Part 19 (1/2)

”But...” Callie led again when Regan stopped talking.

”But...it's too late. It shouldn't have taken my breaking up with her to motivate her to do something that I truly believed would have helped us be happier.” She looked so earnest and hurt that Callie felt her eyes well up with tears. ”If I'm important to her now, I should have been important to her then.”

Squeezing her arm, Callie said, ”I'm sure you were always important to her. Maybe she didn't realize how bad things were. Some people aren't very psychologically aware.”

”Yeah, I know that.” Regan had her hands in her pockets, and she was walking with her head down, an unusual posture for her. ”I might have been able to forgive her for a one time slip, even though that would have been very hard. But to know she was cheating for over a year?” She made a slicing motion across her throat. ”That's the death sentence.”

”Do you think this was mostly about s.e.x for her?”

”Yeah.” Regan nodded. ”I'm sure of that. We were happy together, Callie. Really happy. The only thing we didn't have was a good s.e.x life.”

”Wasn't that important to you?” Callie asked, a little afraid of the answer.

Regan thought for a moment. ”Yes,” she said carefully. ”s.e.x is important. But it's not the top thing on my list. It's not in the top five, to be honest.”

”Mmm.” It was in her top two, and she wasn't even sure what its compet.i.tion was. Regan couldn't have been the one who didn't have the goods when it came to s.e.x. That had to have been Angela. Maybe they'd never been compatible s.e.xually and neither one had known how to get closer. It had to be that. A woman as warm and tactile as Regan had to be a good lover. She just had to be.

Chapter Seventeen.

Even though Regan said she was determined to reclaim Cambridge, Callie didn't see any of her usual sparkle at dinner. Despite going to one of her favorite restaurants, Regan picked at her food and their conversation wasn't the usual fast-paced tennis-match that Callie had grown to love.

It was after eleven when they got back to their swap and Regan immediately went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. They'd had all of the windows open as well as the window air conditioner on, and now the place smelled relatively normal. Callie closed the windows in the living room, leaving the air conditioner on since she knew Regan liked a cool room to sleep in.

They switched places when Regan was finished in the bathroom and a few minutes later Callie emerged to find Regan in bed, her hands laced behind her head, knees tenting the sheet. She didn't seem to notice when Callie slipped into bed, but a few moments later she turned to her and said, ”I'm really sad.”

The sorrow in her beautiful eyes made Callie's heart ache. Instinctively, she opened her arms and Regan burrowed into her embrace like a child. They lay there for a long time, thoughts drifting in and out like the breeze of the air conditioner ruffling the curtains. The question had been rumbling around in her head, but it slipped out with no warning. She heard herself ask, ”What's more important than s.e.x?”

”What?” Regan's voice was m.u.f.fled because she was pressed against Callie's t-s.h.i.+rt.

It was too late to turn back. Acting like the question was just a continuation of an earlier conversation was the only thing that made sense. ”You said that s.e.x wasn't in your top five things. What is?”

”Hmm.” Regan pulled away and rolled onto her back. She was quiet for a while, clearly thinking. ”I'm not sure in general. But I can tell you what I loved best about Angela.”

”I'm interested.” And that was the truth. Right then it was immeasurably important to know what was most important to Regan.

”Okay. I...uhm...” She cleared her throat. ”It's still hard to think about her. About the good side of her.”

Callie reached over and put a hand on Regan's arm. ”You don't have to...”

”No, it's okay. I think it's good to talk about her. It might help me get some stuff off my chest.”

”Okay. But don't think you have to talk just for my sake.”

”Gotcha.” She was quiet for a time, then said, ”She was generous. With her money and her time. Did you know we met when we both worked on a Habitat for Humanity project?”

”No. You've never said how you met.”

Callie could see Regan's thin smile by the light of the moon. ”We both volunteered on a project about halfway between my house and hers. She has a tough job and she travels a lot, but she still volunteers for things.” She took a breath. ”Not just doing stuff to make the company look good, either. None of that community service c.r.a.p a lot of people partic.i.p.ate in because their firms make them.”

”Like Marina,” Callie quietly said.

”Oh, I'm sorry...”

Callie touched her gently. ”No need to apologize. I'm just speaking the truth.”

”Okay. Well, she belonged to a church and she did a lot of stuff with them. Tutoring and things like that.”

”Interesting. Are you religious?”

”No, that was her thing. It was good for her and kept her involved in her community. It was hard for her being a black woman in a white industry. Belonging to her church centered her.”

”That's cool. Very cool.”

”She's a good person,” Regan said, her voice shaking again. ”She was scrupulously honest-except for the cheating. The type of person who'd go back to a store if she found out they'd undercharged her.”

”Wow. Marina would have called her friends to boast.”

”No comment.”

Callie patted her. ”It's fine with me if you speak your mind about Marina. You can't think worse of her than I do.”

”Don't count on that.”

”Tell me more about Angela.”

”'Kay. Uhm, I guess the things I liked best about her were her honesty and her work ethic and her desire to do the right thing. She was just...someone I looked up to.”

”Do you think that had anything to do with why things didn't work well...s.e.xually?”

”Why would that be involved? Aren't you supposed to respect the person you love?”

”Well, yeah, but maybe you weren't on the same level, you know?”

”No, I don't. No idea.”

”I'm not sure if this is nonsense, but the best s.e.x I had was with Marina and I didn't respect her much. Maybe hot s.e.x goes with...I don't know...not caring too much? Does that sound crazy?”

Regan didn't say anything for a while, but when she did her voice was soft and low. ”I'd rather love a good person I wasn't into s.e.xually than have great s.e.x with a bad one. Maybe you've got a point, but I hope you can have s.e.x and love and respect for someone. If you can't, I know which one I'd give up.”

Callie didn't say another word. She felt like she'd revealed too much. If Regan felt so strongly about being with a good person what would she think of having killer s.e.x with a dirtbag like Marina? But after just a minute or two Regan curled up against her again. Callie held her tightly, occasionally stroking her hair or back and, after just a few minutes, she felt Regan not only relax, but fall asleep. Callie continued to touch her gently, sharing in Regan's sorrow even as she slept. She held her for a long time, savoring this chance to caress the woman she was falling for. But she didn't feel a s.e.xual charge, even though their bodies were nearly entwined. Regan needed a friend tonight, and that was a role that Callie relished as much as she did the newly discovered s.e.xual pull, and it was a role she would never violate.

The next morning Regan was staring at Callie when her eyes first opened. She jerked awake. ”You scared me!”

”It's because we're about three inches apart in this little bed.” She backed up as much as she could. ”Better?”

”It wasn't how close you were. It was those big blue eyes locked on me. You look happy this morning. Are you always this alert when you wake up?”