Part 10 (1/2)
It seemed indeed as if the Argus in a black veil had overheard part of this conversation, not perhaps the griefs of Jacqueline, which were not very intelligible, but some of the words spoken by Giselle, for, drawing near her, she said, gently: ”We, too, shall all grieve to lose you, my dearest child; but remember one can serve G.o.d anywhere, and save one's soul--in the world as well as in a convent.” And she pa.s.sed on, giving a kind smile to Jacqueline, whom she knew, having seen her several times in the convent parlor, and whom she thought a nice girl, notwithstanding what she called her ”fly-away airs”--”the airs they acquire from modern education,” she said to herself, with a sigh.
”Those poor ladies would have us think of nothing but a future life,”
said Jacqueline, shrugging her shoulders.
”We ought to think of it first of all,” said Giselle, who had become serious. ”Sometimes I think my place should have been among these ladies who have brought me up. They are so good, and they seem to be so happy.
Besides, do you know, I stand less in awe of them than I do of my grandmother. When grandmamma orders me I never shall dare to object, even if--But you must think me very selfish, my poor Jacqueline! I am talking only of myself. Do you know what you ought to do as you go away?
You should go into the chapel, and pray with all your heart for me, that I may be brought in safety through my troubles about which I have told you, and I will do the same for yours, about which you have not told me. An exchange of prayers is the best foundation for a friends.h.i.+p,” she added; for Giselle had many little convent maxims at her fingers' ends, to which, when she uttered them, her sincerity of look and tone gave a personal meaning.
”You are right,” said Jacqueline, much moved. ”It has done me good to see you. Take this chocolate.”
”And you must take this,” said Giselle, giving her a little illuminated card, with sacred words and symbols.
”Adieu, dearest-say, have you ever detested any one?”
”Never!” cried Giselle, with horror.
”Well! I do detest--detest--You are right, I will go into the chapel. I need some exorcism.”
And laughing at her use of this last word--the same little mirthless laugh that she had uttered before--Jacqueline went away, followed by the admiring glances of the other girls, who from behind the bars of their cage noted the brilliant plumage of this bird who was at liberty. She crossed the courtyard, and, followed by Modeste, entered the chapel, where she sank upon her knees. The mystic half-light of the place, tinged purple by its pa.s.sage through the stained windows, seemed to enlarge the little chancel, parted in two by a double grille, behind which the nuns could hear the service without being seen.
The silence was so deep that the low murmur of a prayer could now and then be heard. The wors.h.i.+pers might have fancied themselves a hundred leagues from all the noises of the world, which seemed to die out when they reached the convent walls.
Jacqueline read, and re-read mechanically, the words printed in letters of gold on the little card Giselle had given her. It was a symbolical picture, and very ugly; but the words were: ”Oh! that I had wings like a dove, for then would I flee away and be at rest.”
”Wings!” she repeated, with vague aspiration. The aspiration seemed to disengage her from herself, and from this earth, which had nothing more to offer her. Ah! how far away was now the time when she had entered churches, full of happiness and hope, to offer a candle that her prayer might be granted, which she felt sure it would be! All was vanity! As she gazed at the grille, behind which so many women, whose worldly lives had been cut short, now lived, safe from the sorrows and temptations of this world, Jacqueline seemed for the first time to understand why Giselle regretted that she might not share forever the blessed peace enjoyed in the convent. A torpor stole over her, caused by the dimness, the faint odor of the incense, and the solemn silence. She imagined herself in the act of giving up the world. She saw herself in a veil, with her eyes raised to Heaven, very pale, standing behind the grille.
She would have to cut off her hair.
That seemed hard, but she would make the sacrifice. She would accept anything, provided the ungrateful pair, whom she would not name, could feel sorrow for her loss--maybe even remorse. Full of these ideas, which certainly had little in common with the feelings of those who seek to forgive those who trespa.s.s against them, Jacqueline continued to imagine herself a Benedictine sister, under the soothing influence of her surroundings, just as she had mistaken the effects of physical weakness when she was ill for a desire to die. Such feelings were the result of a void which the whole universe, as she thought, never could fill, but it was really a temporary vacuum, like that caused by the loss of a first tooth. These teeth come out with the first jar, and nature intends them to be speedily replaced by others, much more permanent; but children cry when they are pulled out, and fancy they are in very tight. Perhaps they suffer, after all, nearly as much as they think they do.
”Mademoiselle!” said Modeste, touching her on the shoulder.
”I was content to be here,” answered Jacqueline, with a sigh. ”Do you know, Modeste,” she went on, when they got out of doors, ”that I have almost made up my mind to be a nun. What do you say to that?”
”Heaven forbid!” cried the old nurse, much startled.
”Life is so hard,” replied her young mistress.
”Not for you, anyhow. It would be a sin to say so.”
”Ah! Modeste, we so little know the real truth of things--we can see only appearances. Don't you think that a linen band over my forehead would be very becoming to me? I should look like Saint Theresa.”
”And what would be the good of your looking like Saint Theresa, when there would be n.o.body to tell you so?” said Modeste, with the practical good-sense that never forsook her. ”You would be beautiful for yourself alone. You would not even be allowed a looking-gla.s.s just talk about that fancy to Monsieur--we should soon see what he would say to such a notion.”
M. de Nailles, having just left the Chamber, was crossing the Pont de la Concorde on foot at this moment. His daughter ran up to him, and caught him by the arm. They walked homeward talking of very different things from bolts and bars. The Baron, who was a weak man, thought in his heart that he had been too severe with his daughter for some time past. As he recalled what had taken place, the anger of Madame de Nailles in the matter of the picture seemed to him to have been extreme and unnecessary. Jacqueline was just at an age when young girls are apt to be nervous and impressionable; they had been wrong to be rough with one who was so sensitive. His wife was quite of his opinion, she acknowledged (not wis.h.i.+ng him to think too much on the subject) that she had been too quick-tempered.
”Yes,” she had said, frankly, ”I am jealous; I want things to myself. I own I was angry when I thought that Jacqueline was about to throw off my authority, and hurt when I found she was capable of keeping up a concealment--when I believed she was so open always with me. My behavior was foolish, I acknowledge. But what can we do? Neither of us can go and ask her pardon?”
”Of course not,” said the father, ”all we can do is to treat her with a little more consideration for the future; and, with your permission, I shall use her illness as an excuse for spoiling her a little.”