Part 67 (1/2)
MCXCI.--BURKE AND FOX.
MR. BURKE, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented his making a motion for an investigation into the conduct of Lord Sandwich, said, ”No one laments Mr. Fox's illness more than I do; and I declare that if he should continue ill, the inquiry into the conduct of the first Lord of the Admiralty should not be proceeded upon; and, should the country suffer so serious a calamity as his death, it ought to be followed up earnestly and solemnly; nay, of so much consequence is the inquiry to the public, that no bad use would be made of the skin of my departed friend, (should such, alas! be his fate!) if, like that of John Zisca, it should be converted _into a drum_, and used for the purpose of sounding an alarm to the people of England.”
MCXCII.--TRYING TO THE TEMPER.
LORD ALLEN, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed: ”I never put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the blade.”--”No doubt of it,” replied Rogers; ”show me the blade that is _not out of temper_ when plunged into _hot water_.”
MCXCIII.--HAVING A CALL.
MR. DUNLOP, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was expected; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of refreshment, proposed that he should take his tea before engaging in _exercises_, and said she would soon have it ready. Mr. Dunlop replied, ”I aye tak' my tea better when my wark's dune. I'll just be gaun on. Ye can hing the pan on, an' lea' the door ajar, an' I'll draw to a close in the prayer when I hear the _haam fizzin'_.”
MCXCIV.--A WILL AND AWAY.
IT was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by the neighbors on the gross impropriety of such conduct. ”Sure,” said he, ”it's the will; I'm ordered to _divide_ the house betune myself and my brother, so I've taken the _inside_ and given him the _outside_.”
MCXCV.--A WINDY MINISTER.
IN one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for the sickle. A minister, in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants in prayer as follows:--”Send us wind, no a rantin', tantin', tearin'
wind, but a noohin' (noughin?), soughin', winnin' wind.” More expressive words than these could not be found in any language.
MCXCVI.--READY RECKONER.
THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they were met with the curt reply: ”Never mind, if you can't do it, I'll send you half-a-dozen _pay sergeants_ that will,”--a hint that they did not fail to take.
MCXCVII.--A ”DISTANT” FRIEND.
MEETING a negro on the road, a traveller said, ”You have lost some of your friends, I see?”--”Yes, ma.s.sa.”--”Was it a near or a distant relative?”--”Well, purty distant,--_'bout twenty-four mile_,” was the reply.
MCXCVIII.--TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.
”HO! Tommy,” bawls Type, to a brother in trade, ”The ministry are to be _changed_, it is said.”
”That's good,” replied Tom, ”but it better would be With a trifling erratum.”--”What?”--”Dele the _c_.”
MCXCIX.--A NAMELESS MAN.
A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. ”My name,” replied the man, ”is the same as my father's.”--”And what is his name?” said the gentleman. ”It is the same as mine.”--”Then what are both your names?”--”Why, they _are both alike_,” answered the man again, and very deliberately walked off.
MCC.--AN INSURMOUNTABLE DIFFICULTY.
BOOTH, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, ”I like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,--_I can't get over your nose_!”--”No wonder, madam,” replied he, ”the bridge is gone!”