Part 69 (2/2)
MCCx.x.xVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.
A WORTHY Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as ”Priest Matheson,” and universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission in Aberdeens.h.i.+re, and for a long time made his journeys on a piebald pony, the priest and his ”Pyet Shelty” sharing an affectionate recognition wherever they came. On one occasion, however, he made his appearance on a steed of a different description, and pa.s.sing near a Seceding meeting-house, he forgathered with the minister, who, after the usual kindly greetings, missing the familiar pony, said, ”Ou, priest! fat's come o' the auld Pyet?”--”He's deid, minister.”--”Weel, he was an auld faithfu' servant, and ye wad nae doot gie him the offices o' the Church?”--”Na, minister,” said his friend, not quite liking this allusion to his priestly offices, ”I didna dee that, for ye see he _turned Seceder afore he deed, an' I buried him like a beast_.” He then rode quietly away.
MCCx.x.xIX.--CREDIT.
AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's description of a man who ”muddled away his fortune in paying his tradesmen's bills”; Lord Orford's definition of timber, ”an excrescence on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of debts”; and Pelham's argument, that it is _respectable to be arrested_, because it shows that the party once had credit.
MCCXL.--SEEING NOT BELIEVING.
A LADY'S-MAID told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins together. ”Dear me!” said the lady, ”didn't they _kill you_?”
MCCXLI.--SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER.
A BON-VIVANT, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine, after having been told that he could not in all human probability survive many hours, and would die by eight o clock next morning, exerted the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, and said, with the true spirit of a gambler, ”doctor, I'll bet you a bottle I _live till nine_!”
MCCXLII.--BURKE'S TEDIOUSNESS.
THOUGH upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters as much as any man the faculty of tiring his auditors. During the latter years of his life the failing gained so much upon him, that he more than once dispersed the house, a circ.u.mstance which procured him the nickname of the Dinner-bell. A gentleman was one day going into the House, when he was surprised to meet a great number of people coming out in a body. ”Is the House up?” said he: ”No,” answered one of the fugitives, ”but Mr.
Burke _is up_.”
MCCXLIII.--VERY LIKE EACH OTHER.
IT appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas, not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, ”which Dr. Thomas do you mean?”--”Dr. John Thomas.”--”They are both named John.”--”Dr. Thomas who has a living in the city.”--”They have both livings in the city.”--”Dr.
Thomas who is chaplain to the king.”--”They are both chaplains to the king.”--”Dr. Thomas who is a very good preacher.”--”They are both good preachers.”--”Dr. Thomas who squints.”--”They both squint.” They were afterwards both Bishops.
MCCXLIV.--FORTUNATE STARS.
”MY stars!” cried a courtier, with stars and lace twirled, ”What homage we n.o.bles command in the world!”
”True, my lord,” said a wag, ”though the world has its jars, _Some people_ owe much to their _fortunate stars_!”
MCCXLV.--A NEW READING.
TOWARDS the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace the following pa.s.sage:--
”Lusisti satis, edisti satis, atque bibisti: Tempus abire tibi est.”
”Pray, Sir Robert,” said one of his friends, ”is that good Latin?”--”I think so,” answered Sir. Robert; ”what objection have you to it?”--”Why,” said the other dryly, ”I did not know but the word might be _bribe-isti_ in your Horace.”
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