Part 18 (1/2)

'First Paula and then Sam.' It was as if she wasn't listening.

'Look, I think I owe '

You told someone, didn't you?'

'Oh Cheryl, I didn't mean to.' Bernice hung her head. G.o.d, she thought, how did it ever come to this?

'Sam found out that I was seeing Paula. He never said anything, but I knew that he knew, because he was nicer to me than he had ever been before. Then Paula died, and Sam disappeared, and I can't find him on Belial, and I can't find him on Moloch, and part of me is frightened that he might be dead, and part of me is frightened that he's not.'

She lowered her gaze to the plate of food she had ordered a while ago. She toyed with it with her fork, pus.h.i.+ng it slowly around the plate, swirling it into patterns.

Without raising her eyes, Cheryl whispered, 'You were the only one...'

In the background, a news simularity presenter was wittering on. Bernice tried to focus her mind on the report, which featured outbreaks of a mystery virus that had wiped out millions in the barrios barrios of Brazilia, Los Angeles and Tycho City. She had almost succeeded, when Cheryl looked up from her food. Bernice found herself unable to look away, inexorably drawn to the guilt and sadness she saw in Cheryl's face, and which she blamed herself for. of Brazilia, Los Angeles and Tycho City. She had almost succeeded, when Cheryl looked up from her food. Bernice found herself unable to look away, inexorably drawn to the guilt and sadness she saw in Cheryl's face, and which she blamed herself for.

'The only one who knew we were sleeping together,' Cheryl continued, 'and '

'Cheryl, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to walk in on you. I '

'I keep wondering why I did it,' Cheryl said, as if Bernice hadn't spoken. 'It's not as if I don't love Sam, because I do. I love him like nothing else in my life, but Paula and I had been together when we were all planning Project Eden, before I even met Sam, and I loved her too, and somehow I just couldn't stop seeing her...'

The news broadcast had moved on to other matters now; the loss of contact between Earth Central and a s.p.a.ce Fleet flotilla which had been on its way to intercept a supposed alien fleet near Epsilon Eridani. Bernice remembered her conversation with the Doctor, and s.h.i.+vered. History ought to stay where it belongs, she thought: in the past.

'Cheryl,' she said carefully, 'when I walked in on you and Paula Engado, I was surprised. I wanted to talk to someone about it. But I swear, I only mentioned it to one person, and he's the most trustworthy person I've ever met. He wouldn't have told anybody. Not Sam, or anyone.'

'Who was that?' Cheryl asked, uninterestedly.

'The Doctor,' Bernice said.

Cheryl looked at her for the first time. 'I should have guessed,' she said bitterly. 'You're in it together, aren't you? I don't know how you all managed to worm your way into our confidence, but someone's already taken care of one of your friends, and the other will be lucky if he lives until his trial.'

'What? Cheryl, what do you '

But Cheryl did not reply. She stalked off, leaving Bernice shaken and alone.

As Miles opened the door to his office, Piper could see Adjudicator Bishop sitting at Miles's desk. A simularity of the Doctor sat above Miles's desk, strobing slowly in extreme close*up. Bishop's hand flicked the surface of the desk, blanking the picture. 'Can I help you?'

'I was hoping to be able to use my office,' Miles said slowly.

'That won't be possible. I'll be needing it for the rest of the day,' Bishop said. 'Guild of Adjudicators business. Perhaps another office?'

'Use mine,' Piper said, pulling Miles away before he said something she might regret.

Miles was silent as he followed Piper to the Technical Support area. He walked so slowly that Piper had to stop every few seconds and wait for him to catch up. When they arrived, he hesitated on the threshold, waiting for her to lead the way.

'Tea?' she said.

'Synthetic, or the real stuff?'

'Need you ask?' She placed scoops of tea essence into a couple of beakers and added water from the reconst.i.tuter. She could see him out of the corner of her eye, removing a crystal from his pocket and placing it in her desk reader. By the time she turned around, Paula Engado was frozen in s.p.a.ce like a china figurine. A wave of guilt washed over her and receded, leaving her feeling slightly sick.

'Like a ghost,' Piper said.

'Pardon?'

'Paula. She haunts this Base like a ghost.'

Miles winced, and Piper suddenly realized what she had said.

'I didn't mean... Not literally, Miles! For heaven's sake, it was a metaphor.'

'Of course.' He paused, and pa.s.sed a shaky hand across his face. Piper watched as he typed instructions into the desk.

<load file=”” g225=”” a=”” 22=”” 2=”” 2154=””>.

<setup>.

<set linguistic=”” a.n.a.lysis=”ON”>.

<set syntax=”FULL”>.

<set context=”FULL”>.

<set point*of*view=”PAULA” engado=””> <set style=”15”>.

<run 58932.12=””>.

'It was with her diary, down in the AVR lab on Moloch,' Miles said, a slight catch in his voice.

He hit <return> and the tiny figure in the simularity began to move.

Paula ran a hand through her hair, and took a deep breath. Her heart was pounding, and she felt sick. Okay, she thought, here goes...

'Dad,' she said, 'if you're watching this, then I'm dead.'

The palms of her hands were sweating, and she wiped them against the legs of her tunic.

'I need to be alone for a while, and there's nowhere here on Belial or Moloch where that can be true for any length of time. Whatever I do, I seem to hurt someone. I've had a talk with...' She hesitated, wondering whether to name the person, but decided on the spur of the moment against it. Dad would only blame them for what she was doing. 'Well, with a friend. And I think I can see things a bit more clearly now. I'm going down into Lucifer's atmosphere in a starsuit. I know it's risky a lot more risky than if I waited for Yukio to finish programming the starpod but I just need to get away for a while, by myself, and think. If I'm lucky then I'll be back with some decent results before anyone knows that I'm gone. If I'm really lucky then I'll come back with a tame, talkative Angel for you. If my luck has run out... Well, I'm going to leave this simularity in the starpod for you. I know you'll find it.'

She slipped one hand into a pocket, and scratched her nose with the other. So far, so good, she thought.

'There's something I need to say to you, Dad, and I'll never have the courage to do it face to face. When...' The words seemed to catch in her throat. Every time she thought about her mother, the tears were there. It was like the pain from an old wound, so familiar that she never noticed it until she deliberately picked at the scar. 'When Mum finally... When she... You just locked yourself up tight and never talked about her again.' The tears were coming; she could feel them. 'And I wanted so hard for you to love me. I worked my guts out getting my Doctorate, so that I could be a member of Project Eden and be with you. But it was like you never noticed me.' Warmth on her cheek, and the muscles at the corners of her mouth were clenching, dragging her lower lip downwards. 'You never noticed me. Dad, I'm sorry. I know you and Piper are are more than friends, but please Dad, don't don't marry her. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be fair to Mum. And it wouldn't be fair to Piper, because I know how much you still love Mum, even though you never say so.'

It was no good. She was losing it. She had to cut it short now and just leave, otherwise she wouldn't have the courage to do it.