Part 2 (1/2)

Unfortunately for the Euterpians, they died out, possibly after some kind of civil strife. No one knows why, where or how. Even their given name is a Federation-given one.

None of the historical evidence found so far provides us with any clues as to their real ident.i.ty. Most of their scripture is a form of musical scribbling. But any attempt to translate it via any known musical instrument provides such a cacophony of discordant noise that even the most avant-garde of musical enthusiasts accept that it is not being played as it should be. Not even renowned musical scholars such as Lock, Proot or even Gla.s.st can provide any meaning to the symbols.

It is therefore generally believed that the Euterpians will have to be catalogued as one of those mysterious galactic races destined for obscurity, both culturally and scholastically.

A shame, really. No one likes a mystery. . .

Extract from An Even Briefer History of Time An Even Briefer History of Time by High Lord Rhukk by High Lord Rhukk Bowketts Universal Publications 3974 16.

Episode One

The s.p.a.ce-time vortex

'Oh dear, I don't think that can be right.'

The Doctor let go of the elasticated tape measure and with a 'thwick' it quickly rewound itself, slapping across his fingers as it popped back into its casing. 'Oe on.' He grinned at Polly and pa.s.sed her the tape measure.

'I'm trying to check that the interior dimensions of the TARDIS aren't decreasing. You see, when I regenerated, so did the s.h.i.+p - to some extent.'

17.'I thought things had moved around a bit,' said Polly. 'I had a dreadful time finding the bathroom this morning. I walked for ages and eventually found something marked ”BATHROOM”. It was a swimming pool!'

The Doctor nodded sagely. 'Ah. Yes. Borrowed the plans for that from Claudius Caesar. Nice old chap, but had a dreadful stammer. Good range of baths though.'

Polly smiled. 'I'm glad you're completely recovered, Doctor. You had us worried, you know.'

'Regeneration's a tricky thing,' he said. 'And it was my first one. Always the trickiest. They're supposed to get better as they go on, so long as you don't flitter them.

Always used to say to my academy chum Magnus, ”Magnus,” I'd say, ”Magnus, don't throw old bodies away like you would a suit. They don't grow on trees.” Or something like that. Never listened though.'

Polly shook her head. 'Just how many of you are there at ”home”, wherever that may be?'

The Doctor stared at her for a moment and she s.h.i.+vered.

Somehow she thought he was not looking at her so much as through through her - into his own memories. Suddenly he broke into a grin and began twiddling his fingers. 'Anyway,' he said, reverting to his original concern, 'I want to see if this room has contracted.' her - into his own memories. Suddenly he broke into a grin and began twiddling his fingers. 'Anyway,' he said, reverting to his original concern, 'I want to see if this room has contracted.'

Ben looked up from his book. 'Didn't answer the question, Doc,' he said.

Polly turned, aghast at Ben's rudeness. 'Ben! If the Doctor doesn't want to discuss his private life, why should he?

You're not exactly forthcoming about your history, are you?'

'Ah, nothing to learn, d.u.c.h.ess. Went to sea when I was fifteen, did my service and ended up here. Besides, the other Doctor - the older one - he'd always answer a straight question.'

The Doctor turned and looked at Ben. 'Oh, I don't think that's true, Ben. Indeed, I can remember many occasions when you got frustrated at things that he . . . I . . . didn't tell you.'

18.'Yeah, I s'pose so.' Ben suddenly grinned at the Doctor. 'It takes some getting used to, you know. This body swapping or whatever it is.'

'Do you still doubt he is the Doctor?' asked Polly. 'You seemed very dubious on Vulcan.'

Ben looked at the Doctor. 'Nah. He's still the Doctor. He still talks the hind legs off a donkey - and none of it in straight English. He has has to be the Doc.' He got out of his chair, dropped his book on a cus.h.i.+on and took the other end of the tape measure. 'All right, so what are we doing?' to be the Doc.' He got out of his chair, dropped his book on a cus.h.i.+on and took the other end of the tape measure. 'All right, so what are we doing?'

The Doctor clapped his hands together and smiled. 'Oh, goody. Now, Ben, you stand over here.' He took Ben towards the double doors. 'And Polly,' he said, crossing to her, 'if you'd be so kind as to stand here.' He pointed at the doorway to the rest of the s.h.i.+p. 'Now, pull it taut and I'll see how long it is.'

Polly gave the tape measure a tug and pulled it towards her. Ben gripped the case-end tightly and the Doctor ran between the two of them, looking at the notebook he had suddenly produced from an inside pocket. Retrieving a pencil from behind Ben's ear (Ben was positive it had not been there seconds earlier), he started muttering and jotting things down.

After a few moments of frantic scampering, scribbling and scratching the Doctor flopped down into the Louis XIV, squas.h.i.+ng Ben's book. With a guilty look he retrieved it from beneath him and sheepishly handed it over. In return, Ben gave him the rewound tape measure and a smile.

'Well?' asked Polly.

'Yes, thank you,' beamed the Doctor. 'I think we could all do with some tea and scones.'

'I'll get it.' Polly wandered to the galley area, where the food machine stood. As soon as she was out of earshot, the Doctor beckoned Ben over and pulled him down so that he could whisper in his ear. 'I was right, Ben. The TARDIS has shrunk. Only about fifteen centimetres, but enough to worry me.'

'Centi-whats?'

19.'I mean, about six inches. I keep forgetting that you haven't adopted decimal measurements in your time. Still, won't be long. Anyway, that's beside the point. The fact is, the TARDIS is getting smaller. Entropy. The time and s.p.a.ce traveller's greatest enemy.'

'Is it a serious problem?'

'Oh, absolutely. If I regenerate again, it'll shrink again. By the time I reach my fourth incarnation I predict this room will be tiny - barely room to swing a cat.'

'Your fourth. . . well, excuse me, Doctor, but I hope that's a long way off. In which case, why are we worrying?' Ben patted him on the shoulder. 'You don't half get worked up over nothing.'

The Doctor removed his blue and white spotted handkerchief from his breast pocket. 'I must tie a knot in it, to remind me when I get to my fourth body to do something about reconfiguring the s.h.i.+p.' He tied four knots in it, one after the other. 'My own special code - four knots for the fourth body,' he smiled. And then frowned. Near the bottom were two knots next to each other. 'I wonder what they are for?'

With a short laugh Ben wandered off to find Polly. It did not take him long as the smell of warm scones drew him on.

Sure enough, there she was, pouring tea into three large mugs. 'Wotcha, d.u.c.h.ess.'

Polly started and nearly spilled the tea. 'Oh, Ben, don't do that. You took years off me.'

'Yeah - well, it could be worse. It could be centimetres.'

'Centi-whats?' she asked.