Part 18 (2/2)

It took him a minute to recover from her compliments. He was still beaming when the rest of what she'd said sank in. ”I'm not asking you to give up anything.”

She gave him a sardonic look. ”Be honest, Tyler. Don't you think you'd start hounding me right away over how I dress? Or how I wear my hair?”

”Well,” he hedged. She had a point. But a poor one. ”You can't go on hiding the rest of your life, Carlie. You're a beautiful woman. That's something to be proud of. It's a part of you. And once we're married, there won't be any reason to look so shabby. I wouldn't let other men ogle you.”

She tossed up her hands in exasperation. ”There, you see? Not only are you changing me, but you'll be playing barbarian protector as well. I don't need a protector, Tyler.”

”Not dressed like that you won't.”

Carlie sighed, ignoring his provocation. ”Please try to understand.”

”I understand. You said you cared for me, but it wasn't exactly the truth.” He stood, towering over her. He felt dejected, rejected and unbearably weary. He tweaked her chin, giving her a crooked smile. ”You know something, honey? You're just a bit selfish.”

Carlie raised an eyebrow at the criticism, but he continued.

”I've bent over backward, made all the concessions I can make, humiliated myself several times now trying to win you over. But you have a hard heart. I don't hold that against you. Considering your past, I suppose it's even expected. But d.a.m.ned if I know what else to do.

”It hurts, Carlie. It hurts to care so much about someone, and then have them turn you away again and again. I've been closer to you than I have to any other soul on earth, Jason included. And I was determined not to give up on you.”

Carlie was staring down at her lap, and Tyler couldn't see her face. He decided it was just as well. He was spilling his guts, laying his heart on the table, and if she looked at him with pity, he might very well lose it. His tone was indifferent now, his expression impa.s.sive. ”I can't do it anymore. You must be stronger than I am, because I can't take the rejections again. If you want to go on living in a coc.o.o.n, there's no way I can stop you. But I won't hang around indefinitely waiting for you to emerge, either.”

She remained silent, and Tyler sighed in disgust. She wasn't making it any easier for him. ”I won't be at the practice on Monday. I'll get Jason to fill in until you can find someone more permanent. Explain to the kids for me, if you will. And if you need any more money, let me know. You can leave a message with my secretary.” He walked to the door and waited, but she didn't move. He nearly choked on his rage and frustration. d.a.m.n her, she had pulled him in, made him love her and now she didn't care.

He walked out, closing the door softly behind him.

Carlie waited on Monday, her stomach roiling, her head aching, her eyes burning. And true to his word, Tyler didn't come. She felt awful, even though she hadn't wanted to marry him, couldn't marry him. The idea was absurd.

So why had her heart threatened to burst when he'd proposed? And when he'd left, after such a touching speech, she'd felt like she was coming apart.

Oh G.o.d, she hurt.

Jason entered, dressed in an old college sweats.h.i.+rt and gym shorts that showed his hairy legs. He spared her a glance, then picked up a ball and began bouncing it. Carlie approached him.

”h.e.l.lo, Jason.”

He inclined his head. ”Carlie.”

”I appreciate your filling in like this. On such short notice, I mean.”

He looked at her. ”Tyler needed me. I love him. He's my brother.”

”I...I know.” She hesitated, swallowing hard. Jason's mood was apparently not conducive to small talk. But she needed to know. ”How is Tyler?”

Very casually, still bouncing the ball, Jason said, ”Miserable. Thanks for asking.”

Carlie flinched at his tone. ”Jason, I never meant to-”

”Of course, you didn't. In your book, all men are jerks, right? Tyler certainly can't be any different.”

She shook her head, then started to turn away. Jason held the ball. ”Carlie? I'm sorry. It's not my place to...”

She didn't look at him. ”It's okay, Jason. I understand.”

”No. I don't think you do. But it's my opinion you never will, so I'm glad you broke things off with Tyler now, before he got even more involved. I'm the only person he's ever had care for him. His life hasn't exactly encouraged him to trust women. So when he does marry, I d.a.m.ned well want it to be to a woman who's capable of loving him. He deserves that much.”

She was crushed by the hard words, but acknowledged the truth in them. Tyler did deserve the best. If only...

Oh, G.o.d. She really had done it this time. No matter how deep she buried the past, it always seemed to come back and torment her.

Or was she only tormenting herself?

After two weeks had pa.s.sed, Carlie knew it was time to face facts. She loved Tyler and always would. She missed him terribly, and with each day that went by, the feeling grew worse. When she was with him, she felt alive. Without him, she felt dull and drained.

She needed him, and even though she'd sworn never to need anyone again, she felt comforted by the admission. She no longer had to deny herself or her emotions. It wasn't a bad thing to need Tyler. He wouldn't take advantage of her feelings, wouldn't try to dominate her or weaken her to suit his own needs. She believed that. She trusted him.

But she had hurt him badly, and he might not forgive her.

Carlie knew she was too much the coward to call Tyler outright. She needed a reason for calling, and when more donations to the scholars.h.i.+p fund came in from various businesses, she decided that excuse would work well enough. She'd start out by thanking him, and work into telling him she loved him madly.

It was a bold plan, she thought, and would have worked, except that Tyler didn't answer the phone. She got a message saying he was out of the office for some time and all calls could be forwarded to Jason. When she tried him at home, his answering machine picked up. Concerned, she called Brenda.

What she discovered wasn't encouraging.

Tyler planned to take an extended vacation to Chicago, where he was considering joining a new firm. Jason, of course, was livid and blaming Carlie. Brenda was apologetic, but very upset by it all.

Carlie had a hard time breathing. She knew exactly what was happening. She'd done the same after her divorce. She'd tried to leave the pain behind.

She could have told Tyler it didn't work. Because right now, the pain was unbearable. Everything had gone wrong, and it was all her own fault. She was a miserable coward, and it was time she stopped hiding, just as Tyler had suggested.

She had to do something, and she had to do it now.

It was Jason who answered the door. Just the fact that Carlie was knocking at the front entrance, rather than entering through the kitchen, as usual, was indicative of her uneasiness. She had no idea if she'd be welcome, given the present situation. But Jason was polite. Painfully so. ”h.e.l.lo, Carlie. Come in.”

”Thanks. Ah, Tyler isn't here, is he?” Jason eyed her. ”No. He's been avoiding us as much as you have.”

Carlie flushed, but she refused to back down. ”I'm sorry about that.” She came in and Jason shut the door behind her. With her hands in her pockets, she looked around the room, ”Is Bren around?”

”I'll get her for you. Make yourself at home.”

It felt exceedingly odd for Jason to say such a thing. It had never been necessary before.

Brenda flew into the room, her eyes alight with expectation. ”Carlie! I'm so glad to see you!”

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