Part 45 (1/2)

SERJEANT MAYNARD, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law an ”_ars bablativa_.”

DCCXCV.--EPIGRAM.

(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)

THE Whigs, because they rat and change To Toryism, all must spurn; Yet in the fact there's nothing strange, That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn.

DCCXCVI.--DRINKING ALONE.

THE author of the ”Parson's Daughter,” when surprised one evening in his arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologized, by saying, ”When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round _so_ often.” On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreish, on being asked, ”Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without a.s.sistance?” answered, ”No--not quite that--I had the _a.s.sistance_ of a bottle of Madeira.”

DCCXCVII.--A MUSICAL BLOW-UP.

THE Rev. Mr. B----, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the _spoils_ into the _sound-holes_ of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a quant.i.ty of gunpowder into B----'s instrument. The tea equipage being removed, music became the order of the evening, and B---- dashed away at Vanhall's 47th. B---- came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed, and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place--_fit fragor_, and bang went the fiddle to pieces.

DCCXCVIII.--READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT.

WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:--

”Difficulties in the way! Absurd. They have only to put their heads together, and there is the wood pavement.”

This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith.

DCCXCIX.--PROPER DISTINCTION.

AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been there many minutes, when Dr. ---- entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, ”whether he knew who he was?” at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. ----. ”That,”

replied the undergraduate, ”is impossible; for Dr. ---- is a _gentleman_, and you are a _blackguard_!”

DCCC.--GRACEFUL EXCUSE.

WILLIAM IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to ”take away that marine there,” pointing to an empty bottle. ”Your majesty!” inquired a colonel of marines, ”do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our branch of the service?”--”Yes,” replied the monarch, as if a sudden thought had struck him; ”I mean to say it has _done its duty_ once, and is ready to do it again.”

DCCCI.--SLACK PAYMENT.

EXAMINING a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked, ”Did he not give you the coals, friend?”--”He did, sir, but--”--”But what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment _slack_?”

DCCCII.--WAY OF USING BOOKS.

STERNE used to say, ”The most accomplished way of using books is to serve them as some people do lords, learn their _t.i.tles_ and then _brag_ of their acquaintance.”

DCCCIII.--PATRICK HENRY.