Part 35 (2/2)

'Oh dear,' said Cornelius Murphy.

'What's that?' asked the king. 'A present? Has Hugo brought his old friend a present?'

'Hugo has not,' said Hugo Rune. 'Now kindly do not interrupt me again. I am dining with a close chum of mine, Sigmund Freud. Our chosen fare, vichy-ssoise, Blue Point oysters, lobster tails with drawn b.u.t.ter, clam chowder and soft-sh.e.l.l crabs. Washed down with Iced Finlandia vodka and white Almaden.

All brought in for me from Honolulu on the flying boat. In those days a gentleman was treated like a gentleman. The ma.s.ses knew their place.'

'Those were the days,' said the king.

'Shut up,' said Hugo Rune. 'Now, where was I?'

'Dining out with Clement Freud,' said Tuppe. 'You were having crab sticks and jellied eels. You didn't say who footed the bill.'

'The meal was concluded,' Rune went on. 'We drank brandy and shared a pipe of opium. Siggy, as was his way, when three sheets to the wind and stoned as a six-day camel, asked me this question, ”Guru,” he asked, ”what's it all about then, eh?”

'Now, I am not one to sing my own praises, but I pride myself that this is one question I can answer to complete and utter satisfaction.'

Cornelius wondered whether he should ask Anna to shoot Hugo Rune. Possibly just in the foot or something.

'”There are exactly twenty-three really wonderful things in this world,” I told Siggy, ”and always to be in the right place at the right time is one of them.” Siggy sniffed at this Ultimate Truth. He had a touch of the tropical ague.''Kobold,' said the king, 'remove Rune from my sight. He has lost the last of his marbles.'

Hugo Rune reached over to the pedestal table and gave it a little shake.

The great hall shuddered. Tabards tumbled from the walls. All those standing fell to the floor. The king, who was almost half up, collapsed on to Arthur Kobold. Cornelius clung to the king's table. Rune clung to his throne.

'Siggy sniffed,' said Rune, when some degree of normality had been restored. '”Allow me to demon-strate,” I told him. ”Pick the most useless individual you see in the bar.” Siggy squinted all about the place, his eyesight was never up to much, but finally he pointed to the said Kwa-Ling, rickshaw repair man and town drunk. ”Now,” said I, viewing this speci-men, ”what say you if I could make this fellow the richest man in the world?” ”I would say,” Siggy replied, ”ask him for the lend of fifty guineas, that you might repay the loan I made you last year.” Always the wag and the tight-wad, Siggy.'

The king had now manoeuvred himself to his knees and was wondering where Arthur Kobold had got to. Arthur, for his part, was now lodged firmly between the redly trousered cheeks of the king's bottom.

Tuppe considered this quite amusing.

Arthur Kobold did not.

'Will you please stop?' the king implored. 'You have told me this story before. And nonsense it all is. You uttered the words of some magic spell. The rickshaw repair man stumbled into the street and is immediately struck down by a pa.s.sing car. The driver, an American philanthropist, mortified by this, pays for his hospital bills and awards him a small sum of money. The rickshaw repair man buys himself a plot of land. The land turns out to be rich in mineral resources. He leases out the rights, buys more land, same thing happens, does it again and the same thing happens again and soon he's the richest man in the world.

It's rubbish.'

'It certainly is the way you tell it. But true, nevertheless.'

'No it's not. Because the Sultan of Brunei is not the richest man in the world, I am. And I have all the best spells and even I don't have that one.' The king found his feet (yes, they were on the ends of his legs, I know). 'Ugh!' went the king, plucking Arthur Kobold from his bottom. 'And all this is quite enough. Down to the dungeons, the lot of you. Kobold, lead them out.'

Rune's hand strayed once more towards the pedestal table.

'If I might just ask a question,' said Cornelius Murphy.

'Yes?' said Rune.

'Where is Her Majesty the Queen?'

Inspectre Hovis had been thrusting and parrying for quite some time.

'Have at you,' he cried, taking up the cla.s.sic fencer's position. Elbows on the desk, cigar in the mouth, and 'I know it's good gear, but the stuff's red hot and I can't move it on the open market, Plod would be down on me as quick as winking. I'll give you a ”monkey” for it and no questions asked.'

The big green thingy scratched his head. 'Is that a misprint, or what?'

'Have at you, then.' Hovis took up the cla.s.sic fencer's pose. Knees slightly bent, left arm back and crooked at the elbow, left hand dangling, swordstick held firmly in the right, parallel to the ground and level with the tip of the nose.

'Have at you.' Slice. Twist. Cut. Thrust. 'Grab his legs, Terence,' cried the big green thingy. 'Leave me out.' Mulligan shook his head. 'I'm just a cabbie. I don't get involved in no bother.'

'What do you do if someone cuts up rough?' the other big green thingy asked him.

'Bung on the central locking and drive them straight round to the nearest nick.'

'Central locking. I'll bear that in mind.'

'It's compulsory on a black cab now. You're not allowed on the road without it.'

Hovis kicked the other big green thingy in the teeth, scattering many of these about the torture chamber.

'I know not of what you speak.' Rune flicked ash from the end of his cigar. 'The Queen? What ofthis?'

'If you've done anything to harm my wife,' roared the king.

'His wife?' said Anna.

Tuppe nodded. 'According to Rune, the Queen is one of them. She's not really a human being.'

'I never thought she was. She doesn't go to the toilet. Everyone knows that.'

'I knew it,' said Tuppe.

'The Queen is quite safe,' said Rune. 'Her exact whereabouts are known to myself alone.'

'You fiend!' cried the king.

Rune gave the pedestal table another little shake. Walls shook and the king fell over again. This time Arthur Kobold ducked well out of the way.

'As you must now be well aware,' said Hugo Rune, raising his bulk from the king's throne and positioning it behind the pedestal table, 'I am in control here. I have but to reach a finger into this microcosm and squash any one of you, as I might an ant.'

'Squash her first,' said Arthur, pointing at Anna.

'Why don't I have one of those tables?' asked the king.

'Pay attention.' Rune raised a finger. Everyone paid attention. 'You,' Rune pointed to the king. 'I would address your people. Summons them here.'

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