Part 51 (1/2)

”Not at all myself,” says the tragedian. ”Then I congratulate you,”

replied Fawcett; ”for, be whoever _else_ you will, _you_ will be a gainer by the bargain.”

CMII.--THE DIRECT ROAD.

WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: ”Can you tell us the way to the 'Judge and Jury?'” (a place of low entertainment). ”_Keep on as you are_, young gentleman,” was the reply, ”you're sure to _overtake them_.”

CMIII.--A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.

JERROLD was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,--a jovial spendthrift.

”Well, Jerrold,” said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, ”what do you think of my grays?”

”To tell you the truth,” Jerrold replied, ”I was just thinking of your duns!”

CMIV.--DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.

WHEN Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, ”Sir, she is a prodigiously fine woman.”--”Yes,” replied Dr. Glover; ”but don't you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by art?”--”Sir,” said Dr. Johnson, ”on the stage _art_ does not adorn her: _nature adorns_ her there, and _art glorifies_ her.”

CMV.--A GOOD NEIGHBOR.

THE Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: ”I had much rather,”

said he, ”have _friends_ than hares.”

CMVI.--AN EQUIVOCATION.

A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: ”Sir, I hear you have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?”--”No, sir,” said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. ”I never said you were a pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were _little Else_.”

CMVII.--A WISE FOOL.

A PERSON wis.h.i.+ng to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not so foolish as he seemed,--knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny, and offered him his choice. ”I'll tak' the _wee_ ane,” he says, giving as his modest reason, ”I'se no' be greedy.” At another time, a miller, laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, ”Some things I ken, and some I dinna ken.” On being asked what he knew, he said, ”I ken a miller has _aye a gey fat sou_.”--”An' what d'ye no ken?” said the miller.

”Ou,” he returned, ”I dinna ken at wha's _expense_ she's fed.”

CMVIII.--ON A BALD HEAD.

MY hair and I are quit, d'ye see; I first cut _him_, he now cuts _me_.

CMIX.--LIE FOR LIE.

TWO gentlemen standing together, as a young lady pa.s.sed by them, one said, ”There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw.” She turned back, and, seeing him very ugly, said, ”I wish I could, in return, say as much of you.”--”So you may, madam,” said he, ”and _lie_ as I _did_.”

CMX.--A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.