Part 7 (1/2)

A LEARNED counsel in the Exchequer spoke of a _nolle prosequi_.

”Consider, sir,” said Baron Alderson, ”that this is the last day of term, and don't make things _unnecessarily long_.”

CXXV.--IN SUSPENSE.

THE sloth, in its wild state, spends its life in trees, and never leaves them but from force or accident. The eagle to the sky, the mole to the ground, the sloth to the tree; but what is most extraordinary, he lives not _upon_ the branches, but _under_ them. He moves suspended, rests suspended, sleeps suspended, and pa.s.ses his life in suspense,--like a young clergyman _distantly related_ to a bishop.

CXXVI.--PORSON'S VISIT TO THE CONTINENT.

SOON after Professor Porson returned from a visit to the Continent, at a party where he happened to be present, a gentleman solicited a sketch of his journey. Porson immediately gave the following extemporaneous one:

”I went to Frankfort and got drunk With that most learned professor, Brunck; I went to Worts and got more drunken With that more learned professor, Ruhnken.”

CXXVII.--ARTIFICIAL HEAT.

THE late Lord Kelly had a very red face. ”Pray, my lord,” said Foote to him, ”come and _look over_ my garden-wall,--my cuc.u.mbers are very backward.”

CXXVIII.--OUTWARD APPEARANCE.

MAN is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark.

CXXIX.--THE TWO SMITHS.

A GENTLEMAN, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share the letters equally between the two. ”This is intolerable, sir,” said our friend, ”and you must quit.”--”Why am I to quit more than you?”--”Because you are James the Second--and must _abdicate_.”

Cx.x.x.--SAGE ADVICE.

THE advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing him to a regular Tipperary row, was, ”Wherever you see a head, _hit it_.”

Cx.x.xI.--THE PURSER.

LADY HARDWICKE, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he did, and what _he_ got _she_ saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is carried is of very expensive embroidery, and was provided, during his time, every year. Lady Hardwicke took care that it should not be provided for the seal-bearer's profit, for she annually retained them herself, having previously ordered that the velvet should be of the length of one of the state rooms at Wimpole. So many of them were saved, that at length she had enough to hang the state-room, and make curtains for the bed. Lord Hardwicke used to say, ”There was not such a _purser_ in the navy.”

Cx.x.xII.--A FOREIGN ACCENT.

WHEN Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord Justice asked him, ”Hae you ony counsel, mon?”--”No.”--”Do you want to hae ony appointed?”--”I only want an interpreter to make me _understand_ what your lords.h.i.+ps say.”

Cx.x.xIII--EASY AS LYING.

ERSKINE, examining a b.u.mptious fellow, asked him, if he were not a rider? ”I'm a traveller, sir,” replied the witness, with an air of offended importance. ”Indeed, sir. And, pray, are you addicted to the _failing_ usually attributed to travellers?”

Cx.x.xIV.--NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.