Part 5 (1/2)

”I LIVE in Julia's eyes,” said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. ”I don't wonder at it,” replied George; ”since I observed she had a _sty_ in them when I saw her last.”

Lx.x.xVI.--A LIGHT STUDY.

AS a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said, ”Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?”--”No, sir,” replied the alderman, ”I am studying _gas-tronomy_.”

Lx.x.xVII.--A CLIMAX.

A VERY volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were numberless, at last married. ”Now, my lord,” said the countess, ”I hope you'll mend.”--”Madam,” says he, ”you may depend on it this is _my last folly_.”

Lx.x.xVIII.--SIMPLE DIVISION.

WHEN the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the chancellor asked him, ”How many legs has a sheep?”--”Does your lords.h.i.+p mean,” answered Lord Bradford, ”a live sheep or a dead sheep?”--”Is it not the same thing?” said the chancellor. ”No, my lord,” said Lord Bradford, ”there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a dead sheep has only two: the two fore legs are shoulders; but there are but _two legs of mutton_.”

Lx.x.xIX.--HERO-PHOBIA.

WHEN George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe, some one observed that the General was mad. ”Oh! he is mad, is he!” said the king, with great quickness, ”then I wish he would _bite_ some other of my generals.”

XC.--LYING CONSISTENTLY.

TWO old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, ”Madam, I am come to know how _old_ we are to be this year.”

XCI.--NOT RIGHT.

A PRISONER being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up his left hand. ”Hold up your _right_ hand,” said the clerk. ”Please your honor,” said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, ”I am _left-handed_.”

XCII.--LIGHT-HEADED.

DR. BURNEY, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his victory of the Nile, ”Honor est a Nilo” (Horatio Nelson), was shortly after on a visit to his lords.h.i.+p, at his beautiful villa at Merton. From his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a nightcap into his portmanteau, and consequently borrowed one from his lords.h.i.+p. Before retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice, having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it in flames; he immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned them with the following lines:--

”Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire, I would not retain it a minute; What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's _fire_, Is sure to be instantly _in it_.”

XCIII.--”HE LIES LIKE TRUTH.”

A PERSON who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. ”As a proof of the possibility of it,” said he, ”I have known some negroes that thought as little of a _lie_ or an _oath_ as any European.”

XCIV.--HAND AND GLOVE.

A DYER, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that was all black; ”Take off your _glove_, friend,” said the judge to him.

”Put on your _spectacles_, my lord,” answered the dyer.