Part 33 (1/2)
”Then--Why? I _don't_ understand!”
”Ah, Teresa, neither did I... That's the pity of it. It was a mistake from the beginning. I was lonely, and I wanted a wife, and I liked you better than any of the other girls. I was honestly fond of you, dear.
I am now,--but, Teresa! it was affection, not love. I had no idea what that meant.--It is only the last few days that I have known... There is a world of difference between the two things.”
The colour flamed in Teresa's cheeks.
”There _is_ a world of difference. One is right. The other is--sin!
It is wicked to love your friend's wife.”
Dane's lips twisted in a grim smile.
”It is a misfortune, Teresa, a horrible misfortune for us all, but there is nothing that could possibly be called wicked about it, as matters stand to-day. Don't be too hard on me. I am about as miserable as a man can be. There seems no way out of it. I'd give everything I possess, if I could go back and be as I was when we were first engaged, content and happy, with the prospect of happiness to come.”
”I _did_ make you happy for a time, then, even though it wasn't--the best?” Teresa's face relaxed from its hard composure; a faint twitching showed at the corner of the mouth. ”Dane! what was it? Tell me! I must know. What was it made you love her more? She's beautiful, but I'm pretty too, and so much younger, and she wears lovely clothes, but you liked me to be simple; and she's clever and amusing--sometimes! but other times she's quite dull, and we had always plenty to say, you and I. I took an interest in all you did.”
Dane's sigh was compounded of pity for Teresa, and for himself at the memory of that ”interest.” It was true that she had questioned him ceaselessly about his affairs, and had on frequent occasions offered advice concerning their management. He had been mildly bored, mildly amused; looking back on his intercourse with _his fiancee_, a contented boredom seemed to have been his normal condition. And she compared herself with Ca.s.sandra, wanted--pitiful heavens! to have the difference defined. He shook his head in dumb helplessness, but Teresa's flat voice obstinately repeated the request.
”Dane! You must tell me _why_?”
”Teresa, it's impossible. Good G.o.d, don't you realise how impossible it is? Why did you care for me instead of other fellows, younger, better looking--that young Hunter, for example?”
”Mr Hunter never paid me any attention.”
”You mean to say,” he stared at her blankly, ”that if he had, if _any_ man had--”
But at that she showed a wholesome anger.
”You know I don't. You know I would not. At once, from the very beginning I cared for you. I prayed every night of my life that you would love me back. I used to watch for you wherever I went. If I saw you drive past in the dog-cart, I was happy for hours. When you were ill that time I was ill too. They thought it was a chill, but it wasn't, it was misery, and not being able to help. One day there was a b.u.t.ton hanging loose on your coat. I _longed_ to mend it! That's all I wanted,--just to be able to look after you, and mend your things, and make you comfortable, and sit beside you in the evenings and talk, and watch you smoke. I'm old-fas.h.i.+oned and domesticated. Lady Ca.s.sandra used to laugh at me, and call me Victorian and men laugh too. They say they like old-fas.h.i.+oned girls, but they don't. They may be 'fond' of them, as you are fond of me, but they get tired, and then--then... they meet the Ca.s.sandras... and forget everything! duty, faithfulness-- honour--”
”There is no loss of honour in this case, Teresa. That is one of the things you must not say. This is a bad enough business for us all-- don't make it worse than it is! There has been no deceit, no double dealing. It was only two days ago that I realised how things were, and then I determined to leave. It was that accident which took us unawares.”
Before he realised his slip, Teresa had pounced upon the word.
”_Us_! You mean that? _She_ cares too? How do you know? How do you know?”
”I did not mean to imply anything of the kind,” Peignton said sternly, and his eyes sent forth a warning flash. Not for the world would he have answered, not for a hundred worlds have confessed to a living creature--the wondrous, incredible fact that even in her deadly exhaustion Ca.s.sandra had understood, and responded to his love. Her eyes had met his, her lips had moved, the tiny flutterings of movement had brought her nearer to his heart. He knew that her spirit had responded, and through all the bristling difficulties of the moment the knowledge brought joy. ”We will leave Lady Ca.s.sandra's name out of the discussion,” he said coldly. ”You are not concerned with her, only with me. It's ba.n.a.l to go on repeating that I'm sorry, you know that well enough. The question now is,--how can we break off our engagement in the way least unpleasant for _you_? It's bound to be unpleasant, but-- things pa.s.s! In a year or two you'll meet another fellow, and look back upon this episode, and be glad that it came to nothing. I'm giving you a lot of trouble, but I've not made a hash of your whole life, as I have of my own... Think of that, Teresa, and try to forgive me!”
”I shall never care for another man while you are unmarried, and I should be miserable living on at home, as Mary has done, year after year, with nothing happening to break the monotony. So you _would_ spoil my life as well as your own. And what would you do living alone?
You are not strong. You said you needed a home. You'll have to leave this place and go away among strangers. You'll be miserable!”
”Very miserable, Teresa!”
”And I shall be miserable too. It's senseless. Dane! will you do something for me--to show that you really are sorry, and to help us both to,--to get over this?”
”I will indeed, Teresa. Only try me.”
”Then marry me at once, and let us go away together to live in another place.”
He stared at her, stunned, incredulous. Of all the wild, impossible requests this was the last which he had expected. He could hardly believe that he had heard aright.
”_Marry_ you? Teresa! You can't mean it. When you know that I love--”