Part 34 (1/2)

”I have it,” was the reply.

”Didn't I say so!” exclaimed my sister-in-law triumphantly.

”Our Chota Rani pretends not to care about these robberies, but she takes precautions on the sly, all the same.”

The look on Bimal's face made my mind misgive me. ”Let the key be, now,” I said. ”I will take out that money in the evening.”

”There you go again, putting it off,” said the Bara Rani. ”Why not take it out and send it to the treasury while you have it in mind?”

”I have taken it out already,” said Bimal.

I was startled.

”Where have you kept it, then?” asked my sister-in-law.

”I have spent it.”

”Just listen to her! Whatever did you spend all that money on?”

Bimal made no reply. I asked her nothing further. The Bara Rani seemed about to make some further remark to Bimala, but checked herself. ”Well, that is all right, anyway,” she said at length, as she looked towards me. ”Just what I used to do with my husband's loose cash. I knew it was no use leaving it with him-- his hundred and one hangers-on would be sure to get hold of it.

You are much the same, dear! What a number of ways you men know of getting through money. We can only save it from you by stealing it ourselves! Come along now. Off with you to bed.”

The Bara Rani led me to my room, but I hardly knew where I was going. She sat by my bed after I was stretched on it, and smiled at Bimal as she said: ”Give me one of your pans, Chotie darling-- what? You have none! You have become a regular mem-sahib. Then send for some from my room.”

”But have you had your dinner yet?” I anxiously enquired.

”Oh long ago,” she replied--clearly a fib.

She kept on chattering away there at my bedside, on all manner of things. The maid came and told Bimal that her dinner had been served and was getting cold, but she gave no sign of having heard it. ”Not had your dinner yet? What nonsense! It's fearfully late.” With this the Bara Rani took Bimal away with her.

I could divine that there was some connection between the taking out of this six thousand and the robbing of the other. But I have no curiosity to learn the nature of it. I shall never ask.

Providence leaves our life moulded in the rough--its object being that we ourselves should put the finis.h.i.+ng touches, shaping it into its final form to our taste. There has always been the hankering within me to express some great idea in the process of giving shape to my life on the lines suggested by the Creator.

In this endeavour I have spent all my days. How severely I have curbed my desires, repressed myself at every step, only the Searcher of the Heart knows.

But the difficulty is, that one's life is not solely one's own.

He who would create it must do so with the help of his surroundings, or he will fail. So it was my constant dream to draw Bimal to join me in this work of creating myself. I loved her with all my soul; on the strength of that, I could not but succeed in winning her to my purpose--that was my firm belief.

Then I discovered that those who could simply and naturally draw their environment into the process of their self-creation belonged to one species of the genus ”man”,--and I to another. I had received the vital spark, but could not impart it. Those to whom I have surrendered my all have taken my all, but not myself with it.

My trial is hard indeed. Just when I want a helpmate most, I am thrown back on myself alone. Nevertheless, I record my vow that even in this trial I shall win through. Alone, then, shall I tread my th.o.r.n.y path to the end of this life's journey ...

I have begun to suspect that there has all along been a vein of tyranny in me. There was a despotism in my desire to mould my relations with Bimala in a hard, clear-cut, perfect form. But man's life was not meant to be cast in a mould. And if we try to shape the good, as so much mere material, it takes a terrible revenge by losing its life.

I did not realize all this while that it must have been this unconscious tyranny of mine which made us gradually drift apart.

Bimala's life, not finding its true level by reason of my pressure from above, has had to find an outlet by undermining its banks at the bottom. She has had to steal this six thousand rupees because she could not be open with me, because she felt that, in certain things, I despotically differed from her.