Part 30 (2/2)
Bryant began to tremble. He turned away from her in order to gaze into the fire. Her low utterance had wrung the chords of his heart; he dared not allow his eyes to continue to dwell upon her face.
”What good in that?” he asked. Then he gave a pa.s.sionate shake of his head. ”The risk for me is too great. I shall seek an engineering billet altogether out of the country, in South America, in Asia, wherever one is open. A job without responsibility, preferably. No, no; I can't remain and play with fire--any longer.”
An intense stillness rested in the room after these words. He doubted if Louise even breathed.
”Would it be that?” she asked, at last.
”Of course. Haven't you seen?”
”I--I----” Her voice failed her.
”I could no more help loving you, Louise, after I came to know you, than can the earth its blooming under a summer sun. The thing was inevitable.” He was speaking now in a slow, fixed attempt at restraint. ”And this love coming when it did, after I was betrothed to Ruth Gardner, is the capping madness of the whole nightmarish situation in which I find myself. 'Nightmarish' isn't an exaggeration, honestly. By all the empty, senseless conventions I ought to seal my lips on my love and to go dumbly away, because I'm engaged to Ruth Gardner.” He turned abruptly to her. ”Do you think I should?”
Her hands were locked together in a clasp that expelled the blood and left them white. Her regard had the intentness of a stare.
”If you love me, if you're going away--” She suddenly became agitated.
”Oh, I am unhappy!” And with a quick movement she bent her head aside.
”Louise, forgive me for causing this distress,” he exclaimed.
Without looking about she put out a hand, touched and pressed his. The unexpected act filled Bryant with amazement. He sat gazing stupidly at the hand until she withdrew it. Then he found an explanation.
”You feel compa.s.sion for me,” he said. ”You would.” A sound, low, inarticulate, reached him. ”It's your kind nature to make some return for my love even if it's not love you can give. Or ought to give! I'm expecting nothing, can expect nothing. That is out of the question. If I were entirely calm and rational, I should doubtless be asking myself why I should speak of my pa.s.sion instead of trying to tear it out of my heart. But, of course, being in love I'm neither the one nor the other. The only explanation for the impulse to pour out a confession like this is overcharged nerves. Or, after all, is it just unconscious egotism?” His composure had slipped off and his tone had grown savage.
”Don't, don't, Lee! Don't cut at yourself!”
”What was it I had started to say? Oh, yes. I had said I felt no compunction in brus.h.i.+ng aside the usual conventions of duty as proscribed for an engaged man. Cobwebs in my case! Why pretend lies?
No honour is involved that I can discover. I don't love Ruth, and I think she's incapable of loving me or any one else. She never felt half the affection I did for her, and mine withered quickly, G.o.d knows! A dash of pa.s.sion on my part, and lonesomeness and the belief I should have wealth on her side--there's the salad.”
Louise leaned forward a little breathlessly.
”And if she believes you're ruined?” she asked.
”She'll hold me if she thinks she can't do better,” Lee responded, bitterly. ”I at least beat homesteading.”
”Lee!”
Louise had risen. The pallor of her face startled him. Her hands were fast clenched.
”What is it?” he asked, fearfully.
”I can bear this. To have you love me--love me and go away! It will break my heart. To stay here alone!”
The words struck his brain as if they were cast in a fierce glare of light. The suddenness of the knowledge they gave, the revelation they made, left him speechless. Louise loved him in return. The first effect upon his mind was to produce a blank incredulity; he stared at her as if to ascertain whether or not this was in truth she; for though he well knew he possessed her friends.h.i.+p, he had never conceived so fantastic a possibility as that of winning her love. Then a swift exaltation succeeded. He swam in a kind of spiritual ether.
”Louise, Louise, my dear beloved!” he murmured.
He caught her hand, pressed it. She glanced at him without replying, looked away, back again. Her bosom rose and fell with a slow and tremulous movement, as though stirring with deep, soundless sighs. A little smile hovered on her lips, tender, rapturous.
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