Part 41 (1/2)
But now, how clear it all became to me! I could understand many strange things about the character of this singular woman, her whims, her unaccountable moods, her seeming carelessness, yet, withal, her dignity and sweetness and air of breeding--above all her mysteriousness. Let others judge her for themselves. There was only longing in my heart that I might find some word of comfort. What could comfort her? Was not life, indeed, for her to remain a perpetual tragedy?
”But, Madam,” said I, at length, ”you must not wrong your father and your mother and yourself. These two loved each other devotedly. Well, what more? You are the result of a happy marriage. You are beautiful, you are splendid, by that reason.”
”Perhaps. Even when I was sixteen, I was beautiful,” she mused. ”I have heard rumors of that. But I say to you that then I was only a beautiful animal. Also, I was a vicious animal I had in my heart all the malice which my mother never spoke. I felt in my soul the wish to injure women, to punish men, to torment them, to make them pay! To set even those balances of torture!--ah, that was my ambition! I had not forgotten that, when I first met you, when I first heard of--her, the woman whom you love, whom already in your savage strong way you have wedded--the woman whose vows I spoke with her--I--I, Helena von Ritz, with history such as mine!
”Father, father,”--she turned to him swiftly; ”rise--go! I can not now speak before you. Leave us alone until I call!”
Obedient as though he had been the child and she the parent, the old man rose and tottered feebly from the room.
”There are things a woman can not say in the presence of a parent,” she said, turning to me. Her face twitched. ”It takes all my bravery to talk to you.”
”Why should you? There is not need. Do not!”
”Ah, I must, because it is fair,” said she. ”I have lost, lost! I told you I would pay my wager.”
After a time she turned her face straight toward mine and went on with her old splendid bravery.
”So, now, you see, when I was young and beautiful I had rank and money.
I had brains. I had hatred of men. I had contempt for the aristocracy.
My heart was peasant after all. My principles were those of the republican. Revolution was in my soul, I say. Thwarted, distorted, wretched, unscrupulous, I did what I could to make h.e.l.l for those who had made h.e.l.l for us. I have set dozens of men by the ears. I have been promised in marriage to I know not how many. A dozen men have fought to the death in duels over me. For each such death I had not even a thought. The more troubles I made, the happier I was. Oh, yes, in time I became known--I had a reputation; there is no doubt of that.
”But still the organized aristocracy had its revenge--it had its will of me, after all. There came to me, as there had to my mother, an imperial order. In punishment for my fancies and vagaries, I was condemned to marry a certain n.o.bleman. That was the whim of the new emperor, Ferdinand, the degenerate. He took the throne when I was but sixteen years of age. He chose for me a degenerate mate from his own sort.” She choked, now.
”You did marry him?”
She nodded. ”Yes. Debauche, rake, monster, degenerate, product of that aristocracy which had oppressed us, I was obliged to marry him, a man three times my age! I pleaded. I begged. I was taken away by night. I was--I was--They say I was married to him. For myself, I did not know where I was or what happened. But after that they said that I was the wife of this man, a sot, a monster, the memory only of manhood. Now, indeed, the revenge of the aristocracy was complete!”
She went on at last in a voice icy cold. ”I fled one night, back to Hungary. For a month they could not find me. I was still young. I saw my people then as I had not before. I saw also the monarchies of Europe.
Ah, now I knew what oppression meant! Now I knew what cla.s.s distinction and special privileges meant! I saw what ruin it was spelling for our country--what it will spell for your country, if they ever come to rule here. Ah, then that dream came to me which had come to my father, that beautiful dream which justified me in everything I did. My friend, can it--can it in part justify me--now?
”For the first time, then, I resolved to live! I have loved my father ever since that time. I pledged myself to continue that work which he had undertaken! I pledged myself to better the condition of humanity if I might.
”There was no hope for me. I was condemned and ruined as it was. My life was gone. Such as I had left, that I resolved to give to--what shall we call it?-the _idee democratique_.
”Now, may G.o.d rest my mother's soul, and mine also, so that some time I may see her in another world--I pray I may be good enough for that some time. I have not been sweet and sinless as was my mother. Fate laid a heavier burden upon me. But what remained with me throughout was the idea which my father had bequeathed me--”
”Ah, but also that beauty and sweetness and loyalty which came to you from your mother,” I insisted.
She shook her head. ”Wait!” she said. ”Now they pursued me as though I had been a criminal, and they took me back--hors.e.m.e.n about me who did as they liked. I was, I say, a sacrifice. News of this came to that man who was my husband. They shamed him into fighting. He had not the courage of the n.o.bles left. But he heard of one n.o.bleman against whom he had a special grudge; and him one night, foully and unfairly, he murdered.
”News of that came to the Emperor. My husband was tried, and, the case being well known to the public, it was necessary to convict him for the sake of example. Then, on the day set for his beheading, the Emperor reprieved him. The hour for the execution pa.s.sed, and, being now free for the time, he fled the country. He went to Africa, and there he so disgraced the state that bore him that of late times I hear he has been sent for to come back to Austria. Even yet the Emperor may suspend the reprieve and send him to the block for his ancient crime. If he had a thousand heads, he could not atone for the worse crimes he has done!
”But of him, and of his end, I know nothing. So, now, you see, I was and am wed, and yet am not wed, and never was. I do not know what I am, nor who I am. After all, I can not tell you who I am, or what I am, because I myself do not know.
”It was now no longer safe for me in my own country. They would not let me go to my father any more. As for him, he went on with his studies, some part of his mind being bright and clear. They did not wish him about the court now. All these matters were to be hushed up. The court of England began to take cognizance of these things. Our government was scandalized. They sent my father, on pretext of scientific errands, into one country and another--to Sweden, to England, to Africa, at last to America. Thus it happened that you met him. You must both have been very near to meeting me in Montreal. It was fate, as we of Hungary would say.
”As for me, I was no mere hare-brained radical. I did not go to Russia, did not join the revolutionary circles of Paris, did not yet seek out Prussia. That is folly. My father was right. It must be the years, it must be the good heritage, it must be the good environment, it must be even opportunity for all, which alone can produce good human beings! In short, believe me, a victim, _the hope of the world is in a real democracy_. Slowly, gradually, I was coming to believe that.”
She paused a moment. ”Then, one time, Monsieur,--I met you, here in this very room! G.o.d pity me! You were the first man I had ever seen. G.o.d pity me!--I believe I--loved you--that night, that very first night! We are friends. We are brave. You are man and gentleman, so I may say that, now. I am no longer woman. I am but sacrifice.