Part 36 (1/2)

Sweating, he went upstairs and took Nicholas from his crib. The boy was asleep, and hot against him. Shane sat in the rocking chair and was looking at him, searching for Caleb in the bones of his face, when June came in.

”I'm wondering,” she said quietly, ”if we could stay here for a while.”

Shane blinked.

”I mean, we could go back to Taos. Her dad's there, we know people there. Or maybe Arizona, maybe my parents can help me with her. But for now, just for a few weeks, I want her to be near Doctor Chin. And you guys.” She hesitated. ”Is that okay?”

He shuddered and looked up at her. ”Of course. How is she?”

”A little feverish. Fussy.”

”If it doesn't work, I'm sorry.”

”You don't need to be.”

”I'm sorry even if it does.” He started searching around the room, his voice breaking, and June took his hand. ”If I hadn't done this, if I hadn't . . .”

”Look, Shane, if you hadn't done this, Caleb would have learned about some doctor in New York, or Miami, and he would have taken her to them. He would have run there too.”

She reached down and stroked Nicholas's fine black hair.

Softly she said, ”Sometimes when I'm watching Lily play? I feel like I'm not really there. I see how alive she is apart from me, without me, and I can feel myself slipping away. I can see her moving forward on her own. Sometimes I wonder if I died some time ago, and I'm observing her. If I'm a ghost.” She looked up to Shane. ”Is that kind of strange?”

”Maybe that's a little strange.”

”You don't feel that way with your son?”

”No. I feel connected to him every second.”

”Okay, well, keep it a secret.”

Shane became quiet. Because he had his own secret. It might be time to tell it.

Everyone believed that he had the idea to help Lily. That he had persuaded Prajuk, emptied his savings, rented the lab, and produced this drug due to some notion of his own.

But actually, none of it had been his idea.

When Shane had returned from Boulder, he knew, he had been overwhelmed by the impending birth of his son, the start of his new job, and he had not done very much for Lily at all. Forget charging off to rent any private labs; he had not so much as found a specialist. Left to himself, he would have told Caleb that there was nothing in test for this condition, sent him some printouts from the Web, and focused on his new family.