Part 8 (1/2)
”You'll find the way out.” She laid her hands on his chest, over the thunder of his heart. ”I believe it. If I didn't I would have you chained before I'd allow you to leave. I won't risk your death. But the way back...” She shook her head, turned away from him when his grip relaxed.
”You don't believe I'll come back.”
She closed her eyes because she didn't believe it, not fully. How could he turn his back on the sun and risk everything to travel here again for what he'd known for only a few weeks? ”Even if you tried, there's no certainty you'd find us again. Your coming was a miracle. Your safe pa.s.sage home will be another. I don't ask for three in one lifetime.”
She drew herself up. ”I won't ask for your life, nor will I accept it. I will send a man with you-my best, my strongest-if you will take him. If you will give him good horses, and provisions, I will send others if the G.o.ds show him the way back again.”
”But you won't leave.”
”I'm bound to stay, as you are bound to go.” She turned back, and though tears stung her throat, her eyes were dry. ”It's said that if I leave here while winter holds this place, Rose Castle will vanish from sight, and all within will be trapped for eternity.”
”That's nonsense.”
”Can you say that?” She gestured to the white sky above the dome. ”Can you be sure of it? I am queen of this world, and I am prisoner.”
”Then bid me stay. You've only to ask it of me.”
”I won't. And you can't. First, you're destined to be king. It is your fate, and I have seen the crown you'll wear inside your own mind and heart.
And more, your family would grieve and your people mourn. With that on your conscience, the gift we found together would be forever tainted.
One day you would go in any case.”
”So little faith in me. I ask you this: Do you love me?”
Her eyes filled, sheened, but the tears did not fall. ”I care for you. You brought light inside me.”
”'Care' is a weak word. Do you love me?”
”My heart is frozen. I have no love to give.”
”That is the first lie you've told me. I've seen you cuddle a fretful babe in your arms, risk your life to save a small boy.”
”That is a different matter.”
”I've been inside you.” Frustrated fury ran over his face. ”I've seen your eyes as you opened to me.”
She began to tremble. ”Pa.s.sion is not love. Surely my father had pa.s.sion for my mother, for her sister. But love he had for neither. I care for you.
I desire you. That is all I have to give. The gift of a heart, woman to man, has doomed me.”
”So because your father was f.e.c.kless, your mother foolish, and your aunt vindictive, you close yourself off from the only true warmth there is?”
”I can't give what I don't have.”
”Then take this, Deirdre of the Sea of Ice. I love you, and I will never love another. I leave tomorrow. I ask you again, come with me.”
”I can't. I can't,” she repeated, taking his arm. ”I beg you. Our time is so short, let us not have this chill between us. I've given you more than ever I gave a man. I pledge to you now there will never be another. Let it be enough.”
”It isn't enough. If you loved, you'd know that.” One hand gripped the hilt of his sword as if he would draw it and fight what stood between them. Instead, he stepped back from her. ”You make your own prison, my lady,” he said, and left her.
Alone, Deirdre nearly sank to her knees. But despair, she thought, would solve no more than Kylar's bright sword would. So she picked up the pail.
”Why didn't you tell him?”
Deirdre jolted, nearly splas.h.i.+ng water over the rim. ”You have no right to listen to private words, Orna.”
Ignoring the stiff tone, Orna came forward to heft the bag of turnips.
”Hasn't he the right to know what may break the spell?”
”No.” She said it fiercely. ”His choices, his actions must be his own. He is ent.i.tled to that. He won't be influenced by a sense of honor, for his honor runs through him like his blood. I am no damsel who needs rescuing by a man.”
”You are a woman who is loved by one.”
”Men love many women.”
”By the blood, child! Will you let those who made you ruin you?”
”Should I give my heart, take his, at the risk of sacrificing all who depend on me?”
”It doesn't have to be that way. The curse-”
”I don't know love.” When she whirled around, her face was bright with temper. ”How can I trust what I don't know? She who bore me couldn't love me. He who made me never even looked on my face. I know duty, and I know the tenderness I feel for you and my people. I know joy and sadness. And I know fear.”
”It's fear that traps you.”
”Haven't I the right to fear?” Deirdre demanded. ”When I hold lives in my hands, day and night? I cannot leave here.”
”No, you cannot leave here.” The undeniable truth of that broke Orna's heart. ”But you can love.”
”And loving, risk trapping him in this place. This cold place. Harsh payment for what he's given me. No, he leaves on the morrow, and what will be will be.”
”And if you're with child?”
”I pray I am, for it is my duty.” Her shoulders slumped. ”I fear I am, for then I will have imprisoned his child, our child, here.” She pressed a hand to her stomach. ”I dreamed of a child, Orna, nursing at my breast and watching me with my lover's eyes, and what moved through me was so fierce and strong. The woman I am would ride away with him to save what grows inside me. The queen cannot. You will not speak of this to him, or anyone.”
”No, my lady.”
Deirdre nodded. ”Send Dilys to me, and see that provisions are set aside for two men. They will have a long and difficult journey. I await Dilys in the parlor.”
She set the bucket aside and walked quickly away. Before going inside, Orna hurried through the archway and into the rose garden.
When she saw that the tiny leaf she'd watched unfurl from a single green bud was withering, she wept.