Part 90 (2/2)

suggested the attorney, after some consideration, ”suppose you say, 'I _lend_, until the last day?'”--”Yes, yes, _that will do_,” eagerly rejoined the miser.

MDCXXVIII.--AN ENDLESS TASK.

WHO seeks to please all men each way, And not himself offend, He may begin his work to-day, But who knows when he'll end?

MDCXXIX.--PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.

MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew who she was, exclaimed, ”Ah! it's all over with the _drama_, if we don't encourage one another.”

MDCx.x.x.--A CELESTIAL VISION.

QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than men, replied, ”It is in conformity with the other arrangements of Nature, madam; we always see more of _heaven than earth_.”

MDCx.x.xI.--DESt.i.tUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.

ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that, being about to compile a history of distinguished families in Somersets.h.i.+re, he had called to obtain the Smith _arms_. ”I regret, sir,” said the reverend wit, ”not to be able to contribute to so valuable a work; but _the Smiths_ never had any _arms_, and have invariably sealed their letters with their _thumbs_.”

MDCx.x.xII.--UNCIVIL WARNING.

A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, ”Parsley,--_fatal to parrots_.”

MDCx.x.xIII.--AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.

WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him for being a Scotchman. ”I find,” said he, ”that I am come to London at a bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and liberal mind, and you know that I cannot _help coming from Scotland_.”--”Sir,” replied the doctor, archly, ”_no more_ can the rest of your countrymen.”

MDCx.x.xIV.--DONE FOR.

TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in a market-place. ”I'll bet you a crown,” said one, ”you don't know what it's for.”--”Done,” said the other. ”_It is for sale_.” The bet was paid.

MDCx.x.xV.--A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.

THOMAS HOOD says: ”Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. _Pints_ cannot be deemed _pot_ations.”

MDCx.x.xVI.--THE DOG TAX.

BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold remarked to Brown, ”Have you heard the rumor that's flying about town?”--”No.”--”Well, they say that Jones _pays the dog-tax for you_.”

MDCx.x.xVII.--A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.

HOOD described a good church minister as ”Piety _parsonified_.”

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