Part 61 (1/2)
”What do you call the second?”
”Well, the first is the dejection stage Hopeless and despondent, you seek forgetfulness in onanisht call mechanical self-abuse, not induced by actual sex desire This stage passes with your dejection, as soon as you begin to take an interest in the new life, as all of us are forced to do, before long
The second stage is the psychic and radual adaptation to the new conditions, a co sexual desires At this stage your self-abuse is induced by actual need It is the roith the recurring thought of hoiving no special pleasure, and resulting only in increasing lassitude, the second stage revolves about the charms of some loved woman, or one desired, and affords intense joy Therein is its allureth The more miserable the life, the more frequently you will fall back upon your sole source of pleasure Many become helpless victience are the worst in this respect”
”I have had the same experience The narrower your mental horizon, the s That is probably the reason why the o insane with confinement”
”No doubt of it You have had exceptional opportunities for observation of the solitaries and the new men What did you notice, Aleck?”
”Well, in some respects the existence of a prisoner is like the life of a factory worker As a rule, men used to outdoor life suffer most from solitary They are less able to adapt themselves to the close quarters, and the foul air quickly attacks their lungs Besides, those who have no interests beyond their personal life, soon become victims of insanity
I've always advised new men to interest themselves in some study or fancy work,--it's their only salvation”
”If you yourself have survived, it's because you lived in your theories and ideals; I'ht to absorb e pauses The veins of his forehead protrude, as if he is undergoing a severeto speak very frankly to you I'ive you my intimate experiences, and I want you to be just as frank with s, and I want to learn all I can about it Very little is known about it, and e?”
”About homosexuality I have spoken of the second phase of onanis effort I overcaulating the practice, indulging in it at certain intervals But as the months and years passed, my e The desire to love soht a little mouse in my cell, and tamed it a bit It would eat out of my hand, and come around atto play with me I learned to love it Honestly, Aleck, I cried when it died And then, for a long time, I felt as if there was a void into love It just swept ht of woradually faded from my mind When I saife, it was just like a dear friend But I didn't feel toward her sexually One day, as I was passing in the hall, I noticed a young boy
He had been in only a short time, and he was rosy-cheeked, with a sirl I used to court before Iof the lad I felt no desire toward hiet friendly I became acquainted with him, and when he heard I was a medical man, he would often call to consult me about the sto the poor kid salts and physics all the tirew so fond of the boy, I washieman then, and he was assistant on a top tier We often had opportunities to talk I got him interested in literature, and advised him what to read, for he didn't knohat to do with his tiht and intelligent At first it was only a liking for him, but it increased all the time, till I couldn't think of any woman But don't misunderstand me, Aleck; it wasn't that I wanted a 'kid' I swear to you, the other youths had no attraction for me whatever; but this boy--his naive hiuard, and he'd bring s Soave it to Floyd And, Aleck--you reeon six days? Well, it was for the sake of that boy He did so, and I took the blame on myself And the last time--they keptFloyd: he was small and couldn't defend himself I did not realize it at the time, Aleck, but I kno that I was simply in love with the boy; wildly, radually For two years I loved him without the least taint of sex desire It was the purest affection I ever felt in , and I would have sacrificed rees the psychic stage began to manifest all the expressions of love between the opposite sexes I reme; only the rangeive him a delicacy He put both hands between the bars, and pressed his lips to mine Aleck, I tell you, never in my life had I experienced such bliss as at that o, but it thrills me every time I think of it It came suddenly; I didn't expect it It was entirely spontaneous: our eyes ether He told me he was very fond of lect et a chance to kiss and eh I had no cause I passed through every phase of a passionate love With this difference, though--I felt a touch of the old disgust at the thought of actual sex contact That I didn't do It seemed to me a desecration of the boy, and ofalso wore off, and I desired sexual relation with hih he had never done it before He hadn't been in any refor myself to do it; I loved the lad too much for it Perhaps you will smile, Aleck, but it was real, true love When Floyd was unexpectedly transferred to the other block, I felt that I would be the happiest et one ?” he asks abruptly, a touch of anxiety in his voice
”No, George I arateful for your confidence I think it is a wonderful thing; and, George--I had felt the sas, as you did But now I think quite differently about thelad you say so Often I was troubled--is it viciousness or what, I wondered; but I could never talk to any one about it They take everything here in such a filthy sense Yet I knew in e, I think it a very beautiful emotion Just as beautiful as love for a woman I had a friend here; his name was Russell; perhaps you remember him I felt no physical passion toward him, but I think I loved him with all my heart His death was a most terrible shock to e holds out his hand
CHAPTER XLIV
LOVE'S DARING
Castle on the Ohio, Aug 18, 1902
MY DEAR CAROLUS:
You know the saying, ”Der eine hat den Beutel, der andere das Geld” I find it a difficult problem to keep in touch with my correspondents I have the leisure, but theirs is the advantage of the paper supply Thus runs the world But you, awhile
Therefore this unexpected _sub rosa_ chance is for you
My dear boy, whatever your experiences since you left e of disappointhest expressions, love and friendshi+p, are sources of thesorrow That has been my experience; no doubt, yours also And you are aware that here, under prison conditions, the disappointuish, are soWhat then? Shall one seal his emotions, or barricade his heart? Ah, if it were possible, it would be wiser, some claim But remember, dear Carl, mere wisdoainst your prison existence that you feel the need of self-indulgence But it is a temporary phase, I hope You want to live and enjoy, you say But surely you are mistaken to believe that the time is past e cheerfully sacrificed all to the needs of the cause The first flush of emotional enthusiasm may have paled, but in its place there is the deeper andThere come moments when one asks hi of his life No tor than the failure to find an answer You will discover it neither in physical indulgence nor in coldly intellectual pleasure Soard, life outside does not differ so very much from prison existence The narrower your horizon--the more absorbed you are in your immediate environment, and dependent upon it--the sooner you decay, morally and mentally You can, in afor soher
Perhaps that is the secret of th And other phases there are Fro satisfaction is found in prison in the constant fight for the feeling of hule your sense of self-respect I have seen prisoners offer most desperate resistance in defence of their le Do you reeon? It was on the occasion of Co his last lecture tour The old Warden was here then; he informed me that I would not be permitted to see our Grand Old Man I had a tilt with hi card A few days later I received a letter from Peter On the envelope, under my name, was marked, ”Political prisoner” The Warden was furious ”We have no political prisoners in a free country,” he thundered, tearing up the envelope ”But you have political grafters,” I retorted We argued the matter heatedly, and I deize Of course I refused, and I had to spend three days in the dungeon
There have been h last year, and the threat to expose this place (they knew you had the facts) helped to bring e, and I a me more decently He ”wants no trouble with reat disappointradually he has fallen into the old ways In soime is even worse than the previous one He has introduced a system of ”econoeon and basket, which he had at first abolished, are in operation again, and the discipline is daily becos, eneral discontent The new norance, for the last 4th of July the ave a demonstration of the effects of humane treatment The Warden had asse to let theood behavior The Inspectors and the old guards advised against it, arguing the ”great risk” of such a proceeding But the Major decided to try the experiment He put the men on their honor, and turned them loose in the yard
He was not disappointed; the day passed beautifully, without the least an to breathe easier, when presently the whole system was reversed It was partly due to the influence of the old officers upon the Warden; and the latter completely lost his head when a trusty made his escape from the hospital It see all reforms He has also been censured by the Inspectors because of the reduced profits from the industries Now the tasks have been increased, and even the sick and consumptives are forced to work The labor bodies of the State have been protesting in vain How miserably weak is the Giant of Toil, because unconscious of his strength!
TheOld Sandy back In short, things are just as they were during your tio, but the systeiven authority and the opportunity for exploitation, the results will be essentially the same, no matter what particular set of men, or of ”principles,” happens to be in the saddle