Part 17 (1/2)
”So it would seem,” she agrees, falling silent for a long moment. ”What did you hope to prove anyway?”
”I don't know.” I shrug, taking another long drink of beer. ”I guess I just hoped she'd stop finding excuses not to commit to me.”
”Do you blame her?” Her question pulls my gaze back to her face. I expect to see a look of judgment or at the very least one of distaste; what I see instead is understanding.
”I get it, Gavin,” she continues. ”You love her. You're ready for more. But you have to understand that for a girl like Harlee, more can be a very scary thing. Especially when it's with someone like you.” She laughs when I arch my eyebrows. ”Relax, I don't mean that in a bad way. You know I love you.”
”Why do I get the feeling a but is about to come out of your mouth.”
”But.” She laughs before continuing. ”You aren't the most open person in the world, and you do have a bit of a reputation as a player.” She seems almost apologetic by her statement. ”Did you ever consider that this was never about Bryan? That Bryan was just Harlee's way of buying herself more time where you're concerned?”
”Is that what she told you?” I question.
”She hasn't told me anything. Not really.” She shrugs. ”I don't even know if she's figured this out for herself yet. But I know her well enough to know when she's stalling.” She pauses, clearly choosing her next words wisely. ”Has she ever told you about her parents? About her childhood?”
”Bits and pieces. I know her mom pa.s.sed. I know her dad lives close by. I know she doesn't have any siblings. Is there something else?” I ask, seeing the look of realization as it crosses her face.
”Gavin, Harlee's mom didn't just die, she overdosed. She was a drug addict. And what's worse, Harlee is the one who found her. Can you imagine being ten-years-old and walking in to find your mother sprawled out on the floor no longer breathing?”
”I had no idea,” I admit, trying to calm the sudden rush of sadness I feel at the thought.
”And her dad does live close by, as in Oregon State Penitentiary close.” She ignores my clear surprise and continues. ”When Harlee was fifteen, he was arrested for armed robbery and sentenced to ten years.”
”Why wouldn't she tell me this?” I question, confused and honestly a little hurt that I have to hear this from Kimber instead of Harlee herself.
”Is that something you would walk around announcing, especially to someone you're falling in love with? She's embarra.s.sed, Gavin. Her aunt Joy took her in afterward. Her father's much younger sister,” she clarifies. ”Joy has been more of a mom to Harlee in the last four years than her real mom ever was. But this isn't a sad story, Gavin. I'm not trying to spin you some tail about how horrible her childhood was. I'm just trying to give you a better understanding of where she comes from. She has a harder time trusting than most, and I've found that she tends to make excuses when it comes to committing herself to anything. I think at the end of the day, she's just afraid to open herself up to the unpredictability of a real relations.h.i.+p.”
”Yet she's with Bryan?” I interject.
”And look at that relations.h.i.+p.” She rolls her eyes. ”If she felt even half for Bryan what she feels for you, she never would have even looked at another man, let alone be sleeping with one on the side. Bryan is safe for her. He's kind and sweet and doesn't ask too much of her. Deep down she knows he can't hurt her because she doesn't love him. Instead, he's her armor. She's hiding behind him.”
”So when I asked her to shed her armor...” I start.
”She panicked.” Kimber finishes my sentence. ”I don't doubt that she likes Bryan, but I knew almost immediately that their relations.h.i.+p stemmed from her feelings for you. I knew it when she suddenly went from obsessing over you to dating him out of the blue. Harlee hasn't ever really had a steady relations.h.i.+p, at least not from what she's told me. And then all of a sudden she's dating some guy, whose direction she wouldn't even look in a few weeks ago. And it all lines up with when you came into her life. I refuse to believe that's just coincidence. Bryan is more her s.h.i.+eld than her actual boyfriend.”
”I don't get it, though. Why s.h.i.+eld herself from me, if that's what she's actually doing? I've been nothing but upfront with her. She knows what I want.” I finish off my beer before sliding the gla.s.s to the edge of the bar. ”I'm not playing her. I'm not playing games. I f.u.c.king love the girl.”
”I know you do.” She reaches out, patting my forearm with her hand. ”But take it from someone who's been there, loving a man is hard enough; loving someone you're convinced will eventually break your heart is something else entirely. It's hard to really put yourself out there when you're certain you already know the outcome.”
”Then why choose to love that person at all?” I ask, nodding when Val slides a fresh beer across the bar to me.
”Because it's not a choice. Did you choose to love Harlee?”
”No,” I answer truthfully.
”Exactly. It just happens. Harlee loves you, Gavin. I know you know that. You are who she wants. I know you know that, too. But you can't force her into something she's not ready for. All you can do is show her that she's worth waiting for.”
”Like you did with Decklan,” I state, knowing first-hand how determined this girl was when it came to holding on to Deck no matter how hard he tried to push her away.
”In a way, yes. I knew he loved me. I also knew he was going through something I didn't fully understand. Don't get me wrong, there were times that I wanted to walk away. Times when I convinced myself that life without him would simply be easier. But at the end of the day, easy was never what I wanted. I wanted him. No matter how many ups and downs we had, no matter how many secrets he kept or how often I wanted to force them out of him. Not one of those things made me love him any less. In fact, they made me love him more. That's how I knew it was real. There was nothing I wasn't willing to sacrifice for his happiness, and there still isn't. That's what love is really all about. Wanting what's best for the other person even if it directly conflicts with your own happiness.”
”But what happens when the person's happiness you value above your own is being restricted by themselves? What if they are standing in the way of their own happiness and are just too blind to realize it? What then?” I spin my stool slightly so that I can face Kimber straight on.
”Then I guess it's your job to make them see it.” Her response is instant. ”But just make sure that you're doing it for her and not for yourself.”
”What if I'm doing it for both?”
”Why do I get the feeling you're planning something?” she questions, her pretty face turning suddenly accusatory.
”Because I am.”
”I say this because I love both of you. Be careful. Even when you set out to do things for the right reason, it can still blow up in your face. You have to make sure you can live with either outcome.”
”I won't live without her. Honestly, I don't f.u.c.king know if I can.”
”Then you better make d.a.m.n sure you know what you're doing,” she warns.
”f.u.c.k. I don't know anything when it comes to that girl,” I admit.
”Funny, she said the same thing about you.”
”I thought when I demanded that she call Bryan with me sitting next to her that she would. I thought for sure when she refused that she'd eventually agree. I thought when I pushed her away it would make her see just how serious I am about this, and she would realize I was right. You see how well that's worked out.” I sigh, drinking half of my beer in one large gulp before setting the gla.s.s back onto the bar.
”h.e.l.l, now she probably wants nothing to f.u.c.king do with me,” I tack on.
”That couldn't be further from the truth.”
”Why do you say that?” I ask when she makes no attempt to explain.
”Harlee hasn't called you, but that's not because she hasn't wanted to. She truly believes she's pushed you too far and you're done with her. She spent so much time convincing herself that eventually you would walk away; once you did, I think she just accepted that there wasn't anything she could do to change it.”
”f.u.c.k. I really f.u.c.ked this one up, didn't I?” I rest my elbows against the bar, dropping my head into my hands.
”I actually see where you were coming from. It can't be easy loving someone you feel like you have to share with someone else. I'm surprised you've let it go on as long as you have.”
”I was trying to win her heart before I forced her hand.”
”Well, you've definitely won her heart. Question is, what are you going to do now?”
”Force her hand.” I let out a small laugh when Kimber c.o.c.ks a brow.
”Didn't you try that already?” She shakes her head at me. ”How's that working out for you again?”
”This time, it won't be me demanding the answers.” I sit back, turning my head toward Kimber.
”I don't think I want to know,” she says, shaking her head.