Part 78 (2/2)

MCDIII.--THE LAME BEGGAR.

”I AM unable,” yonder beggar cries, ”To _stand or move_.” If he says true, he _lies_.

MCDIV.--HOLLAND'S FUNERAL.

HOLLAND, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: ”You see what a snug family vault we have made here.”--”_Family vault_!” said Foote, with tears trickling down his cheeks, ”I thought it had been a family _oven_.”

MCDV.--PRETTY.

HOPE is the dream of those who are awake.

MCDVI.--NOT IMPROBABLE.

A CERTAIN young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and crowded a.s.sembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of the whole company, ”How it happened that the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age?” To which question the clergyman replied, ”_Perhaps they took no physic_.”

MCDVII.--SOUGHT AND FOUND.

THREE conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, pa.s.sing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry. ”Good-morrow, father Abraham,” said one; ”Good-morrow, father Isaac,” said the next; ”Good-morrow, father Jacob,”

cried the last. ”I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob,” replied the old gentleman, ”but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father's _a.s.ses_, and lo! here I have found them.”

MCDVIII.--NO REDEEMING VIRTUE.

”PRAY, does it always rain in this hanged place, Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows?”

”No, please your grace,”

Cried Boniface, With some grimace, ”_Sometimes it snows_.”

MCDIX.--A REMARKABLE ECHO.

A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an a.s.s bray, interrupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, ”One at a time, Mr.

Curran, if you please.” The speech being finished, the judge began his charge, and during its progress the a.s.s sent forth the full force of its lungs; whereupon the advocate said, ”Does not your lords.h.i.+p hear a remarkable _echo in the court_?”

MCDX.--A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER.

THE father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor, and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom she secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it he was furious. ”Have I not,” he exclaimed, ”dared you to marry a player?” The lady replied, with downcast eyes, that she had not disobeyed. ”What, madam! have you not allied yourself to about the worst performer in my company?”--”Exactly so,” murmured the timid bride; ”n.o.body can call _him_ an actor.”

MCDXI.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.

FRANKLIN was once asked, ”What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity?” The philosopher answered the question by another, ”What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?”

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