Part 17 (1/2)

”Christmas? What's that?”

2.30.

Pinchbeck has arrived, ”Right, off you go.”

Pinchbeck and I had both lived in India, and often conversed in Urdu.

”Kitna Budgi hai.”

”Sara dho,” says Pinchbeck.

”Shabash.”

Lt. Price looks up. ”I think we have a couple of wog deserters here,” he says to Deans.

”Shall I search them for Curry Powder, sir?”

Where is that Edgington? That Edgington is in a cave. A strange affair, the entrance hole is but the size of a man but within we see the entire Monkey crew spread around the commodious interior. He is of course clutched in his writing fever, he holds up his hand, a signal that I am to remain silent, he scribes on. I imitate a violin playing hearts and flowers, he is unamused, he is apparently in a self-hypnotic trance where he can almost feel the presence of his beloved Peg. At the start of my music he looks up with a strained s.e.xual look, part Lochinvar, part Svengali and part-time soldier. His lovely head again bends to the letter as he finalises it with myriad kisses.

”You mustn't get yourself into these states, Gunner Edgington, it's not good for you, you'll get lumps in yer groins that can only be reduced by the cool hand of the temple maiden with a pot of starters.” Question: What is 'starters'? Well, dear reader, it is a naval term for a pot of Vaseline. It should be self-explanatory. If you can't explain it to yourself a call to the Admiralty PR Department should clarify the situation, as 70 per cent of the officers are Gay up there. He licks the edge of the Airmail and sticks it together.

”Well,” he finally deigns to speak, ”that's that.”

”That is is that,” I agreed, ”and that,” I agreed, ”and this this-” I pointed to my ear ”-is this, also.” I pointed at the fingers on my left hand. ”Those are those.”

He could not stay grim for long. He smiled. ”Ahhhhh, there's there's a good boy,” I said, ”diddums is smiling.” a good boy,” I said, ”diddums is smiling.”

”Diddums will give Mummy a nice little kick in the cobblers in a minute...ahhh!” He has a complete change of mood. ”I've got a new tune, mate!” We were on common ground.

He hums the first chord to give me the key, then sings the melody, occasionally dropping in a few harmonic notes. Like all his tunes it's beautifully melodic.

”The words,” he mused, ”will be something like-” He sang, ”Remember, how we kissed in the Autumn, September turning green things into auburn.”

I was never to hear the completed tune until the year 1956 at his home in Wood Green. I am standing in the half-light of the cave, listening to Edgington singing this tune, when there enters one unromantic Pedlar Palmer from Devon's sh.o.r.es, a true 'Urzlom-Burzlom'.

”Ahhh,” he says.

Why a man wants to say 'Ahhh' is beyond me.

”Where has the great Swede basher who says 'Ahhhh' been hiding?” I said.

”The great Swede basher,” he replies, ”has been getting his Naafi.” He starts to empty his pockets. Toothpaste. A new toothbrush, three bars of chocolate, a packet of Wrigley's chewing gum, a packet of Beecham Powders, pot of vaseline, and powers that be!! a dozen pairs of bootlaces. ”Well,” he explains, ”after the war there'll be a shortage of them, you see, and I'm not going to be caught walking round Devon with no laces in me boots.”

As there was no bootlace drought after the War, I can only imagine that Pedlar Palmer now lives in a home crammed with World War 2 Naafi bootlaces. He could have started a panic. I mean, a man rushes into the tent and says, ”There's going to be a post-war shortage of denture fixative.” Men run out and start buying it to open post-war Denture Fixative Shops and making a fortune. They would rupture themselves carrying kitbags and big packs bursting with tins of denture fixatives across Italy. Imagine the Germans! they take prisoners who appear to own nothing but sacks of dental fixatives, to live on.

HITLER:.

Dental Fixative, hein?

ROMMEL:.

Ya, mein Fuhrer.

HITLER:.

It is a trap.

ROMMEL:.

Trap?

HITLER:.

Ya, einer dental fixative trap!

ROMMEL:.

How does it work?

HITLER:.

Ve don't know yet, but ve vill soon. I haff arranged for zer 14th Panzer Regiment to haff all zeir teeth taken out, and make mit zer false choppers using zer captured British Dental Fix Mix...soon ve vill know what zer secret is! Panzer Regiment to haff all zeir teeth taken out, and make mit zer false choppers using zer captured British Dental Fix Mix...soon ve vill know what zer secret is!