Part 10 (1/2)
Why does he love life so, I wonder Of what value is it without a high purpose, uninspired by revolutionary ideals? He is s at all wrong with his eyes
But why should _I_ lie for his sake?
My conscience smites me for the moment of weakness I should not allow inane sentimentality to influence me: it is beneath the revolutionist
”Billy,” I say with soed The Nihilists, for instance--”
”Oh, da _me_, that's what I want to know”
”May be they will,” I reply, irritated at the profanation of my ideal A look of terror spreads over his face His eyes are fastened upon me, his lips parted ”Yes,” I continue, ”perhaps they will hang you Many innocent men have suffered such a fate I don't think you are innocent, either; nor blind You don't need those glasses; there is nothing the matter with your eyes Now understand, Billy, I don't want the But I must tell you the truth, and you'd better be ready for the worst”
Gradually the look of fear fades froe suffuses his cheeks with spots of dark red
”You're crazy! What's the use talkin' to you, anyhow? You are a daood Catholic, I want you to know that! I haven't always did right, but the good father confessed me last week I'm no damn murderer like you, see? It was an accident I'm pretty near blind, and this is a Christian country, thank God! They won't hang a blind ain!”
XI
The days and weeks pass in wearyingtrial It is part of the designed cruelty to keep norant of the precise date ”Hold yourself ready You may be called any ti, the days coo, and still my name has not appeared on the court calendar Why this torture? Let me have over with it My mission is almost accomplished,--the explanation in court, and then ain have an opportunity to work for the Cause I may therefore leave the world I should die content, but for the partial failure ofat my heart Yet why? The physical results of andistic value Why, then, these regrets? I should rise above theibes of officers and prisoners wound me ”Bad shot, ain't you?” They do not dreahtless thrusts I smile and try to appear indifferent, while my heart bleeds Why should I, the revolutionist, be moved by such remarks? It is weakness They are so far beneath me; they live in the swamp of their narrow personal interests; they cannot understand And yet the croaking of the frogs hts
The ”trusty” passes along the gallery He walks slowly, dusting the iron railing, then turns to give ht strokes with the cat-o'-ainst the outer wall, he stoops low, pretending to wipe the doorsill,--there is a quick movement of his hand, and a little roll of white is shot between the lower bars, falling at my feet ”A stiff,” he whispers
Indifferently I pick up the note I know no one in the jail; it is probably so the roll between the pages of a newspaper, I am surprised to find it in Gernature Carl Nold? It's i,--I could not raphy is undoubtedly Nold's But how did he sle in this note? I feel the blood rush to my head as my eye flits over the penciled lines: Bauer and he are arrested; they are in the jail now, charged with conspiracy to kill Frick; detectives swore theyThey have engaged a lawyer, the note runs on Would I accept his services? I probably have no money, and I shouldn't expect any from New York, because Most--what's this?--because Most has repudiated the act--
The gong tolls the exercise hour With difficulty I walk to the gallery
I feel feverish:
”Is yo sick, Ahlick?” It ro's voice My throat is dry; uard approach He walks me to the cell, and lowers the berth ”You may lie down” The lock clicks, and I'm alone
The line ular footfall beats against my brain like hammer strokes When will they stop? My head aches dreadfully--I aro to call the guard--I felt so sick What was it? Oh, the note!
Where is it?
The possibility of loss dismays me Hastily I pick the newspaper up fro hands I turn the leaves Ah, it's here! If I had not found it, I vaguely wonder, were the thing ht of the crumpled paper fills me with dread Nold and Bauer here! Perhaps--if they act discreetly--all will be well They are innocent; they can prove it But Most! How can it be possible? Of course, he was displeased when I began to associate with the autonomists But how can that make any difference? At such a time! What matter personal likes and dislikes to a revolutionist, to a Most--the hero of my first years in America, the name that stirred e of Liberty! My teacher--the author of the _Kriegswissenschaft_--the ideal revolutionist--he to denounce anda by deed?
It's incredible! I cannot believe it The Girl will not fail to write to me about it I'll wait till I hear froreat adatory, unless fully convinced that it is true Yet--it is barely conceivable How explain such a change in Most? To forswear his whole past, his glorious past! He was always so proud of it, and of his extreme revolutionism
Some tremendous motive must be back of such apostasy It has no parallel in Anarchist annals But what can it be? How boldly he acted during the Haye the capitalist conspiracy He er of the speech for which he was later doomed to Blackwell's Island I remember his defiantspirit, as I accompanied hio, and he is just out a few months Perhaps--is it possible? A coward?
Has that prison experience influenced his present attitude? Why, it is terrible to think of Most--a coward? He who has devoted his entire life to the Cause, sacrificed his seat in the Reichstag because of unco honesty, stood in the forefront all his life, faced peril and danger,--_he_ a coward? Yet, it is impossible that he should have suddenly altered the views of a lifetime What could have prompted his denunciation of my act? Personal dislike? No, that was a matter of petty jealousy His confidence in me, as a revolutionist, was unbounded
Did he not issue a secret circular letter to aidRussia? That was proof of absolute faith One could not change his opinion so suddenly Moreover, it can have no bearing on his repudiation of a terrorist act I can find no explanation, unless--can it be?--fear of personal consequences Afraid _he_ ht be held responsible, perhaps Such a possibility is not excluded, surely The enemy hates him bitterly, and would welco him But that is the price one pays for his love of huer Most especially; his whole career has been a duel with tyranny But he was never before influenced by such considerations Is he not prepared to take the responsibility for his terrorist propaganda, the work of his whole life? Why has he suddenly been stricken with fear? Can it be? Can it be?