he remarked.

”Barely.” Seeing him had made me forget how terrible I felt only moments ago.

”How's your head?”

I grimaced as I checked my self and realized it was still painful. ”I'm ignoring it. What are you doing here?” The little hopeful thought that he had wanted to see me again buzzed around me like a gnat.

”I swear, I'm not stalking you,” he began defensively.

I froze and held up my hands placatingly. ”No, I saw, don't worry. You brought that guy a bike. I think he lives on the fifth floor.”

J. nodded slowly. ”Some kind of doctor?”

”Plastic surgeon, yeah.”

”He must make a lot of money, huh?” There was a look in his eyes that told me to tread carefully.

”He's done well I think. I've never talked to him, just heard about him.”

J. looked over my head, not making eye contact. ”And you?”

”What about me?”

”You make a lot of money?”

”Oh G.o.d!” I clapped my hand over my mouth to stifle the laugh. His eyes blazed and I quickly swallowed it down. ”Ah, no. I'm a hick from Carbon County.”

”So how can you afford to live in a place like this?” He gestured towards my building, rising high above the square.

I was suddenly flooded with shame. ”I live with my fiance,” I confessed, flicking my engagement ring around my finger. ”He bought it.”

”Is he a doctor?”

I let myself laugh this time, but there was no mirth in it. ”Ha, no. I think you have to have some compa.s.sion to be a doctor.” As soon as I said it I bit my tongue.

J. looked at me sharply but didn't press. I felt compelled to continue, letting the words flood out in a torrent. ”I was going to college, working at a restaurant. We met and I was suddenly in this place where I didn't belong.”

J. s.h.i.+fted his hips a little and looked at the ground. ”I never said you didn't belong here.”

”No, you didn't.” I sighed and looked up at the building. I couldn't even see our floor from where we stood. ”I did.”

He looked up at me, his eyes flicking back and forth across my face. I could tell he wanted to ask so many questions.

And I suddenly wanted to answer them. My words came tumbling fast and loose, spilling out of my mouth before I could catch hold of them and stuff them back in. I had no time to catch them and form my lies. I was terrified to hear the truth spew forth in a waterfall.

”I'm living this life where everything I do is wrong, everything I say is stupid. I keep making mistake after mistake and I don't know how to get free of it. Everything I do just pulls me further into this hole and I don't even know which way is up anymore.”

I blushed at having revealed so much and hung my head. When his fingers brushed across my arm, I nearly jumped out of my skin. ”It's your life,” he said simply.

”Is it?” I felt tears gathering at the edges of my eyes. People were pa.s.sing us on the sidewalk, a million eyes there to see me losing my mind. ”Is it mine?”

He pulled back. ”If this ain't what you want, then change it. Fight back. Do what you want to do.”

I coughed and looked down at the sidewalk. What I wanted to do was have him kiss me again like he had last night. ”So you didn't answer my question.”

”What was that?” He sounded impatient.

”How're you getting home?”

He gestured up the block. ”The El runs right by my place.”

”Do you have to get back quickly?”

He raised his eyebrows. ”No. Not exactly.”

”I'm going to tell you what I want then.”

He crossed his arms, making the leather squeak. ”And what's that.” It wasn't a question.

”I want,” I swallowed. ”I mean I'd like it, if you'd come with me.”

He blinked. I saw a little smile quicken then die on his lips. He looked wary again. ”Where are you going?”