Part 6 (2/2)
When Agamemnon Flag was brought out at the head of the ticket for the Legislature, nothing was said about the iron railing, and we had good reason to suppose that every true Quod would support the nomination; which in fact was made by the direction of our honorable representative in Congress, who had a great liking for Flag in consequence of a very beautifully written memoir of Mr. Flam, which appeared two years ago in the Bickerbray Scrutinizer, when Flag lived in that town. In point of principle, Agamemnon was altogether unexceptionable. He was an out-and-out Flamite of the first water, and an unadulterated Quodlibetarian in every sentiment.
Theodore Fog--I regret to be obliged to mention his name in any terms of disparagement, because he is unquestionably a man of talents and a true-bred New Light, and certainly we owe Theodore a good deal--had been very sour for some time past. He had never forgotten the making of Middleton Flam President of the bank. I have in a former chapter hinted somewhat of Theodore's unfortunate habits. Dolet mihi,--I grieve to repeat these things. But the truth must be told. His diurnal aberrations became at length so conspicuous that, after being twice elected a Director of the bank, his name was struck off the ticket and Anthony Hardbottle's subst.i.tuted in his place. Theodore never had much practice at the bar, although he considers himself the founder of that fraternity at Quodlibet, being for a season the only lawyer in the Borough. That little practice had now pretty nearly left him; in consequence of which he thought himself badly used, and therefore ent.i.tled to a support from the public. These feelings operating upon his mind, induced him, soon after the nomination of Agamemnon Flag, to come out in opposition and declare himself an Independent Candidate.
The Whigs, taking advantage of this split in the party, brought out Andy Grant, son of old Michael of the Hogback; a young man of fair character, but wholly and fatally imbued with those dangerous opinions which have already brought so many misfortunes upon our country.
This was the state of things at the commencement of the month of September; and it will be seen in the sequel that very serious difficulties grew out of this division.
A meeting of the voters of the county, which included the three towns of Quodlibet, Tumbledown, and Bickerbray, was called at the Sycamore Spring, upon the Rumblebottom, about five miles below Quodlibet. This meeting was to be held on the eighth. A reference to these events is necessary to explain the scene which I am about to present to my reader.
Jesse Ferret, as my reader knows, had brought himself into some scandal by his indefinite political sentiments, and that most unquodlibetarian dogma that ”a Publican should have no side.” Now, Mrs. Ferret and her daughter, Susan Barndollar, were just antipodes to Jesse. Two truer women, more firm-set in the New-Light Democracy, more constant in opinion, whether in the utterance thereof or in its quality, and better able to hold their own, have I never chanced to meet, than this respectable mother and daughter. It is common to say women are not allowed a voice in our government. My faith! these two ladies had a voice in Quodlibet, allowed or not allowed--let the theory go as it may:--and Jesse Ferret knows that full well.
Mrs. Ferret is what we call a fleshy or l.u.s.ty woman: she weighed two hundred and twelve, in Neal Hopper's new one-sided patent scale at the mill. She is amazingly well padded with fat across the shoulders, and has a craw-shaped bosom that in some degree encroaches upon her neck; and she is famous for wearing a large frilled and quilled cap with many blue ribbons, being a little given to finery. Although Susan Barndollar was grown up and married, Mrs. Ferret had a child in the arms at that time; and Jesse has even boasted, within the last five years, of running two cradles at one time.
It was on the evening of the seventh of September, the night before the meeting at the Sycamore Spring, when Mrs. Ferret had a tea drinking in the back parlor, at which I, the only one of the masculine, was present as a guest. Mrs. Younghusband was of the party, and Mrs. Snuffers, with her interesting fat female infant nine months old; the same dear child whose arrangements to appear in this world of cares procured me the honor of presiding over the New Light, on the memorable occasion of Mr.
Flam's great speech at Christmas, whereof I have spoken in a former chapter: thanks to Mrs. Snuffers for that considerate favor! This good lady was there; and these two, with the addition of Miss Hardbottle, elder sister of Barndollar & Hardbottle, and Mrs. Susan Barndollar, who lived at home with her mother, made up the company.
”There is one thing,” said Mrs. Ferret, as she rocked herself in a huge hickory arm-chair, which had been built on purpose for her, ”that I _do_ hold in despise; and that is, one of these here men who haint got no opinions. Ef you believe me, Mrs. Snuffers, that man Jesse Ferret--this woman's father, (pointing to Mrs. Barndollar,) G.o.d forgive me that I should say anythink aginst my datur's own lawful flesh and blood!--but he's actelly afeard to go down to-morrow to the Sycamore Spring to hear the tongue-las.h.i.+ng which Theodore Fog, which is a man I always respected--they say he drinks, but there's many a man which don't drink, hasn't half his brains--Jesse's actelly afeard to go and hear how Theodore will use up Ag Flag and Andy Grant both at the same time, least they might be for making him take sides, which he hasn't the s.p.u.n.k to do. My patience! but it would be nuts to me to hear the speechification!--and, to think of it--that man hasn't the heart of a goose to go to the meeting!”
”Ah, Mrs. Ferret,” said Mrs. Snuffers, talking as if she had a cold in the head, her voice being husky, in fact, from having taken a large pinch of snuff, ”them politicks--them politicks! Poor Mr.
Snuffers!--dear man: I 'spose you know he is President of the New Light; he's losing his naiteral rest upon account of that split. He put in his wote in the conwention for Ag, as innocent as a lamb, and here comes up that obstropolus iron railing, and smashes all the New Lights into outer darkness, with diwisions and contentions and all sorts of infractions.
Mr. Snuffers says he shouldn't wonder if that unfortnate step should take the Hay Scales from him and leave me and this here innocent darlin'
babe in a state of dest.i.tution. Oh them politicks!”
”Well, let people stand by their colors, says I,” interposed Mrs.
Barndollar, tartly, with a sharp shake of her head; ”I go with my ma, although pa is pa. I think people ought to speak what they please, and mean what they please; and it's a mean thing not to do so, and that's gospel truth, or else this is not a free country. Ma is right; and if Mr. Snuffers is what Mr. Barndollar calls a Whole Hog, he'll not mind the people a jot, but go with his party; that's the law. And I don't agree by no means with ma, in going for Theodore against the nomination.”
”Susan Barndollar, are you in earnest?” inquired her affectionate ma.
”Who put it into your head to underrate and strangle down Theodore Fog, the oldest friend we have had sence we came to Quodlibet? and who brings more custom to our bar than the whole New-Light Club put together.
Susan, Susan, I hope Jacob hain't been putting none of these ungrateful ideers into your breast. Ef this house of ours, commonly called and known by the name of The Hero, ought to go for any human, mortal, individual man, that man is Theodore Fog. Ef he is a little exintric in regard of his drinking, it won't be no new think in the Legislater, ef the tenth part of what I heerd is true. Ladies--tea,” said the dame, as at this time a negro woman entered with a tray filled with great store of provender--”help yourself, Mrs. Younghusband--take a plate on your knee, and fork up one of them warfields--and take care of your gown, they're a dripping with b.u.t.ter. Mr. Secondthoughts, what under heaven has become of your perliteness that you can see Mrs. Younghusband a fis.h.i.+ng up that briled dried beef without her fork no more sticking in it than if it was a live eel in the gravy!”
”Never mind me, Mrs. Ferret,” replied Mrs. Younghusband, ”and don't be a troublin' the schoolmaster on my account. They do say that there's some persons as hard to catch and pin down as hung beef crisped and floating in b.u.t.ter, and as you justly remarked, a while ago, one of these persons is not a hundred miles off from this house:” and here this good woman laughed heartily at her own joke.
”Oh Jesse Ferret, in course!” exclaimed the landlady.
”My pa!” said Mrs. Barndollar, joining in the laugh.
”As Mr. Ferret hasn't got many friends here,” said Miss Hardbottle, ”I'll be one. I think he is quite right, if he has no opinions, not to express them. Don't you think so, Mr. Secondthoughts?”
”Madam,” said I in a very grave manner, ”if I might be allowed to express myself freely, I would venture to remark, that it is very important to the ascendency of the New-Light Quodlibetarian Democratic party, that there should be no strife nor division in our ranks; and that, feeling the importance of this sentiment, it is one of our fundamental principles to go with the majority--whenever it can be ascertained. Now between Agamemnon Flag and Theodore Fog----”
”Theodore Fog is sich a _good_ creature!” interrupted Mrs. Ferret.
”Ag is a _dear_ young man,” said Mrs. Barndollar.
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