Part 8 (1/2)

”Whate'er be said about my books,” said Dryden, angrily, ”be they read or be they not, 'tis mine they are, and none there be who dare dispute their authors.h.i.+p.”

”Thus proving that men, thank Heaven, are still sane,” e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Doctor Johnson. ”To a.s.sume the authors.h.i.+p of Dryden would be not so much a claim, my friend, as a confession.”

”Shades of the mighty Chow!” cried Confucius. ”An' will ye hear the poets squabble! Egad! A ladies' day could hardly introduce into our midst a more diverting disputation.”

”We're all getting a little high-flown in our phraseology,” put in Shakespeare at this point. ”Let's quit talking in blank-verse and come down to business. _I_ think a ladies' day would be great sport. I'll write a poem to read on the occasion.”

”Then I oppose it with all my heart,” said Doctor Johnson. ”Why do you always want to make our entertainments commonplace? Leave occasional poems to mortals. I never knew an occasional poem yet that was worthy of an immortal.”

”That's precisely why I want to write one occasional poem. I'd make it worthy,” Shakespeare answered. ”Like this, for instance:

_Most fair, most sweet, most beauteous of ladies_, _The greatest charm in all ye realm of Hades_.

Why, my dear Doctor, such an opportunity for rhyming Hades with ladies should not be lost.”

”That just proves what I said,” said Johnson. ”Any idiot can make ladies rhyme with Hades. It requires absolute genius to avoid the temptation.

You are great enough to make Hades rhyme with bicycle if you choose to do it--but no, you succ.u.mb to the temptation to be commonplace. Bah! One of these modern drawing-room poets with three sections to his name couldn't do worse.”

”On general principles,” said Raleigh, ”Johnson is right. We invite these people here to see our club-house, not to give them an exhibition of our metrical powers, and I think all exercises of a formal nature should be frowned upon.”

”Very well,” said Shakespeare. ”Go ahead. Have your own way about it.

Get out your brow and frown. I'm perfectly willing to save myself the trouble of writing a poem. Writing real poetry isn't easy, as you fellows would have discovered for yourselves if you'd ever tried it.”

”To pa.s.s over the arrogant a.s.sumption of the gentleman who has just spoken, with the silence due to a proper expression of our contempt therefor,” said Dryden, slowly, ”I think in case we do have a ladies' day here we should exercise a most careful supervision over the invitation list. For instance, wouldn't it be awkward for our good friend Henry the Eighth to encounter the various Mrs. Henrys here? Would it not likewise be awkward for them to meet each other?”

”Your point is well taken,” said Doctor Johnson. ”I don't know whether the King's matrimonial ventures are on speaking terms with each other or not, but under any circ.u.mstances it would hardly be a pleasing spectacle for Katharine of Arragon to see Henry running his legs off getting cream and cakes for Anne Boleyn; nor would Anne like it much if, on the other hand, Henry chose to behave like a gentleman and a husband to Jane Seymour or Katharine Parr. I think, if the members themselves are to send out the invitations, they should each be limited to two cards, with the express understanding that no member shall be permitted to invite more than one wife.”

”That's going to be awkward,” said Raleigh, scratching his head thoughtfully. ”Henry is such a hot-headed fellow that he might resent the stipulation.”

”I think he would,” said Confucius. ”I think he'd be as mad as a hatter at your insinuation that he would invite any of his wives, if all I hear of him is true; and what I've heard, Wolsey has told me.”

”He knew a thing or two about Henry,” said Shakespeare. ”If you don't believe it, just read that play of mine that Beaumont and Fletcher--er--ah--thought so much of.”

”You came near giving your secret away that time, William,” said Johnson, with a sly smile, and giving the Avonian a dig between the ribs.

”Secret! I haven't any secret,” said Shakespeare, a little acridly.

”It's the truth I'm telling you. Beaumont and Fletcher _did_ admire _Henry the Eighth_.”

”Thereby showing their conceit, eh?” said Johnson.

”Oh, of course, I didn't write anything, did I?” cried Shakespeare.

”Everybody wrote my plays but me. I'm the only person that had no hand in Shakespeare. It seems to me that joke is about worn out, Doctor. I'm getting a little tired of it myself; but if it amuses you, why, keep it up. _I_ know who wrote my plays, and whatever you may say cannot affect the facts. Next thing you fellows will be saying that I didn't write my own autographs?”

”I didn't say that,” said Johnson, quietly. ”Only there is no internal evidence in your autographs that you knew how to spell your name if you did. A man who signs his name s.h.i.+xpur one day and s.h.i.+kespeare the next needn't complain if the Bank of Posterity refuses to honor his check.”

”They'd honor my check quick enough these days,” retorted Shakespeare.