Part 25 (1/2)

”I'm so sorry, Callie...”

”Great. Bye.” She hung up before Regan could get another word in.

After three weeks, three long weeks, Callie finally called Regan and said, ”I think I'm able to be friends if you want to be. At least I'm ready to give it a try. How about you?”

”Yes, yes, absolutely. I really want to see you. I miss you.”

”Okay. Well, the running club is doing something crazy this weekend. Why don't you come up and join us?”

”Is that the six a.m. run?”

”Yeah.” She started to sound more like herself when she added, ”These delicate little Cambridge people seem to think it's going to be hot this weekend. They decided to move the run to early Sat.u.r.day, since it's supposed to be less humid.”

There was a long pause and Regan said, ”Wow. Six in the morning. I'd have to get up really, really early.”

”You can come on Friday. I have an airbed.”

”I don't think that's going to work. I've got something planned for Friday. Down here.”

Regan sounded very tense and stilted. There was a dead silence on her part and Callie felt like she was supposed to be able to guess what made Regan clam up. Callie felt her heart start to beat faster and she managed to get out, ”Do you have a date?” Her voice was shaking, but she was doing her best to sound normal.

”Not technically, I don't think. Uhm, I don't think it's any big deal.”

It was a warm day and Callie knew that the cold sweat running down her back was not from the weather. ”Tell me.”

”Like I said, it's no big deal. But some friends of mine are having some people over for dinner. I'm going,” she added, ineloquently.

”Is it a party?” Her heart was hammering so hard in her chest she could almost hear it. ”Lots of people?”

”No. Just four I think. Yeah, just four.”

”Oh. Do you know all of the people?”

Regan's voice was so tight that she barely sounded like herself. ”I know the people having the party. They're a couple.”

”Well, I can see why you wouldn't want to have to get up so early on Sat.u.r.day. I'll let you know how this goes. Maybe we can do it another time. Oh, my phone is ringing. I think I have another call. Yeah, I have another call. Talk to you later.” She hung up and threw her phone across the room where it mercifully landed against her pillows. Then she went to her bed and picked up the saving pillow and started to swing it over her head, slamming it against the wall with all of her might. Her arms ached by the time she sat down and finally allowed herself to feel the ache in her heart. Regan had moved on. She was gone forever.

After a while Callie felt like she was able to think clearly so she called Terri, who answered her cell phone with a happy, ”Hi there!”

”Hi.”

”What's up?”

”Regan is going on a date.” She could feel the emotion in the back of her throat like a knot. But she was determined not to cry.

”A date? Are you serious?”

”Don't I sound serious?”

”Oh, Callie, that sucks.”

”Yeah. That's about the right word for it. Three weeks ago she tells me she loves me with all her heart but can't be with me, and now she's ready to start dating. Her heart must be a lot bigger than mine, because I'm barely able to feed myself.”

That weekend was one of the loneliest Callie could ever recall having. She'd made friends in Cambridge, but no one that she yet considered a close confidant. That was a role she'd given exclusively to Regan. And now that she'd been unceremoniously shunted aside, she didn't have anyone local to turn to. She called her father, and he did his best to console her, but she needed more than he could give. She barely got out of bed on Sunday, a habit she found she reverted to when she was depressed. Regan called several times, but she wasn't in the mood to talk to her. She didn't have the stomach to hear about her date, and nothing else mattered at the moment.

The thought of Regan dating was repulsive. The conjured image of her with another woman made her brain hurt. Regan had revealed a part of herself that was so discordant, it had to be unreal. But it wasn't. This wasn't something imagined. These were Regan's words and actions, and they made her want to forget she'd ever known her and never think about her again. Both urges were impossible.

Callie was tempted to skip her weekly pool match, but she knew she had to get out and interact with people, so she went. They started at nine and by eleven she felt like the ice had finally thawed from the muscles in her face. She was smiling and even laughing a little at the vaguely ribald jokes that floated around the table. They were almost through for the night when the door opened and Regan entered. She stayed right in front of the door, her eyes darting around until they landed on Callie. For the first time since she'd known her, Regan looked not only nervous, but frightened. Callie's ire rose in her throat. She wanted nothing more than to stride across the room and slap her as hard as she could. She'd never felt a stronger urge to hurt someone than she did now.

At this point, all she had was her pride, and she was suddenly determined to regain what little she had left. ”Hey,” she called out, drawing her fellow players' attention. ”My friend Regan's here.”

The other women looked over and nodded or said h.e.l.lo. The relief on Regan's face was clear to anyone paying the slightest attention. She walked over to Callie and said, ”How are you?”

”Good. Fine.” She was using all of her self-respect to smile and look friendly. ”I've had a busy week. Sorry I couldn't make time to talk.” She shrugged her shoulders. ”You know how it is.”

Regan didn't respond. Her eyes were hooded and she clearly didn't share Callie's decision to act like everything was fine. ”Do you have time for a drink?”

”Sure.” They started to walk towards the bar. ”I finished the project I was working on, so I'm breathing easier now.” They sat on stools and Callie signaled the bartender. ”Two more, Mallory,” she said, holding up her empty. Her stomach was tied in knots, but she was determined to continue the facade of normalcy. ”An ale's okay with you, right?”

”Sure.” Regan didn't say another word until after their beers were delivered and she'd taken a first sip. ”I wanted to talk to you, and since you wouldn't answer...”

”Hey,” Callie interrupted. ”I get busy. Don't take it personally. If you'd said it was an emergency, I would have called you right back.”

”Okay.” Regan's head was drooping, and she looked like she didn't know what to say.

”It's nice of you to come up here, but you didn't need to. We're fine.” She pasted on a smile that she a.s.sumed looked false, but it was the best she could come up with.

”We are?” Regan tentatively met her eyes, doubt nearly glowing from them.

”Sure. Why wouldn't we be?” She'd thrown that little land mine out there, daring Regan to run or throw it back.

Choosing the safest path, Regan shook her head slightly. ”Okay. You'll let me know if we're not, right?”

”Right.” Callie picked up her hand and started to put it on Regan's shoulder, but it was as if a force field stopped her cold. It dropped limply to her side. ”You look tired,” she managed.

”Yeah. I am. I haven't been sleeping.”

Suddenly, Callie was filled with regret. Regan hadn't done anything wrong. She'd never led her on. If anything, she'd been extremely cautious with Callie's feelings. All she'd promised was that she'd always be a good friend. Nothing more. Seeing her look so sad, so worn down, made Callie feel that she hadn't been the same. Without allowing herself time to stop her instinct she turned and slid her arms around Regan's waist and held her. She got to her feet, shoving the stool away to be able to grasp her firmly. Regan nearly fell into her arms, nuzzling her face against Callie's neck, wetting her skin with her tears. ”It's all right,” Callie crooned. ”We'll be fine. We'll get through this.”

”I don't want to hurt you. I swear that. I tried so hard not to.”

”It's okay,” Callie soothed, knowing in her soul that it wasn't, and never would be.

A new pattern emerged. Regan started calling in the middle of the week to propose a movie or a game or dinner. Each time caught Callie off guard. But she almost always accepted, and within a month they'd settled into the new scheme. Now they saw each other on Tuesday or Wednesday night and Sunday. Every Sunday, without fail, they met for their organized run with their club. And by the end of September, Callie was comfortable with what Regan was willing to give. It wasn't what she wanted, it wasn't what she needed, but one day, while talking to Terri, she realized she'd finally accepted the situation. ”I guess I've got to get off my b.u.t.t and try to find someone to go out with.”

”Yep. You need to do that. It's the only way you're gonna perk up.”